RELINK!! (2009 blog)

2009-10-25T22:59:00.000+08:00

Haix.. Haven't posted in a long long time.. Was wondering if I should revive my blog.. But.. Whatever for man.

I feel so freaking pathetic, trying so hard just to fit in and failing like dunno what shit. I see my friends being upset and I wanna help and I end up being more of a hindrance. Wtf is this.. I hate myself man.

Life is damn screwed.

2009-10-11T00:02:00.003+08:00

Time really flies..

Caleb's a daddy now, Lisa's a mummy and everything was just last year. Wow. I remember last year, i was still meeting her at Gombak, and heading off for expo church. Sitting with her during services and eating with her cell group after the service.

N396 isit? I can't even remember.

haix. i miss those times we spent together. so fun.. I miss church.. haix.

2009-10-02T20:36:00.002+08:00

I wonder why. I wonder why life is going to hell. I wonder why life is so fucking screwed up. I wonder why everyone hates me. I wonder why things aren't going my way. I wonder why life is so fucking screwed up.

I REALLY WONDER.

First, he abandoned me. He left me. Torn and tattered. Broken and despair. Torn apart in my body soul and mind. From hours of reminiscing, to fabricating excuses why he left me. With tears that burnt like fire, endlessly flowing from my tired eyes.

Each memory was a stabbing pain, like that of a piercing knife, cutting slowly yet deeply through the already shattered heart.

With each sight, each memory, the pain grew more intense. With foolish thoughts i had, in order to stop or temporarily numb the weary soul, i did things i had promised myself, i'd never do again.

My heart badly scarred from the times when the blade attacked. And yet, I could nothing, for I was just a pathetic, defenceless soul. My soul grew weary from hurting and crying. My body weakened, with each passing day.

I just wish, things never changed, that you still called me at 6am in the morning and I would light up immediately just recognising your name appearing on my phone.

When you'd tell you love me. When you' sms me at 1am in the morning just to tell you can't sleep from thinking bout me too much.. I miss all those times. But do you even remember?

I've been living in self denial for so so long. I thought i would have you by me forever.. I guess I was wrong...

And you.. I have always had a gut feeling, things between us have changed. I always knew but yet, why isit that I kept denying it? Cuz I love you and I dun wanna lose you. No. Not ever. But what i thought was true.

Why. What have I done to make you hate me so much? Am I really that hateful? Everytime I see you, I get reminded of truths I dun wish to remember. I dun wanna lose you. But I already have.

What have I done? Can you please tell me? I really dunno know. And I want to know. What caused the change? And you have to be hypocrital about it too. Why can't you just tell me? Where have I gone wrong? Tell me won't you.

GIVE ME A CHANCE. GIVE ME A CHANCE TO CHANGE. Why have you stripped me of that very chance. Why have all of you done that?

What have I done to deserve this?

I am a popular loner. Ain't it so damn true? Do I fit in ANYWHERE? So what if I am popular? So what.

I dun have any true friends. NONE at all. No one for me to turn to when I need someone. All my friendships are crashed. Sec school, Pri school, all fucking fucked up. All fucking screwed up.

Is it cuz I am too hateful? If not then why am I getting this kind of fucking treatment? From everybody. You know, I really hate being around you because I just feel like such a failure as a friend and everything.

What am I? What am I. Won't you tell me? I WANNA FUCKING KNOW!

I know I am a fucking failure. I know I am. At every single screwed up crap.

I hate myself.

2009-09-19T22:04:00.003+08:00

chelsea: (: finally you bothered to blog again yeh?
Not rlly. I jus couldn't stand the number of tags I have at my tagboard.. Argh.

chelsea: w8, i understand what janssen wrote after i like reread it 5 times slowly. and i tink i now what he's toking bout except for the: it's hard to be yet hard not to be... part. hard to be gd chairperson but hard not to be gd chairperson. why on earth does anyone want to not be a gd cp? its not what i interprete it to be...hmmm...
Erm. I dunno. Everytime he comes here, he will tag a whole lot of chimchim things and than say he dunno what he's tagging. LOL.

vaanneeesssaaa!: u may not think u are good as the chairperson, but let me tell u, u are good. its not an expection from us. its plain fact tt ur gd. ;D
Yea. I am good at getting on people's nerves and yelling at the class, and stomping out when I'm angry :X You all are my friends mah. That's why you all say I'm good and stuff liddat. But seriously, I dun tink I am.

vaanneeesssaaa!: dont be depressed yeahh. i know life sucks. i had been damn depressed these days too. but i dont really post them on my blog. i feel like i suck at everything too. jy for the next few weeks. after exam we go high and crazy like during orientation again yeahh.
Yea. I am like the only idiot around who openly blogs about her emoness and how her life is totally going haywire as though others' lives aren't. Bleh. You dun suck lah. For a matter, you are a great friend. I ain't even GOOD. I miss orientation. Campfire night. How I wish i would be able to be like that forever and not emo emo emo all day long. Freak. Jys too daughter, chiong for EOYs.

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Feel like going on hiatus but I know FOR SURE. My tagboard will be full of tags. LOL. I will go nuts replying them afterwards. Haix.

Dunno what's my prob and I dunno why I even bother having this stupid blog to tell the world how EMO I am and that they should all pity me or smth. Bleh. Wth.

Dun even know why I have to appear to be so pathetic. What. To gain all thoe pities and stuff liddat? Bleh. I am digusted by myself.

"If you're not gonna help yourself, no one's gonna help you"

Yea. i know. Haix. Life just sucks.

You're irreplacable..

2009-09-19T12:23:00.002+08:00

chelsea: today, i was standing just a few meters away from my prev school form teacher. but i couldn't wave to him although he saw me and i saw him but i just COULDN'T WAVE!!! shiying and jialing should know why. AND there's GYM tomorrow. QinPing should've told me earlier sighsigh and then, the green man came on and he rode away. he was on a blike. T.T he must think that i'm an ingrate, someone who doesnt bother to wave. T.T
I dunno why. I dun tink he's that mean lah. You have yor reasons anyways.

chelsea: but yah, today was also a very horrible day for me. i'm going to flunk maths(as usual) and things are going to be crazy cause our gym grp is the only grp tht havent prepared for gym am i the ONLY one that cares around here. am i the ONLY one that cares around here.
Hey. I AM GONNA FLUNK MATH. My highest possible total marks is 10/20 you know. Wan compare? And that stupid xiongxiong jus takes his own sweet time to mark the papers. DAMN. Jy for Gym bah.

chelsea: maybe you acted happy and didnt felt it, maybe that's why you don't rmb it? maybe it's better if you don't blog cause you become emo when you blog. yesyes, you should watch DRAMAS instead. research have shown that people find comfort in watching dramas because the dramas give them a sense of security(?) the viewers find comfort in seeing scenarios that they have encountered in real life before so they don't feel as alone. yesyesyes,youyouyou shouldshouldshould watchwatchwatch dramasdramasdramas if you have the time. which in this case, you don't. so don't blog and don't watch dramas-for now. okay?
I always pretend to be happy so whatever. That's why i dun bother blogging. I ain't that sadistic to feel comforted with people in my shoes. I dun encourage ppl to be in my shoes. And yes. I dun have the time. So ignore.

chelsea: and cheer up cause there will always be people beneath you (marks/results) if that comforts you (e.g. me) (:
Thanks for trying. But it probably won't happen.

zann: ahems. i havent 4gotten wad i said abt following u. oops. my mum just saw me blog hoppinggg!!!!!!! woops.
Haix. Zann. I suggest you go away from me lahs. And LOL.

!Shiying: hey valen, cheer up(: and we dun hate you at all(: Everyone will make mistakes de ma. so cheer up(: HOHO
Thanks ah darling. For always coming here to tag and encouraging me and all. Thanks (:

Janssen: woah woah woah LOL ok nvm i din know u will go read my blog but i juz happened 2 pass by lah. actually i doubt any1's doing a good job being cp oso wat but srsly lor. i din like u last time not that i do now but i am juz a bit btr alr. anw rite i agree that alot of pple pinned their hopes on u 2 be a good cp but i had plans for others. its hard to be and its oso hard not to be sometimes. if u wan u can take all these to heart. but juz look ahead and plan as much as u can before it all comes tumbling down till you can hardly breathe
... Er... thanks for the 'encouragement'...? Lol. Thanks anw.

Candis: Okay. After psles and eoys you ah. Haiz. Good luck for you eoys don't think too much alright.:( <3
Yea. soon soon. you too k? loveyah (:

the passerby: JY.
LOL. Ok. Thanks.

chelsea: Janssen's words very dif to understand leh... it feels out of range. anyway, jyjy! you can do it de.
Haha. You not chim~ enough xD Thanks (:

zann: JYs 4 EOYs ppl!!!!!!!!! cramcramcram!!!!!! muahahahahaha. the plauge of the worksheets, testpapers, and whatever :D
LOL! random can!

unknown: hey im back again. jiayous for EOYs yeah? :D
Er.. Hi..? Thanks.. Doesn't help not knowing who you are.. -.- Are you the 'S' person or the '1J' person or who sia -.- I have too many unknown ppl coming to my blog.. >.<

!Shiying: JYJY for EOYS!:D
YOU TOO!

chelsea: jyjy for eoys too! this is for everyone! ^^
Haha. Lol. My blog is advertisement isit!! Tag this on class blog lah!

2009-09-17T01:48:00.001+08:00

1.48am in the morning. Nope. I'm not asleep yet.

My blog has become a place for useless, annoying and crappy opinions.

I'm just totally sian. Life sucks. Yay.

EOYs in 2 weeks and my condition is liddat. Haix. Freak lahs.

2009-09-14T16:19:00.002+08:00

CANDIS :D: Hahaha You still owe me an outing HOHO! Smile (: & love too!
Yea. After PSLE and my EOYs lah.

unknown: hello! cheer up yeah?:D
Lol. Ok. Thanks.

Rachelng!: Hello wello tagged! Cheer up valennnnn
HIHI RACHIE POO!! :D Thanks ah (:

!Shiying: HELLO!
NI HAO.

chelsea: shiying, how did you do that? even if i copy and paste, it cant go bigger than caps.
I tink it's [big] [/big] or smth liddat.

chelsea: eh, valen arh. you really have mood swings leh. super creepy. like my mum. one mininute she's happy, the next minute she's angry. you: one minute your happy and the next minute you like sink into this depression mode smilesmilesmile :) :) :)
I was happy? When? Refresh my memory pls.

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Everyday seems to be getting more and more depressing and today sucked big time man. Fuck.

I'm sorry I had to do all that and yea, I'm rlly a bitch. I bet you hate me. But nvm. I dun ind anymore. At least, I dun tink so.

I am rlly worn out bah. Idk. I flunked maths test. I tink i'm gonna fail and tmr's chem prac test, friday's theory test. nd anytime this week's lang arts oral presentation. Damn.

Let's see which area of life is screwed and which isn't.

Church = dead.
CCA = slow lik dunno what shit.
Studies = flunked test
friends = dunno lah
love = .__.
family = problems.

So rejoice for me. I am really deep down and gone.

I mean. I have never felt so lifeless in my entire life before. But now, i really feel as though i can go and jump off a building if i get upset. It jus ain't the same anymore.

I dunno what's wrong but i rlly dun feel like going on. Everything seems so hopeless and there's totally no use to continue on anymore.

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I rmb Janssen's blog once having this post saying that I was lik guai lan and den go show unhappy & bu shuang face when I was obviously the new chair.

I have my reasons to not wanna be class chair.

Because rite from the start, I knew I wouldn't do a good job. I knew I would fuck up and 1J would probably hate me.

I was afraid i couldn't a good enough job being class chair and i ain't that good hur?

I rlly dun tink i deserve to be. Lik, everyone pinned their hopes on me and I totally just disappointed them all. Sorry ppl.

I dunno what I'm still posting for anyways. Life's screwed and so am I. Let's wait for the trigger and I will be blood stained on the wrists and leave this world forever.

I have been thinking alot bout this and I rlly wamma just die. Few more problems. Let's wait and see. Few more and I am off. Let's wait for the sky to drop and crush us all. Yaye.

2009-09-09T10:10:00.003+08:00

So yea. I'm back. Jus to let you guys know, I'm still alive(barely) But well, so what. Life sucks. And well, I jus dun bother to post anymore. It has been like a week(?) since I last posted. So..

I wanted to post bout Batam trip and stuff. But my mood. It's just not there.

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I bet you dunno how it feels. To see you act as thought nothing has happened and live happily ever after.

I dun even know what to say of you anymore. I dun even know what to say TO you anymore.

Am I suppose to hate you for all this? Cuz rite now, the love's still there. But sadly, you ain't there anymore.

Cuz this is exactly how I feel.. Kill me.

2009-09-09T09:29:00.002+08:00

Hey peeps. I'm back. Gone for a long long time i guess. I shall reply tags first.

CANDIS :D: relax:( Don't so down leh D: nah. nevermind don't sorry okay? Not your fault :)SMILE:)
I guess I've given up on trying. I still smile though (: <-- here's one for you!! :D <--- Another one. Loveyah Mei <33333

chelsea: s'okay. at least monday was made fun for mr x rite?
Basically only that? But well, the day was still screwed.

chelsea: (: i'm loyal. and today, it caused me to T.T haishhaish. now i nvr spam le lar.
I seriously doubt your words. Haha. But yea. I dun mind lahs. It fun seeing so many tags at my blog.

chelsea: T.T i find life so weird. everything dont seem to belong to me. like exam marks all moderated. it looks good on the progress report card but in real life, you have nothing... the marks are like fake. i rather they not moderate lor. say i'm crazee but yar, that's what i feel
Yea. It's kinda true. Like you know geog the highest is 104, it's moderated that's why. So it's like rlly no point lahs. Haix. Life sucks.

chelsea: congrats to whoever that did well. (er herm er herm...valencia and yijie. as USUAL)
You sound kinda sarcastic but still, thanks^^

chelsea: my name appeared 12 times on the page (excluding tagboard) haha sooo honoured!!! (:(:(:
It's because I have to reply so many tags of yours lah girlgirl. But. Can be honoured if you want. I won't stop you xD

bella: Hey, Valen, no one's perfect yeahh? Turn to God. He'll get you through it. He won't put you in this life to destory other people's life. He made you for a reason. To glorify his name^^
Yea. Long time no see you liao bells xD I still lik calling you that xD You too ok? Jy in whatever you have. Cuz I dunno lahs. Loveyah girl <33333

vivian: hey valen. cheerup! time will heal everything. i guess thats all i can say la. we'll all be here for you!
Thanks deardear(: I hope so. For me, it take lots & lots of time. So I'll just have to wait. Thanks again. Loveyah!!<333333

kellie: hi girl.cheer up!
Hello. I'll try..

chelsea: eh. why never update de... T.T smile! sorry arh, i know no originality psps.
I'll answer your question later and yea (:<---- specially for you :D <---- a bigger one

chelsea: like is like a photograph, a camera that's constantly capturing every second of your life. so pose for the picture and smile (: or else you'll look unglam.
I guess I am really ugly on life's pictures. Well. whatever. I give up.

Chrystal: :(
Sorry Chryst and thanks for everything.

!Shiying: Hey valen, cheer up(: dun emo:D
Haha. I see your tag very funny. So cheerful sia xD I'll try?

chelsea: ...:(:( :):):)if i do it thrice, i will come true.valen smile valen smile valen smile
I smiled already lahs. And I'm gonna post a question later and it'll make you see you're WRONG. xD

chelsea: this is seriously getting creepy...you dont blog anymore? ok, two reasons for not blogging: 1) because life is too boring so there's nothing to post about OR 2) because you can't be bothered to?
I rlly can't be bothered to. Cuz everytime I say I dun wanna post emo stuff, it doesn't happen. Cuz if that's the case, I dun have enough happy stuff to keep this blog alive. WHatever lors. I can't be bothered with this shit.

chelsea: if you dont post soon, i'm gonna spam again. cause i've got nothing better to tag about
I dun post, you spam. I post, you spam. Abit no diff lah hor?

!Shiying: OMG. chelsea u very pro at spamming sia
Now than you know arh. Aiyo. Darling abit slow ah?

weiyang: hey valen!!! relink ah gong! thanks=)
Ok. You'll have to wait a long long long time xD

zann: SPAMS!!!!!!!!!!!! muahahahaha. i am here to flood your cbox cheeruplarhs. hehs. *HUGS*
It ain't exactly spammed but yea. Thnks. *HUGSBACK*

`JOANNE: update :D and cheer up! look towards th better side of life alright x)
I'll try..? You know what happened lah. It's rlly hard.. :/

MAVIS!: :(:(:(why so sad! Come into mama's embrace!
LOL. I'm jus sad cuz life doesn't like me and always gives me the bad stuff. Yea (:

!Shiying: me want maia:'( LALALA
HOHO. I HAVE HER!! LALALALALA TOO!

Chrystal: :(
I found this familiar and yes. I saw it alr xD I'm sorry.. Haix..

~End~

2009-09-01T14:37:00.002+08:00

I guess this explains a lot of what I did today. And I'm rlly very sorry for making you 2 run in the rain. If not for me, you all won't do it de. That's 100% confirm.

I am really horrible. Well, I am shaped by the experiences I have been through.

I rlly feel so dead.. Chem test's tmr or thurs and really. I studied SOOO MUCH -.- Damn freak. I'm failing everything. I am screwing everything up. I really hate myself.

I hate today. I hate everyday. Everyday seems like another day for me to sink deeper into depression and kill myself further. I jus wan you to be by my side, telling me, everything's gonna be ok. And that you will always be there for me.

But well, the little girl has got to wake up from her dream. It ain't gonna be like that obviously.

Who am I to complain anyways. I am always the one at fault anyways. I am so used to it already. To be the one that always screws things up. The one that always goes around ruining people's lives.

That walk in the rain. It made me feel so lonely, so cold, so alone. And I realise, it has always been like that. Forget it. I am used to it already.

I dun feel like posting anymore. Bye

2009-08-31T22:41:00.002+08:00

I am sorry I am such a failure at everything. I am sorry I can't do a single thing right, I can't organise anything, I just can't.

I am sorry for every fucking crap that I have caused to you all. I dun even mind if you all hate me. Like. It's so fucking understandable. If I were you, I would hate me too. ANd I alr do. So yea.

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Fucking screwed everything today.

Morning was like so damn shit lahs. I dunno what got into me. Like what. Desperate or something isit. Shouting like no one's business. Screw me.

Had to storm out of class again. Typical of me ritex. I am damn sorry everyone. But you fucking chairperson is probably the worse one ever. After I went out of class, I went for a walk. To cool down & stuff.

I was just contemplating.. Should I quit. Throw in the towel, give up and quit. I have proven myself that I rlly suck at being a nicenice class chair ritex. What's the point anws.

1J's like so nice alr. And fuck. What exactly is my problem. It isn't the first time rite. How many fucking times has this been alr?

I heard that one statement you made after I returned to class and I really wanted to just cry out. And tell Mr Xiong & Mrs Yap, I am gonna give up, cuz I am not doing a good enough job. Cuz you have jus proven that I did 'rlly well'.

Didn't sing national anthem was just mouthing for fear of my voice cracking and the tears that I had trouble trying to blink back and keep inside.

Have to rlly apologise to chelsea & others for my lousy attitude. I know. I know I am a big suckass and rlly should go and drown myself to free you people from the miseries of this world.

But thanks to Xiongxiong who go kaepo ask me why I look so sad than I change. I only did that cuz I can't risk letting RV teachers knowing anything bout my emo-ness and stuff liddat. I dun wanna kill more people and their alr not enough time.

-skips-

concert was damn stupeed. Cuz like. checking out guys and all. Lols. But all the songs were like. Haix. All remind me of last time de lor. Dance used thise song I forgot the name alr. The 2006 batch Theodora, Weiliang, Gabriel & Odell(?) they all danced de. 2006.. Brendan. Screwed up year.

Than got like alot of emoemo songs and just keep reminding me of everything.. Crapcrap.

After that Janssen tell me go tell teachers bout the celebration & all. So fine lor.

Smashed cake on Xiongxiong's face and he looked as though he wanted to cry. Haha. Damn joke. He's a nicenice teacher lah. Guaiguai + ahbeng ah beng type. Weird mix. Abit rojakk. Haha. Anws I was like zi kua-ing 1J say what we veh nice than he veh lucky first year get nicenice class like us. Lols..

Saps sucked. The entire experience was horrible I guess.

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I gave up so much just to have a look at you. Just that one pathetic look. I missed the outing, I missed the lunch, I missed stuff i would enjoy just to see you one more time..

I gave excuses of course. Pei2 YueYin, waiting for Miss Thio, blahblah. All but crap.

I jus wanted to stay in school and make sure I was there when you came back. I got my wish. I saw you in that court, playing your bball, you were so happy, smiling laughing, I wanted to run over, break out in tears and say I'm sorry for everything and that I will change and I jus wan you by my side.

But no. I didn't even say a single word to you. I just stared at you and looked at you with tears in my eyes as the memories flowed back like that of torrents. Gushing. One after the other. All the happy times, sad times, ALL BUT LOVELY TIMES.

You walked right pass me. With that look on your face. Half smile, half laugh. You look as adorable as before.

But one ting had changed. You aren't mine anymore. You have gone & left just like all the others. You went down those steps and brushed pass JC & YY. I wanted to shout, stop! So that you would look up and I would be able to look in your eyes. But no. I didn't do anything.

I just looked as you walked away, signalling an end, signalling an exit to my life..

I felt so useless. So helpless, so weakk. AS though everything I had, was just falling apart was jus breaking down.. was jus being torn out as you snapped the line and slammed the door shut. I am out. I get the message.

I wanted oh so badly for you to come to me and tell me it's all a lie. It's all but a joke being implemented on me. That you still loved me and will always do. I wish you would look at me in the eyes and tell me you love me like you have done in the past..

None of that happened and I was jus left alone. When you gave promises of protecting me from the worse of storms and the fears of life.

Every rainy weather reminds me of you. Swift athletics cross'09 it was pouring cats & dogs & rats & chickens. I onced told you that I am afraid of lightning and would be huddled up close to myself in a storm shaking with fear, wishing for a guardian angel to push all those 'scary' clouds away.

You promised to be that person and now you're gone, I feel so unguarded, so unsecured.

Probably the thing that causes the biggest destruction to a girl is but a thing called LOVE. I am lucky to have once had your care, support and the never ending encouragements and love you showered upon me.

I took it all for granted and thought you woud stay by me, weathering all storms and we'll be that happy couple that has survived everything.

I am sorry for fantasising that about us. I presume you would feel disgusted by it. But I just wanna tell you, You are a great guy, and I rlly love you and i still do. But now, I have to let you go as you spread your wings and fly into the heart of another.

Love her well. And dun hurt her. I know you will do your best to please her, humour her, love her and do everything you can for her. Seeing your happy face tells me you are happy. Pls do. I dun mind sacrificing so long as that smile is sustained and your ever cheerfulness never fades.

I love you dear. I still do. I guess you dun anymore. But I am still willing to do anything for you...

Images of your lovely smiles will never fade...

2009-08-31T22:17:00.002+08:00

Chelsea: (entire chunk bout teachers)
Wah eh. thanks for being so ever loyal in your spammings ah. Yea. Teachers are rlly wonderful ppl but not all of them are that patient lah. Oh and i dun tink I can be a teacher cuz eveyone wll hate me like shit cuz I am probably gonna be known as the bitch that goes around scolding people for nothing. Haix.

Steph: my dance veh zai one leh. i got A!!
Wah lau. Zi kua until liddat. Bu yao lian sia. Go away lah you Hmph.

kenlynn:D: HELLO. you know me?
YEA. 1G de ritex. Haha. Hihi^^

Zann: IM BAKING COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 hahahs. i shall force feed u cookies and make u get another sore throat *muahahahahaha* JYs 4 tday's race!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*hugs*u can say whatever u want; i don't care.i won't give up on you, until God does... love ya!
Ou and your cookies again. And dun need you give me cookies, I got sore throat alr. Die liao lahs. Confirm kena de. Haix. SIAN! There wan't even a race lors. Noobshit sia. haha. And thanks alot for everything. Including your apples and stuff. Haha. You are a very good daughter^^

chelsea: don't give up kay. i find that you abit guaiguai de. ask me spam your blog leh... so weird... (: monday is TOMORROW!!!!!!!!! (:
You know at first I thought you said guai1guai1 than I was lik huh-ing to myself. Anyways. class blog you spam will kena scolding from lots of ppl mah. So I sacrifice abit lor^^ Monday sucks. Haix.

chelsea: why do you fear tomorrow? because you wanna see him but you dunno what to say if you do? or, you're afraid of getting disappointed. or you're afraid that you might break down when you see your teacher or none of the above?
Erm. Sorta all. But well. It doesn't matter now.

chelsea: actually i meant to spam on class blog cause i wrote something stupid. so i want to push it down. i forgot that it was meant to be a surprise. T.T
Yea i know. But I couldn't say anything. So i pretended like i didn't know. Psps.

chelsea: hoho. my line is always open if you want to talk (: besides, i always call you if i nid to get smthing off my chest. you can do the same (: i don't mind. haha
I am always free^^ I dun wan to trouble you lah. (or anyone else for that matter)

chelsea: the more i think about it, the more i find you weird.
Thanks alot ah. -.-

CANDIS :D: CHEEEEEER UPPPP LEH Sitting down here typing this is pretty useless you know
Sorry lah. AIya. You know my pattern is liddat de mahh. Sorry..

WenHui: tag(: remembo me?
Yea. HIHI! HOw are you?

Steph: SI CHELSEA, TALK SO MUCH HOR U. SEE U IN SCHOOL SO QUIET SO INNOCENT. WOAH, COME HERE SPAM. I ALSO WAN SIA
JOKE. SHE IN SCHOOL WHERE GOT QUIET & INNNOCENT SIA!!

yijie: cheer up okay:) just give off your best and everything will be fine alrights!
Sometimes best is just NOT ENOUGH.. Haix. It's exhausting..

Finally finish replying tags. Today was.. A grand failure of me. Forget it. Screwed up lik hell lahs.

2009-08-29T19:54:00.004+08:00

Haix. I dun feel any difference.

This entire week has been a stressed and tired one. That explains why I haven't posted for like almost 1 week lahs.

But well. As Monday inches nearer and nearer.. I rlly fear what's gonna happen. And I rlly miss all that I had had last year I dun feel like EVER leaving SAPS you know. SAPS is like still the place of home lahs.

Plus. So many memories..

I miss Miss Thio and her talks, Auntie Shakthi and her guesses, Mr Woo and his typical lines, Miss Lee and her caring-ness, Mrs Yap & Emma & Elliot, Mdm Sim and her movies, Mrs Ho and her sweets, Mr Koh and his pressing downs, Mrs Wong and the narnian war, Mrs Jasmine Tan and her darling words and so muchmuchmuch more..

I miss them so much. They knew me well lah. Sorta. It was... fun.

1/1'08 <3333 Miss Thio's darling class. Now 2/1'09<33333 Rlly miss SAPS so damn much. I miss all those phonecalls at midnight and hearing the same typical lines by Mr Woo. Haha. The dinners with all the diff teachers.

The basketball games with Miss Lee, Playing with Emma & Elliot, Mr Koh in robotics, Mrs Wong with the OM team^^

So many memories..

I dun wanna be forced to let go of anything I've had in 2008. So why am I being forced to??

I miss those trips to your house and we would spend the day there talking and playing...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I dunno what's wrong with me alr. I just can't set myself right. I just can't be NORMAL for once. I missed Zi's baptism today. So upsetting. The most important thing in the life of a Christian and lik plus she helped me so much. I didn't even go for her baptism. I am such a good friend man.

I was so out today, even in church, that I went there, and after 10mins, left church for a breather outside.

I felt so useless, so unwanted. But thank God lah. When I went out, Bennie was like at the coffeeshop and she saw me lor. If not, there would be like a high possibilty I would jus like not go for service. I was rlly upset with myself.

I felt like throwing the packet food I had lah. Didn' feel lik eating and I just wanted to find a place where I could stay there and cry.

No one had any idea how useless I felt after speaking to Zi. I felt like the PERFECT FRIEND you know. As I went down to look for AiWei they all, I jus decided, to run away to escape and leave everything behind.

I guess they knew. Cuz of certain reasons.

But well, service was rlly good. But. I didn't feel anything after responding to altar call lor. I jus felt the same, I felt just as useless, just as screwed up.

Like what's the point of going for altar call after altar call just to be so fucking weak and give in to temptation and backslide and go for altar call again?

Like what Awi shared today. I am NOTHING BUT A FOOL.

What's the point. To be so decent in church and to be so negative so screwed up out of church and forget everything that Pastor has once shared? REALLY. What's the point.

Rlly. I suck and I am so tired of being so weak and negative. And to disappoint person after person when they try to cheer me up and I demoralise them by saying, NO, No, NO, No.

Stop wasting your efforts people. It's no point. I see no point in you doing so much and have this fucking idiot over here who keeps ignoring you and you are JUST WASTING YOUR EFFORTS.

Like God knows what would happen nowdays man. I have lost so much hope in life, I just wanna leave this world and make everyone's lives better. EVeryone will be so much better off without me.

Just let me die and rot man. Screw this freaking screwed up world I am living in. Crap.

2009-08-24T23:29:00.001+08:00

To chelsea: It's ok. I dun mind (:

woah. TOday is like tiring can. Captain ball, dance, 6 subjects. Oh gosh.

Maths was kinda funny. Mr Xiong said something he shouldn't OOPS xD Haha. Then he like in shock liddat. Damn joke lahs.

Dance practice was ok(:

But I got injured thanks to Netball lik 2x T.T

Cuz at first is like I tell Gordon pass ball than I tell him dun thunder but he thunder alr than I go reach to catch the ball but it jus like touch the tip of my fingers. Then I dunno go do what hit my left hand de thumb then I tink its like dislocated or smth. Damn pain.

Then play monkey with Krysen, Vaness, Yan Chen & a 1A Netball girl if I'm not wrong then I dio smack right in the left side of the face by Netball. Specs was totally screwed. LOLs.

Morning time got like chinese tests all returned then science I dun even know what we did. Practically NOTHING? Lol. Joke.

Recess was Captain's ball. Dio own like shit. Den we keep disturbing Cruise. I go mess up his hair xD JOKE.

After that LA, then maths was joke thanks to our dear dear xiongxiong<3! xD Haha. He said smth very funny and then he shock O.O And in trauma for the rest of lesson. DAMN FUNNY LAH XIONGXIONG.

Com was funny xD Dun wanna elaborate

Geog was kind fun Hehe.

Hist was HoChiMinh again then after that got homework. Sianx. Haha.

Blahblahblahblah.

I didn't exactly lose focus today. But I kept remembering certain vivid memories and i miss those times.. Haix. 1 more look man. ONE MORE.

Tmr is gonna be rlly cui so I better go sleep now. Tmr's dance prac. So better sleep well then store up enough energy to do well tmr morn for Dance Prac. I believe my group can do it de^^

OK. I rlly tired le lahs. I dun wanna elaborate liao lahs. The rest of the day is just horrible ok? Lols -.- Byes.

2009-08-23T22:48:00.002+08:00

TO ZANN: I get what the again means alr xD

Haix. It has been 53 days and apox 7 hrs since the faithful call has been made and 53 days and aprox 5 hours since the sms has been sent..

I still feel empty and lost and unaware of where I'm heading to.

I wish I could have another glance at you.. One more look.

One more day together. One more day to have to hold. One more day to call ours.

ONe more memory to hold, one more memory to bear in mind, one more memory to treasure.

I wonder how you are now. Are you happy? I haven seen you for quite some time alr. Have you change alot? That tinge of sadness that was in your eyes, is it gone now? That playfulness that hangs around you, is it still there?

As I sit here wondering how you are, do you ever remember me? Or think back about the times we had shared?

I sit on the seats we used to share, I go to the places where we used to go, I stare at the things that remind me of us. I just can't forget.

I've tried and it hurts so badly. My thoughts are just filled with your face, your actions and the times that we have spent together.

It hurts me to think about them and realise that they're never gonna happen again. It hurts me so badly to realise again and again that you're gone and that you won't be back for me with that smile of yours, saying that it's all a joke.

I thought, since thinking bout you hurts me so much, I might as well forget you. But the more I try, the more vivid the memories become and it just pains me more to think that you're really gone.

Sometimes I try to hold onto the memories so tightly that it becomes really vague and I would be the idiot who tries to grab it before it all flies away.

I dun wan everything to be just a memory..

"It's so hard to say "I love you" and not draw back in tears,
It's so hard to know that you're not there to help me face my fears.
It's so hard to know that the phone's at reach but I cannot hear your voice,
It's so hard to now that this time breaking up was not my choice.
It's so hard to see you laughing when I'm crying deep inside,
It's so hard to just find feelings and now have to make them hide.
It's so hard to live without you, when I need you more than wordss,
To want to scream how much I love you but hold back and not be heard.
It's so hard to go to sleep at night when I cannot dream of you,
It's so hard to think you might fall in love with someone new.
It's so hard to not start crying when I hear your favourite song,
It's so hard to sit by and wonder, where did I go wrong?
It's so hard to live without you, if only I would have known.
I will never love another, I would rather be alone."

I miss you so much. But. Do you even have me in your memory? Do you still tink of me? Am I nothing but something of the past to you now? Am I just some obstacle that you've finally gotten rid of and now you can get on with life?

I am looking forward to 31/8 now. Only because I think its the only time I might be able to see you again. But I fear now, if you'll be there. If you'll be back. If you'll be overseas. Of my reaction when I see you, of your reaction when you see me.

I wanna see you so so much. I wanna do it so badly.. But yet, what if I screw it all up? What would or what COULD I do even if I see you?

I miss you terribly.. I wish your voice could be so near and not so far away that it seems so vague..

I wish..

I'm hanging by a thread..

2009-08-23T22:33:00.002+08:00

TAG REPLIES

vaanneeesssaaa!: i'm dying too. frustrated. defeated.
Hey relax yah? It will be over soon. Just a couple more weeks. Hang in there daughter. We shall survive it, hand in hand(:

!Shiying: oh gosh. chelsea is declared crazy and must go to mental hospital
YOU FINALLY REALISED!!! Ohmygosh!

chelsea: ohohoh! i know a good mental hospital but i think admission is not free. hahaha. i take that as a compliment.^^
CRAZEH GIRL. It's not supposed to be a compliment you know. Haha.

CANDIS :D: take care alrights ;] don't worry that much!
Haha. Hi Mei. Thanks for being here ah (: Will be fine. Dun worry bout me. CONCENTRATE ON PSLE!! Hahaha. Jys for PSLE!

zann: *"AGAIN"??!?!?!?!?!?! what do u mean AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
What do YOU mean? I don't get it.. Enlighten your blur daddy(: And dun tell me to refer back to posts ok!! I am lazy xD

yijie: hihi cheerups alrights:D hahahah no lah i dont rlly dislike msyu okay!!! shes quite nice! just abit bias i think anw wish her bonvoyage? or smthng liddat im backsliding also canx i used to be damm hardworking in term1week2:D now im like..hahaha:) you know sometimes when you like reach home then dont wna do anything right, dont give in to temptation and just do it okay:D at least part lah:D ahahah zomg this came from a SLACKER pro ornot:D
Aiya. You jus dun like her that much as you used to? Am I not right? Anyways your sense of backsliding is '...' can.. -.- And you zao3 jiu4 backslide liao lor -.- And that ain't really temptation. I am just very very worn out and tired. How is that temptation? lol. AND. NOT PRO^^

yijie: im gna go camp alrdy byebye i'll miss you loads alrights! loveyah:D
Have fun at camp!! Loveyah too! :D

yijie: i nawt sick okay! im innocent, yo pollute my mind loh! tsktsk. i love spamming eh dont wna stop:D nvm late alrdy my pizza coming JEALOUS RIGHT?!:) hahha you must be:D
Bleh. You innocent? What rubbish lahs. You chose to let me pollute it. You could have prevented that! And pls yours is like so so shallowly polluted pls. You should totally see 6/1'08 of SAPS. Then you come tell me your brain kena polluted by me^^ And I'm not jealous. I'm sick and tired of pizza alr. Haha.

yijie: im infected by chelsea now hahah
I can see that. Bleh. Irritating ppl.

!Shiying: O.O even yi jie spamming?! WOW.
Yea. They hang out together too much. Bleh.

HOHO. I realised that I like pink so much now. LOLs. I becoming more and more girl.. hmm. That's something new.. Haha.

Well, the weekends were erm. Weirdly spent. Didn't go church, went out for dance, went out with family(not alot also..) I dunno. It just feels really weird to me..

Anyways, dance is almost done. Just need to keep rehearsing and teach ppl moves. Another thing to fret is.. MAOMAO & LELE away at camp.. T.T If they aren't there, it will be like so weird can. Haix.

And I really dun like CHELSEA ONG. She tags so much I have to like dedicate one whole post to replying tags. How nice is that man-.- I'm gonna kill you for that arh Chelsea.

Ok. I shall stop my craziness over pink and stop this post to stop killing some people who hate pink. (i dunno who)

Haha. Byes ppl.

2009-08-21T23:50:00.002+08:00

GAGA. My voice is like uber weird now. I have no idea why so dun ask me why. Oh I haven done any homework(: Clap hands for me^^

Dance is veryvery screwed. Haha. But well. Whatever.

Today was a weird day but I am really tired and worn out. I dun wake up at 6am in the morning tmr... and plus my throat jus worsened so i tink i will get scolding lahs. Haix. This is sian..

Todays chem was a joke of a lesson man. We had fun lah but it was rlly joke.

tmr dunno how lahs. I wanna go churchhh~~

Wanna stay at home and slack/ do homwork also. Haix. These few days have been crap

And Miss Yu left Singapore today.. Maybe she reach Taiwan le bah. I feel lik crying jus thinking that another teacher has jus left.

Today is was raining and I felt like jus standing under the rain and crying my heart out, screaming all those damned wretched feelings I have been holding back for so long, but well, I still have enough sense to not do that.

I tink life is making a joke of me and everything nowadays. My family, my friends, my studies, my cca, ME.

I have lost what contributes to my happiness alr. My family is totally in a crisis or smth lah. I won't divulge anything but things aren't looking too good at home and I somehow feel I am all at fault. Haix.

My friends are all facing their own problems and I am still that piece of drifting wood floating about unsure of where to go, just going with the current. I need someone there for me alr and I need to stop feeling so out. Cuz I've had enough of this feeling alr.

Mr studies is total crap. I am totally slacking in my work, I am no hardworking at all, I don't do my homework, I am not listening when the teacher's teaching and instead daydreaming, emo-ing dunno thinking about what crap.

I just fell sick and as a result my cca is DUH affected and its fucking crap. Now I am like his pathetic piece of shit that is struggling to keep up with the rest when previously i was so good alr. Fuck. Wait till you hear what he said.

All the expectations I've had of myself. All of that he has had of me. All of that from everybody. It has all come crashing down thanks to 1 bloody freaking fever.

CCA was one area where I had no problem before and now, in warm up, I run slower and slower and even coughcoughcough like crazy. I hated myself so much on ytd. I am just another failure of life.

Everything's runined. And I dunno what causedt eh change in me from Sem 1 to Sem 2. I will say this, I DESPERATELY wan the sem 1 me back. But look at me NOW.

Sem 1, homework, once reach home MUST DO. If I cannot finish also dun care. I will not sleep until I finish my homework. When I go to school. If I dunno how to do, I will NEVER copy I dun allow ppl to copy my work also.

LOOK AT ME NOW. COMPARE.

Sem 1 I could still laugh. I could still smile. I didn't just think of crying 24/7. I could go to church. I loved God, I loved the church. I backslided here and there but I never once didn't wanna go to church.

LOOK AT ME NOW!

Sem 1 I still had people who I thought maybe if I put in more effort, I could trust them and they would stay by me. There were problems. Many. But we overcame and blahblah. I had what I would call CLOSE FRIENDS.

NOW? Even Zi who doesn't see us at all can tell the status of our relationships.

Do you think life is going well for me?? I think it's making a joke out of me.

And all the deadlines and expectations. I SEEM TO BE FAILING EVERYTHING!! Oh fuck.

CID slides -today
Maths assignment 10 - today
Dance - tues
D&T - next week
Gymnastics - first week of term 4
LA oral - first week of term 4
Chem class test - week 10(now week 8)
Prac test - first week of term 4
CID presentation - coming friday

NICE rite? So what if I did well for 1 or 2 tests? So what if I did well for the past 2 terms? You ppl are damn funny. You think that's it? You think jus cuz i did once, i can always do it? It depends on the condition man.

LOOK AT MINE THIS TERM.

Science - fucking flunk
hist- dunno
geog -dunno
maths - so-so
chi - dunno
lang arts - maybe it's the only one i did well for? And i dunno compre yet.

I dunno.I am fucking flunking my studies and just cuz I had 3.8 consect for both terms, I have the stress now to live up to it and get another 3.8 this term and the next. In fact, people are expecting me to get 3.9/4.0. You think it's possible for my condition now? Use your brains ppl. (sorry for being so mean)

I dunno what to say about my life now except that it's a total failure. Everything's failing and I dun evn know where the problem started from. Lik maybe it started from the breakup. I dunno. Fuck life.

Evreything's screwed and so am i.

Kill me if you want. Stop toying with me. I'd rather die than get tortured over and over again with the same things. Crappy life this is.

My hidden identity is one no one knows of..

2009-08-21T23:25:00.002+08:00

TAG REPLIES

zann: even if u give up on God, he NEVER gives up on you!!!!!!!
YEA! I know(: Thanks daughter for remind me AGAIN.

vaanneeesssaaa!: yo mommy. dont bully me le la (as in my blog de tag) Anw, congrats on getting into psb interview! ;D AND TAKE CAREE
Haha. LOL! I'm just helping to spread the word! xD

bernice :): mmhmmm, you got in ! http://psbrd2009.blogspot.com/
YEA! :DBut it's like practically everyone who applied got in LOL

chelsea: so long nvr tag until the name not auto thr liao. okay, i don't think you know what i mean...
OO. I tink i understand. Haha.

!Shiying: BOO! get well soon:D Vivian tay is oso sick
Yea. I know. Haix. Pandemic area man our class.

chelsea: anyway...GET WELL SOON OKAY! YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT FROM MEEEEE. IF YOU GT THEN I WILL NEI4JIU4YIBEI4ZI DE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHA. must be cause i din hug you or cheer you up anymre...hmm...i shall make you laugh more then!!! ^^
No i dun tink I got it from you. Haha. AND LOL. What has laughing got to do with H1N1?? NO LINK CAN!!

chelsea: everyone's like missing you.
Happy to hear that. Haha.

chelsea: i didnt noe you gt fever sia. you only smsed me that you juz woke up. and like i thot that you were a pig cause you slept fro like 6 hours or sth. i din noe you were sick.
Omg. Thanks alot for being so honest. Hmph. I ain't a pig lah. Sleep for 6 hours -.-

chelsea: read your bible pray everyday....pray everday, pray everyday (X2) and you'll grow grow grow!
Heh. Prob is i dun read? Yea.

chelsea: congrats for #1, eng gt top in class(recount) 27/30!!!!! i gt only 23 sia. #2 no hw today. #3, i tink you did v. well for ICAS COMPUTER de. yaya. okayokay. that's all for now. bo1bao4wan2bi4...
LOL! You next time wan be newscaster isit? And thanks for reporting my stuff in class ah. LOL! And got hw lor. Maths -.-

chelsea: fated 2 love you is uber funny+touching canz!!!! gowatch!
I dun have the time lahhhh.

chelsea: i'm drama queen. i heart shot tags now.
I know you like drama and is UBERUBER drma yourself. AND I CAN REALLY TELL YOU LIKE SHORT TAGS(:

chelsea: cause mr chow wrote that my sentences had 4 commas(like what's wrong la) and it's too "windy"(i guess it blows his mind away when he reads my lengthy and windy sentences) 4 commas not my record kay. i had six commas once in a one paragraph sentence!!!! he says the class's sentences were too short. we should try to be bolder and test out longer sentences i'm just adventurous.
LOL! NICEONE!! But it is seriously too long. Eh girl. Try to be not so naggy. If got 4 commas means that you are like saying everything in 12 breath with 4 breaks. DUN MAKE SENSE RITE!!

chelsea: next time i shall give him six connectors in a sentence instead of commas
GOT DIFF MEH. HAHA.

chelsea: ex. mary felt that xx teacher was being unreasonable as he does not display maturity in his answers because of his inability to think well so it resulted in brain damage and leads to the dying of his brain cells which in turn causes him to lose his ability to process the thoughts which he has in his mind if he has the right state of mind in the first place. it doesnt make sense but whatever. i didnt use a single comma! oh, there should be a comma somewhere, i think.
Am I suppose to understand that? From my interpretation, you are mary and mr chow is xx teacher? LOL!. NICEONE DAUGHTER. Drama queen xD

chelsea: cheer up valen
Thanks girlgirl(:

yijie: chelsea is crazy. anw im smart! am i am i? i bet you'll say i am:D i wna go out with you
Nope. You're not. But you ain't stupid cuz you have a brain and stupid = brainless/ no brain so you are retarded^^

yijie: what did your do tday! was the chinese tcher nice? i think she is
Erm. When was your tday ah? I prefer Miss Yu.. She flew off today you know. And dun give any comments bout her now or I will kill you cuz I like her and I know you don't.

yijie: i love long sentences lahh
-.- I can rlly see that you know!!

yijie: you are chio man im jealous
Wah. Thanks for the compliment ah. *bows*

yijie: i wna spam alotalot
YOU ALR DID

yijie: im running out of things to say
THEN STOP OK. Next time stop! :D

yijie: hope i dont get sick
You won't You alr are!! IN THE HEAD(:

chelsea: how's that even considered as LONG(let me emphasis, ladies and gentlemen, LONG SENTENCES) she loves long sentences but i don't see her use it. -haha-
I dun see how your sentences are short either!! And you say," I HEART SHORT SENTENCES NOW" -.-

!Shiying: LOL? u guys are mad yea. see, i'm the extremely normal one! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Be jealous!
I think you also abit sotsot de. Kena influence liao. OH NO!!

zann: lots of spams??? LOL
Yea. My poorpoor tagboard rite..

!Shiying: I saw pirated version of maya just now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
So poorthing. Cannot see real one must see the pirated version xD Hahaha.

chelsea: don't worry, i don't mind spamming...hahah
I MIND!!! WTH! >:(

LOOKS AT THE HORRENDOUS AMOUNT OF TAGS I HAD TO REPLY DUE TO SPAMMING BY CHELSEA AND YIJIE!! ARGH!!

2009-08-21T22:20:00.006+08:00

Leave

Yeah,
Finally I realize that I am nothing without you
I was so wrong, forgive me
Ah ah ah ah~

[Verse 1; GD TOP]
My broken heart like a wave
My shaken heart like a wind
My heart vanished like smoke
It can't be removed like a tattoo
I sigh deeply as if a ground is going to cave in
Only dusts are piled up in my mind(say goodbye)

[GD Rap]
Yeah, I thought I wouldn't be able to live even one day without you
But somehow I managed to live on (longer) than I thought
You don't answer anything as I cry out "I miss you"
I hope for a vain expectation but now it's useless

[TOP Rap]
What is it about that person next to you, did he make you cry?
Dear can you even see me, did you forget completely?
I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can't get close nor try to talk to you
I spend long nights by myself, erasing my thoughts a thousand times

[Chorus]
Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this

I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)
Oh girl I cry, cry
You're my all, say goodbye...

[Verse 2; SR DS]
If we pass by each other on the street
Act like you didn't see me and go the way you were walking to
If you keep thinking about our past memories
I might go look for you secretly

[GD]
Always be happy with him, (so) I won't ever get a different mind
Even smallest regret won't be left out ever
Please live well as if I should feel jealous

[TOP]
You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud
Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened

[Repeat Chorus]
Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this

[Bridge; DS SR]
I hope your heart fees relieved
Please forget about me and live (on)
Those tears will dry completely
As time passes by

[YB]
It would've hurt less if we didn't meet at all (mm)
Hope you will bury our promise of being together forever baby
I pray for you

[Repeat Chorus]
Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)

*sorry for lying. Min Young.. Really loved you.*

Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)

Oh girl I cry, cry
You're my all, say goodbye, bye
Oh my love don't lie, lie
You're my heart, say goodbye

2009-08-17T11:40:00.002+08:00

GAGA. My fever is so nice to me, it likes me so much it has decided to come back. OH NO!!!

I dun like you ok fever, go away and stop burning my poor pathetic amount of brain cells already. I am dumb enough.. BOOHOO T.T

Haix. I wanted to go school today and woke up liao, dressed already and then ahma heard my coughing and say I shouldn't go school. BLEH.

So stayed at home and boring can.. Haix Then morning no fever lahs. Temp was normal (:

At 10.50 liddat, I go take temp then suddenly become 37.9. I freaked out and drank my entire bottle of water. Pro rite. It's 1 litre btw.

So yea. Now fever's like... 37.6? Gosh.

SAVE MY BRAIN CELLS GOD!! I dun wanna get serious case of H1N1 and have to go hospital and all lah. Esp like ICU all those. God, please help me.

Oh but I am a very bad girl cuz well, I backslided a lot. I realised that I didn't pray at all to God since I've fallen sick till now. Pro rite? I dun usually pray alot but, meals de prayer I still do, and when I'm in trouble (i am rlly qianbian) , I will pray.

But I haven't prayed at all lahs. Like what? I don't trust that God can heal me and make me better? I don't believe that He can cure me? Rubbish you know. THere I was, claiming to be a GREAT lover of Jesus Christ and God and here I am doing all these crap. Gaga. What a hypocrite rite.

Nice one Valen.

I tink I shall go rest or smth now. My head hurts. I think my brain's expanding from the heat and the cells that expands too much pops like bubbles. Whatever. Me and my rubbish imagination. Byebye.

2009-08-16T10:33:00.002+08:00

!Shiying: LMAO. you will kip mr xiong's mum as a memory and u saw him sitting on ur father. HAHA
Yea. It's a total joke man. WTH. Haha.

vaanneeesssaaa!: omg mommy. what u doing with xiong xiong. LOL sound so wrong. nvm
Haha. I never do anything with him sia. The quiz is just weird man. GOSH. Haha.

vaanneeesssaaa!: TAKE CARE YEAHH.
Yea. Thanks ah^^

ydnew: wah u tag 3tmes at my blog ?! and aiyo go down load urself lurh. mine in phone one
Psps. Cuz I tag liao than they keep saying posting failed. Then in the end never fail at all de lor.. Stupeed..

Rui Xiang: tagged . When i was sick my fever was 40 degrees. Hahaha, burnt my brain cells (no wonder i feel so stupid now) HAHAHAH Get welll soon :d
Haha. But you still smarter than me what. So burn abit of brain cells also nvm one lah xD I then cannot afford to burn my brain cells lor.

!Shiying: Get well soon!(:
Haha. THanks darling ^^

CANDIS :D: Get well soon! (; Take cares alrights! LOVED<3
Yea! I better alr(: You also take care ah. Loveyah! :D

yijie: aiyo...but haha so funneh the doctor:/ hahahahahahha:D im smart i know why:) yay im damm smart!!! and so kelian i nvr care do what during fever you take care of yourself vry well lahh:/ hahah still think of barley, idk even what barley is for..how make ahh @@and h1n1 is so normal nao:)
Yea. The doctor is a joke. Haha. But he's my family doctor. So called. Lol. It's obvious lah. I should edit the post and say if you are not stupeed you should know why. Haha. And is my ahma make de lah. But I tink I know how to make lah. Although H1N1 is normal, it's not nice to get it.

Steph:
Lol. You contradict sia. Haix. But confirm will kena scolding one lah. Just hope that he's in a good mood on tuesday.. Haix..

Hihi people. My temp has finally gone down and it's at normal temp alr. But at like 4 or 5 in the morning liddat, damn scary. My temp went up to 39.6.. Then I sms daddy & mummy then daddy just say later then bring me to doctor's(hospital).

Ahma was like totally freaked and wanted to bring me to the hospital liao lahs. But I told her I told Mummy liao.

Like omg. If my temp never go down how? My mum woke up at 10.30+ lehs. Wth. If let's say rlly keep rising, I would be like dead by the time they come.

Anyways, I have drank so much water today and ytd that I really feel like vomitting when water is given to me. Yucks lah. Plus there's this weird weird taste in my mouth. Yucks can.

Gaga. I dun like to fall sick.. Hmph. Whatever. Haven't been eating PROPER FOOD also. Like it's porriage ad porriage and porriage. -.- I rather eat bread liao lah. Being sick sucks. Must really get well soon..

2009-08-15T13:03:00.002+08:00

Hello. I am back. Well, didn't post ytd cuz I was totally damn sick.

Fever + sore throat + cough + funny nose. Plus the others symptoms of H1N1.

Went to the doctor's right then the convo is like kinda funny.

Doc: *takes my temp and says* shao1
Doc: Got sore throat?
Me: Ya. Abit.
Doc: Got cough?
Me: Ya. Have.
Doc: Got runny nose?
Me: Yes.

THen after that listen to heartbeat then.

Doc: *talks to my ahma* AS you have read the papers lah, nowdays ppl who get runny or cough most likely is H1N1 already. So I tink the chances of her getting H1N1 is rather high.
Ahma: Huh... Aiyo.
Doc: But she is healthy mah. Not pregnant, no diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, asthma. So shouldn't be very big a problem.
Me: *nods head*
Doc: So I will give *this medicine & that medicine (dunno is what so I put the * sign) *
Me: Orh ok.
Doc: But must look out lah. If eat the medicine, fever don't subside, or cough worsens or got difficulty breathing, must tell me immmediately.
Me: Ok.
Doc: Ok. That's all.

*pls note, the entire convo was in chinese. Except for my parts lah*

So yea. Doc says I probably hav H1N1. So those people who were in close contact with me esp on friday, must really take care sia. Tania esp. Always drink my water. Must take care.

Jus now after waking up then ate medicine then go do dunno what lah. But after that go sleep again. When I just woke up rite, my temp was lik 39.2'C.

I totally freaked out and then faster go ice and all. So it has lowered to 38++.

Crazy ritex. No appetitie to eat also. Haix. Then Doctor also say no PE and CCA for 1 week. Oh no lahs. If liddat, then i die liao lor. Smart people will know why :X

So yea. Just updating bout my condition and ppl, pls take care of yourselves. I scared you all also fall sick then will be my fault le. Pls take care ppl.

I'm gonna drink some barley now. Like to jiang4 huo3. Byebye ppl.

OHOH. If I never go school on monday, you all know why lahs. Haix. But doctor say if ok le can go. So hope I'm ok (:

BYEBYE ppl.

2009-08-13T22:25:00.003+08:00

I finally decided to do this quiz so yea.

Answer the questions that follow and fill them into the blanks of the template:

Dear (the last person who texted you)
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2) (3) and I saw you (4) (5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory.You should also know that I (10) (11).
(12), Your name.

1. What's the colour of your shirt?
[ ]Blue - Our romance is over
[ ]Red - Our affair is over
[ ]White - I'll join the monastery
[ ]Black - I dislike you
[ ]Brown - The mafia wants you
[ ]Green - Our horoscopes don't match
[ ]Grey - You're a pervert
[√]Yellow - I'm selling myself
[ ]Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
[ ]No shirt - You're a loser
[ ]Other - I'm in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
[ ]January - That night
[√]February - Last year
[ ]March - When your dwarf bit me
[ ]April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
[ ]May - First of May
[ ]June - When you put cuffs on me
[ ]July - When I threw up
[ ]August - When I saw the shrunken head
[ ]September - When we skinny dipped
[ ]October - When I quoted Santa
[ ]November - When your dog ran amok
[ ]December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
[ ]Tacos - In your apartment
[ ]Pizza - In your camping car
[ ]Hamburgers - Under the bus
[ ]Salad - As you ate enchilada
[ ]Pasta - Outside of Chicago
[√]Chicken - In your closet
[ ]Kebab - With Paris Hilton
[ ]Fish - In women's clothing
[ ]Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
[ ]Lasagna - At the mental hospital
[ ]Hot dog - Under a state of trance
[ ]None of the above - With George Bush and his wife

4. What's the colour of your socks?
[ ]Yellow - Hit on
[ ]Red - Insult
[ ]Black - Ignore
[ ]Blue - Knock out
[ ]Purple - Pour syrup on
[ ]White - Carve your initials into
[ ]Grey - Pull the clothes off
[ ]Brown - Put leeches on
[ ]Orange - Castrate
[√]Barefoot - Sit on
[ ]Pink - Pull the toupee off
[ ]Other - Drive out

5. What's the colour of your underwear shorts?
[ ]Black - My best friend
[√]White - My father
[ ]Grey - Bill Clinton
[ ]Brown - My fart balloon
[ ]Red - Donald Duck
[ ]Blue - My avocado plant
[ ]Yellow - My penpal in Iraq
[ ]Purple - My mustard souffle
[ ]Orange - My Kid Rock collection
[ ]Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper
[ ]None - My John F. Kennedy statue
[ ]Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
[ ]Scrubs - Man
[ ]O.C. - Emotional
[ ]One Tree Hill - Open
[ ]Heroes - Frostbitten
[ ]House - Scarred
[ ]Lost - High
[√]Simpsons - Cowardly
[ ]The news - Mongolic
[ ]Idol - Masochistic
[ ]Family Guy - Senile
[ ]Top Model - Middle class

7. Your mood right now?
[ ]Happy - How awful I've felt
[ ]Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
[ ]Sad - How boring you are
[ ]Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
[√]Depressed - That we're cousins
[ ]Excited - That there is no solution to this
[ ]Nervous - The middle east
[ ]Worried - That your Honda sucks
[ ]Apathetic - That I did a sex change
[ ]Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster
[ ]Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
[ ]Overjoyous - That I'm open
[ ]Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks
[ ]None of the above - Ashamed

8. What's the colour of your bedroom walls?
[ ]White - Your ring
[ ]Yellow - Your love letters
[ ]Red - Your Darth Vader poster
[ ]Black - Your tame stone
[ ]Blue - The couch cushions
[ ]Orange - Your false teeth
[ ]Brown - Your contact book
[ ]Green - The pictures from LA
[ ]Grey - Our matching Snoopy bibs
[√]Purple - Your old lottery coupons
[ ]Pink - The cut toenails
[ ]Others - The memories in the military service

9. What is the first letter of your first name?
[ ]A/B - Your photo
[ ]C/D - The oil stocks
[ ]E/F - Your neighbour Martin
[ ]G/H - your virginity
[ ]I/J - Results of your blood sample
[ ]K/L - Your left ear
[ ]M/N - Your suicide note
[ ]O/P - My common sense
[√]Q/R - Your mom
[ ]S/T - Your collection of butterflies
[ ]U/V - Your criminal record
[ ]W/X - David's tricot outfits
[ ]Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. What is the last letter of your last name?
[√]A/B - Always will remember
[ ]C/D - Never will forget
[ ]E/F - Always wanted to break
[ ]G/H - Never openly mocked
[ ]I/J - Always have felt dirty before
[ ]K/L - Will tell the authorities about
[ ]M/N - Told in my confession today about
[ ]O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
[ ]Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
[ ]S/T - Get sick when I think of
[ ]U/V - Always will try to forget
[ ]W/X - Am better off without
[ ]Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
[ ]Water - Our friendship
[ ]Beer - Senility
[√]Soft drink - A new life as a clone
[ ]Soda - The incarnation of an eskimo
[ ]Milk - The apartment building
[ ]Wine - Cocaine abuse
[ ]Cider - A passionate interest for mice
[ ]Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
[ ]Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
[ ]Hot chocolate - Eggplant fetishism
[ ]Whisky - To ruin the second World War
[ ]Other - To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you want to go on a vacation?
[ ]Thailand - Warm regards
[ ]USA - Best regards
[ ]England - Good luck on your short term leave from jail
[ ]Spain - Go and drown yourself
[ ]China - Disgusting regards
[ ]Germany - With ease
[ ]Japan - Go burn
[ ]Greece - Your everlasting enemy
[√]Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
[ ]Egypt - Fuck off
[ ]France - In pain

Dear Justin/Mr Xiong(hope he doesn't mind :X),
I don't really know how to tell you this, i'm selling myself. i think i realized it last year in your closet, and i saw you sit on my father. i'm sure you're cowardly enough to understand That we're cousins. i'm returning Your old lottery coupons to you, but i'll keep your mom as a memory. You should also know that i Always will remember A new life as a clone.
Greetings to your frog Leonard, valencia

OH GOSH. that sounds damn wrongggg... GAGAGAGA. I'm not a prost, I have NEVER knew him last year nor been to his house to be in his closet, sitting on my father is totally ridiculous. WE ARE DEF NOT COUSINS LOL!! Why would I keep his mom as a memory...

THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE MAN! Haha. But it's a joke.

2009-08-12T21:26:00.002+08:00

Oh tell me bout the irony of life man. Haha. And my retarded-ness. I copied the diagrams onto my maths exercise book right and I highly think that I have copied ALL OF THEM WRONGLY. Unless I am like so dumb lah. Then dunno how to do..

But well, I have decided that since I can't do maths, I shall do history instead which I sorta know how to do already(: But of course haven do lah. Later then chiong abit bah.

My hand hurts anyway. So I dun really feel like writing. I filed in stuff jus now and then my chinese handwriting was like crap can. Gaga. Hand too pain liao. Whatever. I dun care^^

Today haix. Horrible day lah. Whatever. Dun wanna elaborate. Anyways when going home saw Dinesh they all. Wah seh. Remind me of 2008 again. Hung out with them for some period of time lah. They are quite good friends de (:

And I despise those people who says that I should not be hanging around with PEOPLE LIKE THEM and that they despise them. You are the one that shouls be despised lah asshole.

I mean. I would seriously hang out with like a group of people whose studies may not be good but at least they are still trying and they haven't given up yet. They also won't go and talk behind their good friend's back. THey take loyalty seriously. Gangs or not, THAT I DUN CARE.

I dun mind joining a gang lor. Pttf. I this kind of person. Can easily be paikia one. All the diff vulgarities, I know. Tell me to quarrel, I know. Tell me to fight, I have the strength. So yea. Why not? I can so easily be one if I really want to.

But nah. I still wanna put my brains to use. Dun wanna go kill my skin cells by tatoo-ing. Pain. Lol.. (not like I am afraid of the pain -.-)

Blah Blah. Dunno what the hell I am saying also but well. I jus miss hanging out with Dinesh, Matthew, Dinesh Kumar, Kelly... BLAHBLAH. All the 6/8 & 6/9 ppl. Wahseh. I love last year's NDP celebration time lah. Spent practically every afternoon with them as they danced and rehearsed and then I slack there(:

I like hanging out with those peeps lah. Damn nice ppl. Nisa.. Shafiqah.. KaiNgee... Kelly.. Nice ppl man. Nisa and I could rlly click lah. Due to our similiar opinions bout certain ppl.. xD and yea. Good friend(:

I miss those times so damn much lah. Haix. Saps 2008 holds hell lot of memories man. Really miss it.

BUt well, there anymore with big enough brains yet to make a real time machine. All ppl do is make MOVIES of it. GAGA. I admit I dun have those brains. But I wish someday ppl could maybe make one. I could go and experience all those lost feelings again. Wouldn't that rock?

Thinking bout them makes me think of well, a certain someone with a certain nickname, chipmunk(:

All those times we spent together. All the things we said, all the promises we made. All the tears I shed, all the tissues he spared. All our concern for each other, all our 'love; for each other. All the moments that should have froze in time, all the mutual feelings we shared.

I miss everything we had.

How he was a good friend, staying by to listen to my complaints, woes and worries. Sparing me his precious tissues and his shirt at times to dry my tears. Comforting me with his soothing voice, telling me, it doesn't really matter how things turned out, because regardless of the result, he will always be there.

Helping me with the impossible of tasks, of doing endless ridicuous crap due to my long list of demands. Never giving up on me and always encouraging me.

I remember there was once, we spent so long on the phone, my phone ran out of battery and had to recharge it while we spoke and chatted and I cried till 3 or 4 in the morning.

Oh that phonecall, All the things he told me, some truths, some promises. Those significant words rang in my ears as he retold the 'story' from his point of view. How he assured me he will always be there. How he told me I had nothing to fear.

I miss those words. I miss that voice.

We met a few times this year, with once a lovely time. Akira cross race, he was there, so was i. I remember the phonecalls and the look he had when he saw me. That bright and cheerful smile he had, lit up my face and I too, smiled so ever brightly.

After the race, as the rain poured, thunder sounded and lightning flashing. I had waited freezing outside the toilet, waiting so everly for him to come and protect me from the cold as how he had always protected me from everything else.

The dinner we had after that, as I waited coldly in macs, waiting for him to appear, smiling his lovely bright smile and filling me with warmth. We ate with his senior, laughters, jokes were aplenty but what mattered was his deardear presence.

There was another time last year, when 4 of us went for a movie. The nevrending tears kept flowing out and the way he offered me tissue was hilarious. Despite the tears, I managed a laugh at his action. He never fails to bring happiness into my teary world.

Where has all that gone? I dun wan it to be just a memory...

As a friend, what more can I ask? He's caring, supportive, encouraging, funny, lovely and so much more. As an adviser, he isn't very good with words, but he always tries still.

Why must all these be just part of the past? I miss him. I really do. I wan our relationship to be like before and not like what it is now, in ruins.

It doesn't have to be that when we change schools, everything changes as well. I dun wan that and I don't think I have very much accepted it yet.

Hey, I know you probably don't read this but can you please come back to me and be that ever encouraging, supportive, motivative and cheerful friend of mine? I don't ask for much, just come back and be who you were. I really need you.. I really do..

I can find no one else like you for now. And I need you to be in my life when I'm down. You promised me you'd be, so would you live up to it?

Don;t abandon me to deal with things on my own, I can't balance if the wall I'm leaning on is gone. I will fall and break and hurt myself. I am sure you don't want that right? Pls.. Come back. I want you to. But it seems highly impossible.

Our relationship lasted for 1 year 4 months and a few days. It aint's even 2 years yet. So damn bloody pathetic can. I just want you back. Come back.

As the world turns around, I am stable with you..

2009-08-11T22:29:00.003+08:00

HOHO. It has been such a long long long day man!! Oh gosh. I am so damn tired and worn out from the day. GAGA.

But I like if not love today!! :D I mean it's like abit sad, here and there. Emo here and there. demoralise abit here and there but in total, the day rocked like dunno what lah!! Haha :D

I wanna go sleep but I wanna post this nicenice day which I rlly like 'enjoyed' myself in RV ^^ Dunno how long never liddat liao. I was kinda afraid of coming to school in the morn lor. Like. Scared some stuff will happen but well ^^ you know lah. Hehe.

So yea. Lik, took train and bus with Cathy again. THe 97 bus HORRIBLY changed into a single deck de lah and was gagaga. SIAN CAN. Didn't sleep lah DUH. Was standing. Was like thinking about rubbish to occupy myself since cannot sleep.

Like, Miss Ling's farewell card and stuff like that. Abit late and boliao. I KNOW xD

So reached school liao then spend my time with KOALA~~ talking and chatting blahblah and then Miss Ling came right, SHE REBONDED HER HAIR LEH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. First thing I said bout her hair was like,"Miss Ling, YOU REBOND YOUR HAIR!!"

"Why? Why cannot? You also rebond your hair what. Just that yours is a long time ago *smiles brightly*"

Hahaha. Ok that's LOL but well, it's looks quite nice lah. Abitnt used to it. But.. NVM(:

THere was like no singing of the anthem and pledge. ABIT WEIRD HOR. BUt there were annoucements lah. So I dunno what's up lor. LMAO.

So Mr Xiong and Mrs Yap were like in class and then something funny kinda happened. Vivian threw this magazine at HaoLong and Mrs Yap's face was like :O xDDDD HAHAHA. JOKE LAHSSSS!!! Was funny. Then Mr Xiong keep hanging around. Haha

Went for dance MANAGED TO COMPLETE 1 minute!!! WHOOOOHOOO!!!! :D Happyhappy^^

We were all like high and cooperative so like damn nice lahs. I like our dance but Mr Soh said like I shouldn't cartwheel in and then since I was so out of place also. Hmph.. MAYBE? Dkdk. Confirm can improve lahs(:

After tht no PE cause Mr Keith not her like AGAIN. Hmph. I tink our gymnastics confirm fail liao lahs. SIAN CAN. GAGA.

Spend our time discussing bout gymnastics de stuff. In our groups lahs :D HEHE.

Recess was nice lah. Spend time with darling, qinping, vivianwong, kellie, maomao & some in & out ppl like ding en. Haha.

We talked bout some random topics and was fun lor!! :D HEHE I like recess today never emo!! HOHO. Like usually recess is prime time to emo de lor. Anws, after going back to class then we go gather at ShiYing table there and talk bout lots of rubbish. Haha.

Lang Arts test was GOSH. CUI. Dun wan talk about it lahs. Demoralising. Then nice1 lahs. After LangArts is CHINESE. *faints* It's like rubbish lah pls. I dun like continuous tests. Especially after Vanes go make my shoulder so pain. OUCHHHH~

Chem was like syllabus based. FINALLY CAN. Went through some of the stuff in assignment and then dismiss le.

Wanna skip this whole part cuz it's frekaing predictable but YuNing says she came to my blog ytd you know. GOSH. Haha. Nolah nolah. Hehe. Anyways. I was like so happy when I saw that Mr Xiong was still in school when I was about to leave you know!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!

Like FINALLY. I leave school earlier wor!! HAHAHA. JOKE.

Suan-ed YeeChing like shit. Joanne abit. YeeChing's a noob lah. Haha. NOOB~~ xD

Went back to pioneer house blahblah and some rubbish happened but forget it. My bdy is aching esp my shoulders thanks alot to

POH JIN YU VANESSA.

Hmph. I shall kill her with my 'invisible knives' tmr. HMPH. EVIL.

Ok. ANyways. Today was actually like good cuz I didn't really interact much with THIS PERSON and since he/she always makes me feel as though I am at fault for everything and anything that happens to him/her, I am duh happier not interacting much with this so & so.

Tmr idk. I hope it will be like today. NICENICE. I dun wanna be unhappy lah. Seriously. Today I enjoyed myself pretty much. I felt like I fit in. *sort of* but well. Much to improve on anyways. Haha.

Tmr got XiongXiong de lesson^^ HOHO. Gonna be nice. I suddenly miss his lessons. LOL. JOKE RITEX. Hehe. But his lessons ARE INTERESTING and kind of a joke sometimes. Haha.

TMR GOT PHYSICS MAKEUP ALSO!! Miss Ling!! :D Haha. I am like huge fans of them both thanks to the ridiculous love story I made xD Hoho. YAYE. TMRTMRTMR!! I am excited bout tmr man. Hehehehe :D

I hope it will be a good day anyway. Despite the fact I can't go home earlier. But well. Got Miss Ling and Mr Xiong's lessons sia. Confirm nice de^^ HOHO.

Okok. I wanna go make card and then go sleep liao. Haha. I am nice^^

NITEX PPL.

*the change of posts genre is cuz I dun wanna post emo stuff. My blog so dead-ish lah. Happy stuff makes it alive!! Provided that there are actually happy stuffs to post (: *

2009-08-10T22:11:00.002+08:00

Like, say WOAH. Cuz I was blog hopping and then i realised it's like 10.12 already. PRO (:

Sianzz. I miss SAPS all of a sudden. Miss 6/1, Mrs Ho and how everyone was so bonded. Hahaha. It was a joke. Mrs Ho was like so 'together' with us de lah. I remember all our pet phrases as a class..

"STRIKEOUT!!" - when it came to science questions ^^ Mrs Ho always say, "Everything strike out then dun need to do alr lah."

It was a joke how everything seemed to be so fun then. Mrs Ho rocks lah. Haix. Memories man. Feel like going back to last year right now. So damn nice. ZePing and Bryan with their manga & cartoons. Joel & emerald with PSPs and audi xD Chryst and hi-five gang with their weird nonsensical jokes xDD AhGong(Judith) & that whole family, Yashwanth, sathya, Kishore(!!), blahblah. OMG. I miss 6/1 alot suddenly.

Haix.

Everything seemed nice and lovely last year except for a handful of ups and downs but nearing the end or smth, everything fitted and life rocked. Despite tears and blah, we were all together, united and loving.

Emo-ness and tears were there but well, Happiness and laughter remained. Hypocrism existed but well, love was way beyond that. Haix. I miss SAPS life where I was still a child and things were SUPPOSED to be simple. I miss life back then..

P1 & P2 was so simple. Everyone was trustworthy and jokes were shared freely. Friends were made easily too. I remember, there was a period of time when I was ostracized. It was so damn damn horrible but well, I didn't rlly take it to heart then. So long as after that, I had my friends (:

P3 was when Chryst and 'gang' came in xD With Edlyn, Mira it's like woah. One whole new gang man. So damn cool and blah. xD Yea there were like cliques and I was still there in the middle dunno where to go and wanna suck up here and stick to there. Haha. Joke man xD

P4, Mrs Wong and Narnian war xD Track was my life then. I loved it like nuts. Was growing up alr but I had christine nd wah. She's damn nice a friend. Trusted her like nuts and shared with her everything de. Until end of year some stuff happened and haix.

P5 was still with christine until she left then was with Chryst le. By then trust was to be earned. Not so easily jus given. But Chryst was uberuberuber nice(: Shannon joined track thanks to bella & i and tweets. Life was nice with great friends.

Despite the fact that P5 was woah. Traumatising for the naive girl who was still growing up. I like it lor. Fariq(forgot how to spell liao lahs :(), siddartha, zeping, bryan with their SICK jokes and how nice things sorta were.

P6, woah. Abit hard to digest within minutes but well, it was nice. Trust was difficult but well. Haha. Had lots of help from lots of people, was beginning to doubt lots of stuff, but well, the happy times rocked man.

Although the sad times were rlly freaking horrible, the good times rocked more and I could forget the entire world when I was with people who made my days last year.

I miss saps lahs. Miss it so damn much. I mean. RV is nice. 1J is not bad lah. Very fun also. But well, after being used to those kind of environment, I still need to adjust bah.

I mean, I was SOOOO dependent on those few ppl. Like, suddenly life changes and I have to adapt without them. Pttf. Abit difficult ritex. But I tried. I mean orientation that time I remember telling QinPing smth very cheerful and he said," WOW. You are so optimistic." JOKE.

But I must apologise to those in RV, in ONEJAY, in my life now. I am so so sorry for comparing with SAPS. I mean. 6 years vs 7 months. Obvious which wins rite. But well, I am still trying to fit in. Or rather, adapt bah.

I mean if you were REALLY compare, 6/1 had Mrs Ho who wah seh. Dun care bout rules and blah blah de and totally joke with us, understand us, teach us, blahblah. Over here, Mrs Yap is hmm. You know. Mr Xiong is gaga. Different lah.

6/1 had crazy ppl who broke rules like crazy. 1J ppl so guai(cuz sec 1 bah). Break rules only also cannot xD Now better le lah xD

6/1 had our manga drawers, zp, em, bryan. HOHO. 1J has well, non of them OH. Have cathy who's damn sick xD same as bryan xD

6/1 actually prac whole class sick one lah. *ahem. Head prefect also ok. Haha. My jie, chryst xD psps* 1J, well, almost just cathy? Hahaha. Vaness poor thing xD

So yea. No lah. Onejay has it's nice stuff ok. But hey. I am so freaking used to 6/1 style lahs xD

But well, 1J has freaking sotong ppl lik maxine xD have nicenice cheer ppl like me & vivian(lead cheer), has hyper active ppl like shiying & qinping blahblah. ONEJAY IS NICE ALSO OK.

But well, i still need to get rid of some 6/1 stuff in me. Too used to it le. I mean, I am so used to Chryst shouting all over class (although she's like just talking), Joel and his suans, cracky and her jokes blahblahblah.

Dun worry. I like ONEJAY nonetheless^^

I shall change myself to fit in^^ I mean, a desert fox can't live in antarctica man HAHA.

LALALA. So fun. I like this post. All the recapping. So nicee...

HOHO. Another 30 mins past liao. Crap. Eating into my sleep time. Kk. I shall go be guaikia and sleep. Tmr shall be nice. I am gonna love ONEJAY MOREMOREMORE~~!!!! :D Hehe. Count on that man WHOOOHOOO!! :D

*Gaga. Although I still wish certain ppl would be in RV xD*

2009-08-08T20:15:00.002+08:00

Have lots on my mind these few days but all are well, I dunno how to explain it.

I feel so much like a failure and everything i do seems to be failing as well. No matter how hard I try to make things rite, i always fail and screw things up.

I try to be happy, but turns out, I am just another hypocrite.

Hey. I've had enough of all this. And I wanna end it all with just a scratch.

2009-08-06T23:04:00.002+08:00

Sorta learn something new today. More than one lah. It has been an eventful day and well, I feel totally drained.

Different events taught me different things and well, whatever. I said some things which make me realise some other things. Lols lah.

Well, thanks fo showing me how much you really understand me as a friend. Thanks for SHOWING ME what friendship is. Thanks for the lessons you have taught me today. Thanks for making me snap out of my dream. Thanks.

Maybe it's just me lah. Me and my stupeed issues.

Today is a teary day. Morning, recess, P.E, Maths, After School till before reach home. All the way man. Haix.

It seriously sucks. Lik who would wanna be like this. BUt well, nice one, I just am lik this.

But I realised lor. Like, all that I said during PE, was well. CRAP. I always say that to others, I can be the best counsellor for everyone else in the world but NEVER EVER MYSELF.

Lik, I don't grab hold of out-stretched hands that are just so willing to help me along. I allow myself to weaken, to fall. I give up easily and always say I can't, I can't, I can't. It's sorta typical me.

It's all crap man. It's all crap.

Like for example, I always give that example of poor me in the dark, cold, lonely room. But whohad locked me inside there? No one but myself.

And no Chelsea, the other part of me is currently dead. Currently anyways. Dunno if it will revive but it won't be as easier as that.

Maybe someone has some magic potion to save her. But i kept her in my dungeon of my heart, surrounded by thick thick walls with hardly any cracks. And sadly, no one wans to save her.

Well, you all want to. But it's all so half hearted. I had a first hand experience of it. Maybe not everyone around me. But somepeople you know, SOME lah. Some of those who tel me they will be there, I should be happy, blah blah, they really showed their love and concern for me today.

Like thanks alot ok. When I am in need of you most. When I am at one of the low points of my life, you so conveniently decide that I wasn't important enough to be part of your memory and decided to just leave me alone, to just ignore or something. Thanks ah.

Whatever trust I was TRYING my freaking best to build up, now it has tripled. Thanks.

Just when I found a tiny crack in the wall and decided to try and use it to break the wall, you had to come over and cover the hole.

THanks alot. I dunno what to say. Hate? Not really, i still love you all. But well, I dunno. You dunno me, I dunno you. I won't say we are friends. I guess we are just.. accquaintances.

Like, I had once thought you were really the one who would break down the wall, I am totally wrong. Thanks for letting me know my mistake.

I have lost lots of hope and love and trust and faith and i dunno what else there is, but I lost it all. And no, it ain't something that can be found back so easily.

Seriously, what is friendship? What are friends? What is MY definition of friend? Am I even a good friend? I guess not.

I think I am ridiculous(: SAY YAYE/WOW. Valencia has finally realised it. WHOOOHOO! -.-

I have like one thousand and one thoughts in my mind and one million others pushing to be forward but well, forget it. I think, it's just no point doing all these. It's no point. Cuz at the end of it, I ain't doing anything to attempt to grab that outstretched hand and save myself.

I am the one who's killing myself. Say YAYE(:

I can see where I am going already. If I keep going down this path, someday, I will commit suicide and die or probably get depression and kill myself over the trivialities of life. Whatever. I hate Valencia.

Not because she rocks. But cuz she's worth less than the dirt on the ground ( I hope you know I am being sarcarstic, if not you got dementia^^)

I never held on..

2009-08-05T22:38:00.003+08:00

I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
(Stay with me, or watch me bleed)
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life

I think you have forgotten all about me. Cuz it seriously seems like that. You do things without caring bout me now. I guess you think I could get over it that easily huh.

I really hate you. Why promise me the world just to make it a lie. Why fly me up so high just to watch me fall down and die.

I haven seen you in I dunno how long. I miss you. Staring at your neos, staring at your pics, it just reminds me of those times we spent together. Oh especially X-country this year. It was a great great time.

But well, it's just that easy to have a change of heart huh? I realised things were amiss sometime ago. Your nonsensical excuses and expression of love. I guess I should have let go earlier. I should have hurt you before you hurt me.

I really love you. We've been through ups and downs like nobody's business. I'd grew dependent on you when you decided to move away.

Do you know how much it hurts just for me to let go? For you it's as easy as 1,2,3. I really dunno what to say. But I wish you were back with me. Yesh, I sound desperate. Cuz maybe, I really am.

2009-08-05T20:08:00.003+08:00

"Pretence isn't the the solution to anything. Nor is it the solution to everything. It is the solution to NOTHING - which can be interpreted as, No-Thing."

-Valen

Cheem anot? Lols. Jus something I thought of suddenly.

Well, these few days. I sorta thought, "Hey, I think my situation might be improving. I think things are getting better." I held on to that thinking.

But now, I know. It's totally rubbish.

I have been pretending, avoiding, avoiding and escaping. What I am doing is just to push everything aside and pretend as though nothing has happened and continue with my all so 'wonderous' life.

When something happens, I can do something about it. I wanna do something about it. Instead, I jus look, pretend & ignore. Wow.

I dun tink this is called improving in any sense at all.

Like what, I have been pretending that everything is ok. I am ok. Life is ok. Truth is, I am just avoiding reality, escaping it and pretending as though it was fake.

Pretending doesn't solve my problem. Procrasination just builds everything up and I dun see how, things are brightening up.

I dun see how, I've let go. I dun see how I am doing well. I dun see how life is good.

I dun see anything anymore. Visions, dreams, goals. I dun dare set any for myself now. Cuz the feeling of failing the goal I've set for myself is scary enough to think about. Much less letting it happen.

And I have been pretty much shutting myself out from everyone. I have close friends. But so? I am rejecting them all. They try to get close all the time but I dun let that happen. I am like a porcupine or something. Pufferfish maybe.

I have lost so much hope in this is 'hopeful' world.

I live in a world of pretence with hypocrites and liars everywhere. Well, not everywhere, but those whom I've meet.. Well, I guess I'm just unlucky.

I live in this weird world or I am the only special and weird one.

I dun fit in to this weird world. Maybe I should like form a crazily depressed club and then go see who want join and we shall all emo together and die together when we realise that the world is not the place for us.

Well, it's not the place for me anyways. I wanna cry out so badly. Scream, yell, shout and cry. I wannna do that and throw my fustrations away. But nah. I can't do it.

Lik, I really have to thank all those people who have been trying to help me, who has been encouraging me, who has been loving me. I thank you.

But well, I just ain't the normal kind of emo whereby when someone gives me advice and oh! suddenly the lightbulb's on and I realise that everything should be all positive before returning to negetive again.

No. Not anymore. To be serious, I dun even know what I am now. I guess I might be kind of a hermit(not the crab pls). A loner.

I wanna cry but my tears have run dry. I wan answers to my questions and not people to get me to forget it. I wan ppl to understand that I ain't normal and I ain't special - I am just weird and odd, that's what I am.

I wan ppl to know, they should stop wasting their efforts. Cuz they have to do so much jus to increase a slight bit of my esteem whereas another jus has to do 1 minor, tiny, miniature thing and YAY, Valen's gonna attempt to kill herself again.

I wan ppl to understand. I AM NOT LIKE YOU. I may understand how you feel. But you won't understand how I feel. Cuz it's a stage by stage thing and I think I am 'one level higher'.

I dun jus feel helpless, I dun jus feel I dun fit in. I dun jus feel no one's there. I dun jus feel life's a bitch. I dun just feel that things on the preface anymore. I dun feel anymore.

Lik what lah. I do self reflection all the time like basically after every action I do, I will think & think & think about it. Maybe my brain has overworked and fried itself(: YAY.

This ain't stress. This ain't helplessness. This ain't fustration. This ain't anything you think that is wrong with your life.

I dun even know what this is. But whatever YOU ARE FEELING. Stop comparing with me. I am actually just talking to one person anw. Stop telling me you know you know you know. NO YOU DUN.

Yours is like what elementary level of the feeling I am experiencing. So stop can. Trust me. I'd rather feel how you feel than how I am feeling. You can still sense joy. You can still be hyper. You can still be I dunno what.

When you are with them, you can. I can't you know. I can't. I can laugh talk smile but inside I feel empty. I feel NOTHING at all. No happiness nothing. I get disappointed with not doing well. But when I do well, I dun feel anything. It's just a "Oh. Ok. Good lor."

Sound very happy rite. No. Whatever. Stop making yourself like me. I see no reason why you wanna be as emo as me. Pttf. What rubbish. People wan get out you keep saying samesamesame. Finding all the similiarities like as though it's so good liddat.

Lik when I was saying that I had all the symptoms of H1N1. Stupeed rite. So yea. Stop ok. Unless you really wanna die already then ok lah. Cuz I tell you, I dun mind dying. THat's why H1N1 symptoms, have then good lah. Can die what.

Understand. So pls stop lah. I really dunno how to get you to understand. But whatever.

I dunno what weird universe I am in. Whatever. I feel so numb, I feel nothing.

Overwhelming numbness..

2009-08-02T19:51:00.002+08:00

Quiz that YiJie told me to do. Coloured = TRUE

The social status of successful people can be quite alluring to ESFJs and many marry prosperous mates and encourage them to accumulate the material signs of prosperity. Other ESFJs seem to fit in with the poor and the needy. In either case their dependability, dedication, and commitment to providing for the needs of others is, at times, overlooked. This can lead to the ESFJ feeling unappreciated and neglected. They can harbor uncomfortable feelings, which they then feel guilty and shameful about, and then they find themselves suffering from emotional denial.

If stress continues, the ESFJ will begin to feel dejected and despondent. A sense of gloom seems to be attached to their memories and the ESFJ fosters feelings of self-blame and guilt about certain past experiences. Always conscious of a sense of indebtedness, the ESFJ feels generally remorseful and may regret imagined woes. If stress becomes overwhelming, ESFJs will complain of their burdens, suspect dreadful things about their health, become critical of others who have "betrayed" them, and become generally melancholic. The ESFJ feels forsaken after all they have put up with and done for others. Their complaints immobilize so they are unable to nurture others or fulfill their demanding obligations.

Careers
This lists represent careers and jobs people of your type tend to enjoy doing. The job requirements are similar to the personality tendencies of your personality type. It is important to remember that this is not a list of all the jobs possible. And it is very important to remember that people can, and frequently do, fill jobs that are dissimilar to their personality... this happens all the time...and sometimes works out quite well.

nurse
social worker
caterer
flight attendant
bookkeeper
medical/dental assistant
exercise physiologist
elementary school teacher
minister/priest/rabbiretail owner (?)
officer manager
telemarketer
counselor
special education teacher
merchandise planner
credit counselor
athletic coach
insurance agent
sales representative
massage therapist
medical secretary
child care provider
bilingual education teacher
professional volunteer

Now. Even the quiz says I am emo -.-

2009-08-02T19:29:00.002+08:00

TAG REPLIES:

-yijie-: there are always people who dont like you:D no person could hv everyone liking them righthehe:) its okay luh why cant you fit it? i feel you fit in quite well you know:D and trust me i know the feelin
You make it sound like it's so easy to fit in. It's not that I DUNWAN to fit in. I CAN'T. Ok. I jus can't. You won't know unless you are me. How uneasy I feel whenever I am around people. I know you understand the feeling of not fitting in. But hey. Situation's different k? Not everything's the same. THanks though. I appreciate your effort(:

zann: your soul may b dead, but GOD CAN RESURRECT IT!!!!!!!love yah!!!! keep holding on...to life...to God...to everything!!!!!! u can stop pretending, i'll still b there; i'll still like u; i'll still b ur fren, i'll still hurt when u do...pls, stop killing urself...don't drift away...if u cant find a log,u can hold on 2 me,k?
I am so far away from Daddy-God now. Haix. I can't go to church anymore you know. Damn it. And yea. I am still sorta holding on. And thanks a lot Zann, Good daughter(:

anon: valen; i think u misunderstood.i'm not staying away frm u,and im not avoiding u either.i may not b trying 2 pull u out;but i'll always b there 2 try n keep u afloat.i rlly wanna save u;but im 2 weak.. im sry.btw:hinthint,my name starts with s.
No. I know what you mean. But well. Nvm. Erm. If you are who I tink you are, Damn cute ah you. Erm. Are you my hamster? xD Lolx.

Well, it's coming to an end of the weekends and tmr's monsterous monday with its 6 lessons and 1 com lesson again. *faints*

Weekend was eventful. And my muscles all hurt now thanks to Swim Marathon ytd.

I almost drown ytd. So cool rites. Lol. Wanted to seriously ignore and let go. But well, somehow, I lived.

Some girl in front of me decided to kick my goggles away from my eyes and all the water rushed in and I couldn't see and I started to jus kill myself. Went to the wrong lane also. Wow. I could have died man. SO COOL RITE -.-

Swam lik 60 laps only. Gagagaga. Regretted not going on and swimming 100 :(

ANyways, I haven finish homework so byebye. I go chiong first.

2009-07-31T22:20:00.003+08:00

TAG REPLIES:

Chrystal: (blah blahblah)
Haix. Thanks arh Chryst. But well, I jus dunno where I am anymore. Remember you said numb was a horrible feeling? I think, maybe. Perhaps. I am experiencing it now. Death well, I will never have the guts to it. All talk no actions. Haix. So no need worry. I jus need to break out of here. I will keep holding I guess(:

chelsea: hm...if you flunked then i...er...practically (wanything that's worse that flunking) yah. oh and dun worry lahs. there's still hope ICAS! omg hope it can save me. >< yah valen. i need you to run w/me!!!! srsly, or else i'll fail. yah i need to keep pace w/someone i'll hug you tmr i PROMISE. i'll still give if to you if you still need it yah... A HUG A DAY CHASES THE GLOOMINESS AWAY A JOKE A DAY KEEPS THE EMO-NESS AWAY. so i guess you need both.
Haix. Dun remind me of that horrible subject anymore. I hate it. I suck at ICAS. So yea. I guess it says a lot already. Run can. P.E. lors. And well, you alr FORCED IT UPON ME. Lol.

chelsea: tagged! it's the spammorama season now.. if you read your tags. you'll realise how much ppl CARE for you(as if you didnt already realise) but keep hanging on cause the valencia we wanna see isnt like this. the valencia i know was jolly, happy, high, confidant, have loads of charisma. where has she gone? BRING HER BACK cause she's on popular demand.^^ and when i mean popular, i mean POPULAR. hahahahahahahahhahaha. the disease is back again. spammorama-ness!
Yea. I can tell. Lik. I dio spam lik nobody's business. Esp by the famous blue colour shirt de football team xD and I know ppl care. THe old Valencia has been buried in for too long and is dead already. She has been buried ever since 2006 and everyday, every month, more of her is buried and now, she's dead alr.

!Shiying: Cheer ups!(: SMILE!
(: For you de. Specially for you leh. Must feel honoured leh.

!Shiying: HELLO=] Long tym no see ah
JOKE. Haha. You rlly random hor. TOo bored ritex.

anon: im not trying to save you;not trying 2 pull you out of the quicksand.I'm sorry.All of us are weak;only God can pull you out;but he can only do it if you choose to trust in him...but will you? do you know who i am?Don't give up on yourself...
Hey. Thanks for reminding me. And it's ok. It's good you aren't getting close to me. I appreciate it. You're helping me. And I would rlly appreciate it if you leave your name. I dun wanna bother guessing or whatever.

zann: theres so much i wanna tell u...but...sorry.i just don't know what to tell you;face to face...chill...KEEP HOLDING ON love ya!!! breathe in;breathe out;breathe in; breathe out. and fyi, you're not influencing me. i'm just trying to show you that when you hurt,the ppl that care 4 u hurt too...plus i just lost *ahem*.a certain object.nvms.can buy again lah.
It's ok dear. I jus wanna thank you a lot ah. For always trying & trying to help me. Thanks. And I know what you wanna say de. Haix. Hurt or no hurt. I am jus dead now. No more feelings le.

chelsea: you know what, the form turned out to be in my bag luh. past dateline liao. so cant haha(okay, this is so not the right time to say this but...)the last sentence in your latest post was so funny la. feelin kinda sad cause i've been lookking forward to joiniing the psb. but i know it's nothing compared to the pain that you're going through right now. jiayou okay.
Lol. See lah. I am correct ok. You are a sotong. Nvm de lah. If things were to happen, it will happen lor. Next time be more careful bah. And yea. I guess I will still hold on.

-yijie-: eeyer you where got nvr fit, you fit rlly well okayy:) <3 and well practically everyone likes you!:)
Liking me and fitting in is very different you know. And you won't know better. It's really a horrible feeling to be like this. Trust me ok. I know what I am in better than you and I jus dun fit lah. And there are still people who dun lik me. So whatever.

!Shiying: Hey, cheer ups alrights!(: Things will get btr(: GOD will help you!(:
Wah. *shocks* is that my darling who said that? Lol. Things will get better anot I dunno lor. Hope it will bah and yea. God will pull me through it but now, prob is I am not willing to cooperate with my Daddy-in-Heaven. So he can't really help when I dun wanna let him. Sad rite. I tink he's very sad. Sorry Daddy :(

YAYE. Let's all say yay. I finished replying tags le.

Life's a screw up. Well. I guess not. It's not life that's screwing up. It's me.

Why am I screwing up you may ask. Well, jus see my attitude. Jus see my behaviour. Jus see ME. My attitude is so heck care. So shitty. So screwed. My hardworking attitude in term 1 & 2 is all gone.

I dun even bother doing homework now. If you see me in school in the morning, almost every day, I will be there doing homework. How pathtic is that. I copy work from others too. I never ever do that in Term 1 & 2.

I never allowed myself to do that. What about now?

My behaviour. Pttf. Whole day in school stone, emo, show black/long face. Always lik PMS liddat. And than, I can go smile & laugh lik nobody's business when one moment before I was on the verge of crying.

Niceone ritex. Niceone Valencia, you screwup.

I practically float about school every recess. Every after school. Lik this souless body with no aim, no direction, no goal. Jus going with the current of the wind.

DUn ask me what happened to me. Cuz the explanation's right here.

Ever since, the first major hurt I got. 2006. I have started burying part of myself away. Part by part. Digging and digging a hole tat's deeper and deeper. EVen when I was in P5. I remember very clearly that particular day.

It was choosing of events for nationals and I jus didn't want 200m like crazy and she got pissed. After a lot of things, i remember this one line she said,"Where is the Valencia I know? The Valencia I knew was enthusiastic, willing to accpet challenges and always positive. Where is she?"

Of course the convo continued somewhere else but well, after that, she did say again," I believe that the old valencia is jus somewhere buried in you. YOu just have to make an effort to let it out."

I could, Miss Lee. I could. Now it's all too late.

In the past, I still smiled, I still laughed. I could still feel things. NOw, No way.

So anw, ever since then, buried buried buried. With every 'trauma', problem, situation, blahblah, i buried her deeper and deeper. She was so strong. She was a rlly strong girl. But now, she has finally gave way and breathed her last.

So dun expect her back anymore. I killed her already. Aww. BooHoo. So sorry.

Since her soul is gone. NOw I am trying to destroy her body & mind. I am halfway through her mind and alr started on her body. Very soon she will be totally gone. She shall vanish from the face of this Earth.

Easily.

I am seriously alr half gone. And I dunno if I wanna stay or not. I have something called split personality and I am always contemplating with myself. To do or not to do. To say or not to say. TO think or not to think. To die or not to die.

If I really ignore the positive one. And head the negative one. I tink, I will have to bid goodbye to the world alr. Maybe join Father Daddy in Heaven or go to hell for killing myself. Idk. I so conveniently forgot all the BS sessions Zi gave me.

Aren't I such a good little Daddy's girl. Never better eh?

Yea. I backslided alr. Lik crap lors. Or maybe, all along, I was just "pretending to be a Christian when I actually aren't at all" Perhaps.

I feel very faint. Very tired, very worn out. I feel as though everyhting's so far from me. I keep trying to run towards the only escape I have but it's a nightmare unfolding before my eyes. THe more I run, the further it gets.

Stretching and reaching out, trying to catch it, I seem like an idiot.

I am like on the edge of the cliff, tired of holding onto this thin rough branch that I have torn oh so badly. I hav sratched my arms against the coarse rocks, and brusied them clinging so tight, not wanting to fall.

Now, I jus wanna let go. My hands no longer feel anymore cuz they are numb but I am really very tired. Too too tired. And I would let go.

While some people let go, they will not die as people have prepared nets or whatever for them. SO they won't die. Or somebody will suddenly reach out and offer a hand, offering to deliver that person to safety.

FOr me, none of those will ever happen. First of all, I have built a wall around that area. No one can get in. Second, no one is there in the first place to even try and break the wall.

I am a loner remember? If I were to be missing from the world for 3 days, who would notice anyways. Ignore fam. Friends. Would you know?

I feel so 'hopeful' bout everything that I am turning this disappointment bout myself to that for others. What a suckass.

Valencia. wake up. The people around you aren't the ones responsible for your position. YOU ARE. So pls. Face up to it. And stop pushing the blame to everyone you lay your eyes on.

Your attitude disgusts me and if I had a choice, I would nevr wanna get close to you.

SO PISS OFF. And get out of theirlives alr.

i'm rlly tired. rlly tired...

2009-07-30T21:15:00.002+08:00

I dunno what today was. I was jus so fake. So damndamn fake.

Like, act to be pro here, act to be happy there. Damn it. I really hate it.

And really, the day ended off so damn well.

I jus wana say this(although i tink you dun read my blog) thanks a lot jerk. You taught me something new today and I will really really trust people more now. THANKS TO YOU. Thanks alot you jerk.

I dunno what's gotten into me nowadays since I really can't even feel happiness anymore. Lik when i smile or laugh, everything's so fake. I'm just acting. I dun feel happy on the inside. So?

I dunno what to do anymore. I am just a total failure at everything in life now. I can't even manage myself properly anyways. How can I manage other things that are happening? This is total ridiculous shit.

Lik maybe its depression. Why not. I am so damn paranoid, so damn upset every single day of the freaking week. Hmph. Why not.

Lik, I really feel lik jus jumping out onto the road when the cars' coming and kill myself or jump off some building. Or eat like 20 panadols since 10 will jus put you in a deep sleep. I wanna really just die.

Lik hey, P5, P6 emo. Yea. So? I still felt happy. I still felt something. I didn't exactly feel like this. What's wrong with me. Everything. Yea. Everything's wrong.

And if you are sensitive enough, you will realise. I dun fit in anywhere at all. Come on. One day, come and see and you will realise what a lonely person I am. Lik, cliques or whatever, go&die lors. Cliques? To hell with it man.

Let me tell you a fun fact bout me. In RV, Onejay rite now. I dun belong anywhere at all. Vaness & YiLin there, duh no rites. Darlingz, forget it. I really give up alr. Yj you all, i jus DUN FIT. I JUS DUN.

I am jus like HW those kind jus always a loner, tagging behind people. TRYING the best to fit in but now, I realise alr. I will never fit in, no matter how hard I try.

WHo wants to be with someone who emo-s day & nite, who speaks of totally ridiculous crap all the time?

Let me tell you. I am tired of trying to be good at everything, trying to be above all, trying to stand out, trying to reach expectations, trying not to ruin people's lives, whatever it is. I am tired of trying and I am tired of being hurt again & again.

I jus wanna die now. Really wanna jus leave this hell hole.

oh freak everything lah. i really give up already. Schoolwork, GPA, friends, family, love... WHATEVER. I give up. Die? So be it.

* the random topics of this post are due to brain disorder*

2009-07-29T21:41:00.002+08:00

After all these while, after so long. I've just realised. That everything I do is jus to destroy people's lives, ruin them, influence them to do rubbish, corrupt their minds with ridiculous crap, stab their hearts with my tactless words and kill them with my heartless feelings.

I'm sorry people. But now, access to Valencia is strictly denied(it sounds kinda wrong but whatever).

She has been classified, dangerous, unreasonable, crazy, unstable, mentally unwell, signs of emotional breakdown, brain disorder & will kill you if you get to close.

So you know what. Everyone, keep away from me. I am tired of hurting so many people, influencing so many people, corrupting so many people and destroying so many people. I've had enough of myself.

So pls help me by keeping away from me.

Just leave me alone to die. Leave me to freeze. Stop trying to help. Cuz you know what. You won't be able to save me. I will just drag you in on the 'fun'.

(This will seem very familiar to one person but nvm) I am like in quicksand and you know what, stop trying to save me by pulling me out. You ain't gonna do that. You will just eventually lose control, fall in and kill yourself as well.

I am already in my black hole and stop coming near me so that I suck you into eternal darkness, coldness & loneness.

Do you tink it's fun for me being in this position? To hurt people with everything you do, every word you say? To be a disappointment to people when they have such high expectations of you? Do keep failing what is impossible to fail? To feel so numb, you dunno what happiness is anymore?

No. I dun like it and I hate it. But because i know how I am, naturally stubborn, there's NOTHING you can do to make me get out of here(that's why CHAMPS sucks nowadays. It all applies to me). NOTHING. And I dun wanna as a result fo your love and concern for me, fall into this bottomless pit and fall till forever until when you die.

One person gone is better than everyone gone. So jus go away. Take it that I'm begging you or whatever. Go far far away from me and I will keep my distance as well.

It will be a great help

2009-07-29T18:08:00.002+08:00

Haix. I am really disappointed with myself in many many many areas and I have to say

SORRY YIJIE. I hope you know why. Bu I am really really sorry. I am a disappointment to you I guess. I have always been like this. Jus spurting things off. Oh damn it. If you dun forgive me, I dun mind. I know how I am. I am sorry.

I am sorry world. Due to my recent experiences, the words I spout are seriously not to be paid attention to. Like this morning, I was just spouting crap. haix.

Today was horrible. Morning was. really freaking crap. Really have to thank YiJie, Chelsea, YuNing, YueYin, Joanne & whoever was there(I dunno who else).

Thanks a lot ok.

I was really cui. Haix. But to all the people thanks. The whole day was crappy. Champs was horrible. To the person who suggested BGR, thanks alot arh.

Lik, haix. Whatever. Phototaking with Cross was weird cuz I was lik standing with all the seniors. Lol. Then Kelly & MeiHui uber funny. Cuz they say what, they wait 2 years for those tall tall seniors to graduate and then one year 1 pop up to be taller than them. Lol!

Picture was like weird and all lah. Formal is ok lah. But the rest is all CUI~!

Lik, we were a total mess. LOLx.

But I was like emo-ing all the way after and before.

Haiya. I not in the mood lah. Whatever. Today is jus a horrible day. Whatever. Byes.

2009-07-28T20:31:00.002+08:00

I flunked Physics like crap. Ok. Not fail. If I failed, I would be like in the hospital for over-bleeding alr.

But I am really very upset with my FANTASTIC marks. Wth. Throughout the going through, didn't know what the hell she was talking about also. Jus totally stoned and dunno do what.

I flunked my best subject. What crap is this.

This few days, weeks, whatever. It has been really bad. Lik, I am so lifeless. Jus this floating soul. Going nowhere. Fucking up every aspect of life.

I've lost hope. Lost life. Lost everything. I dun lik how I am now. But whatever. I am jus tired of everything.

2009-07-27T22:46:00.002+08:00

Haix. Today my mood was like on a roller coster. It ju went up & down lik nobody's business. Lols...

Morning in the bus read finish 'GONE'. The ending doesn't satify me and I have to wait til next year for the sequeal. Bleh. So long. Emo-ed on the bus. I was like just staring into thin air when suddenly when eyes like veh pain and the teas started forming. Immediatey closed my eyes and squeezed them shut. Dunno what happen lah.

Have to thanks YeeChing for giving me the sweet. haah. Kinda funny. Go class, then I wanted to listen to music and like emo the whole morning off but hen ended up have to chiong the science project. So yadayada.

Chinese was idk what crap. Miss Yu pms then go scold ppl here&there. Then say what the girls fringe not ok -.- Freak lahs. Mr Xiong & Mrs Yap also never say anything bout mine rite. Then she say we have to clip it up. Damn. No way.

Science was horrible rubbish. Lik, I felt really cold for dunno what reason and then although I kept laughing with everyone else, I was really feeling horrible and miserable inside. And i didn't teach at al lors. Not in the mood.

I just laughed along when others laughed and it's lik, there were a couple of times when I laugh and laugh and suddenly tears started forming and I wanted to cry out. Itwas really horrible.

Recess was weird. Lang Arts test is sure flunk lah. Haix. i dun wan bother getting my hopes up and then killing myself over not achieving them. Maths was Idk. Easier but, I tink I will still flunk la. Lik whatever.

After the 2 tests, went for com lessons and was so bored. went Plurk and blahblah. Miss Toh said that we are gonna learn flash le. Omg lah. I really hate flash. It's so damn boring and FOC.

Anws. After com was geog with all the presentations and I was drawing. Lol..

History was ok. Jus blindly copying and then lesson ended, day ended, yay. Home. Took 166 with Viviantay dear, ShiYing darl, Chelsea Daughter, JiaLing & QinPing.

Then they bought stuff there and I didn't buy in the end. Lol. Went home with viviantay dear and then reach home le jiu emoemoemo. Haix. Go die lahs.

Then slack lik crazy, slept, woke up, bathed, ate and yea. blogging and stuff since 8++. I feel lik going to sleep again now. My attitude is so damn different. I can't believe it's so heck care now. Freak man. I hate this.

Today is really not my day. In fact, everyday isn't. Haix.

2009-07-27T22:32:00.002+08:00

Ohhh ohhhh
Ohhhhh ohhh
Ohhhhh yeaa

Listen
I'd be a liar if I told you
That I didn't see it coming
Be more of a liar if I said
Hey I didn't want it to be something
You deserve much better
For the love that you have shared
I know you won't believe it
But girl I swear
That I got love for you
Big love for you
Even when I'm tripping
The fact remains that
You will always be my baby
My baby

But take the truth
Baby take the truth
I can't hide my feelings
Especially when the whole world can see

That my heart is in two different places
I got you in my life and I wanna do right
But it's hard to let it go
When my love has two different faces
And I can't break ties cause they both look right
Someone tell me what's a man to do
When he's loving two
And he don't wanna lie
But he can't tell the truth

What's a man to do
When he's loving two
But he can't keep his heart
In two different places
In two different places

I know you feel it cause you stay
There is much more to this story
But I'd be a fool to say
I trust her and I'm always gonna love her
You know that you don't wanna hear

I been living on the edge baby
So I guess yea baby
She ain't nothing but she is real
But why take her through it
When I still got love for you
Big love for you
Even when I'm tripping
The fact remains that
You will always be my baby
My baby

But take the truth
Baby take the truth
I can't hide my feelings
Especially when the whole world can see

That my heart is in two different places
I got you in my life and I wanna do right
But it's hard to let it go
When my love has two different faces
And I can't break ties cause they both look right
Someone tell me what's a man to do
When he's loving two
And he don't wanna lie
But he can't tell the truth

What's a man to do
When he's loving two
But he can't keep his heart
In two different places
Not in two different places

I wanna tell you it's over
That I ain't thinking of her
I wanna really mean it
That I want you to see it
That I'm really trying to leave her behind
And I'm trying not to make you cry
I wanna tell you that I ain't playing games and I'm dedicated to receive a change
But when I look in the mirror
It's the same old me

That my heart is in two different places
I got you in my life and I wanna do right
But it's hard to let it go
When my love has two different faces
And I can't break ties cause they both look right
Someone tell me what's a man to do
When he's loving two
And he don't wanna lie
But he can't tell the truth

What's a man to do
When he's loving two
But he can't keep his heart
In two different places
Not in two different places
Not in two different places

What's a Man to do - Usher.
Blue = what I wish he would say Green = what I say Purple = what he says

Seriously, If you felt this way, I guess maybe everything would be so much better. I wish you still loved me. But I guess it has all drained away. I wish I had done something before it was too late but now, it is already too late.

I lost you and you are never gonna come back. But You really must know. I really really stil love you and everyday I am jus listening to tihs son and wishing that you will feel this way. I won't mind. I dun tink I will. I dun care if you have hurt me before. My main point is, I just want you back.

I wish you at least still had feelings for me. But I guess you really plugged out the wires and deleted everything. I am sorry for being a buren then in the past month. I guess I must have made you feel uneasy.

But well, it's all better now ain't it? You are free. You aren't in my 'clutches' anymore. Go on. Be free. And go after what you want, I encourage that. Be happy and I think, I will be happy for you. Go and chase after her. Move her like how you moved me. She'll like you. Yea she will. Dun give up.

Cuz if you're happy, then I guess I'll be too.

2009-07-27T21:15:00.002+08:00

You know, it's rel irritating cuz i really wanna reply my tags and express my 'HEARTFELT GRATITUDE' to those who have tagged me but i can't thanks to chelsea's spammage like all the way. I should like ignore her tags lah. HAHA xD

*I'm gonna take an hour to reply tags so I shall eat my nuggets first xD HOHO*

TAG REPLIES

Chrystal: i'll be your sun, have always wanted and tried to be but this sun doesn't seem too approachable, you never approach me about anything at all. we could email each other, i mean we're just a click away. God is everyone's sun anyway (: if there's anything up just mail me, msn me, sms me wtv. you're in the orbit and you can't leave, i'll always be here even if you don't like it, i'll always be here
Yea Chryst, but well, you know me, I was somewhat like how you were last year and I am still very stubborn :X And yea, I know you won't leave me. Thanks a lot for all the stuff you have done for me Jie. Loveyah.

zann: why?because it has to happen sometime. or other. oh.and i agree wif Chrystal heys, btw in case u didnt notice, u said "cca"???ahem? love ya!!! *hugs* and i rlly meant wat i said b4 abt copying u. if u *ahem*, i'm going to. and i dun want to let history repeat itself. so pls dun. but i still will if u do.love ya AS A FREN. lols u cant rmb wad u said alrs. hahas lol nvr go training...feel so...bleah.
LOL! Haha. Ok lah. I am sorry lors. YOU DO KNOW THAT DADDY IS GETTING OLD RITE!! Haha. And I won't ever allow you to do it. 'History repeat itself' means you did before lahs. Haix. If I reallly do it, I will make sure you NEVER find out about it. HOHO. Anyways, dun worry. Your stamina will be as good!!

chelsea: siwai! really? what happened? anyway i think it's "no big deal" cause "everyone's having it" as said by the doctor. btw, he's OLD. haha. don't have to blame valencia. do you know that after the H1N1 period, at least about 40% of the nation's population would have gotten it? by that time, alot of us would have already developed a immunity to it. it's natural de. so no worries cause it's like a common thing now... really curious about what mr x said to you'all
You know, you jus tagged a whole lot of stuff, NOT MEANT FOR ME TO READ. NICEONEARH.

chelsea: valencia you must have confidence in yourself muahahahahhahhahaha. i'll be watching over you. your every move hahha that sounds wrong homework anyone? spamspam sry
You can't lah. And I won't allow you to watch me go to the toilet!! xD Haha. I still win lahs xD Homework -.- An I am glad you know you are wrong girl. Haix. SPAMMER.

!Shiying: ? wat thing wat thing? wat si wai toking about? i noe i very busybody la. but i'm juz being curious:D oh btw, cheer up alrights(: let history be history ba O.o i jus realised that u posted abotu tat barney song during admin tym i nur previous post
Haha. Yah lah. You tink I dunno meh. LOLs! Haha. Yea. I will try lor. Will always try de (: And history. Haix. I shall try my best for that. But my memory is jus good for this kinda useless crap. AND YESH HOHO. I POSTED BOUT BARNEY!! xD Lalalala.

-yijie-: zomg you tagbox so spammed:D antibiotics sucks!!! -horrormoment- how could you like it?!! weirdo:X jkjk:D and thankyous for friday valen!! ily so much tytyty! *scroll back you know le* ^^ xiexieni! idk lah but feel sort of bad reading the tags:( im mean><>
NICEONE. I dun even know where to start replying from. Gosh. I do realise that my tagboard is spammed and you did nothing much to help ok -.- LMAO lahs. And I jus prefer antibiotics to other meds. Haha. LOL. I didn't say I like it. I said I prefered it. And what I do on Friday sia? And yesh I know you love me.Scroll where? Read what? I am totally confused here. And dun suan me cans. I am lik almost sick le lahs. Haix. Maths is ok.. Audi is boring already lah. and thanks for the comment. I grew tired of the old font mah xD NO. I rather not have cheek cramps. Cuz pain de. Drinking water is good what ^^ Barney joke you dunno? Go ask ShiYing. Erm. No lor. When I emo go play, I will screw the game up and feel more emo. Sian. It's tests and they are over le-s. Haix. 4.0 is like freaking hell far le lahs T.T But you have brains. I dun. My brains are full of rubbish lahs. Haix. Sorry ended up never meet up. Weekends are NONO for me rmb? Yea. I changed all the title fonts. AND THANKS ALOT you make me reply so much.

viviantay: cheerup alright(:
Kk dear. you also ok. Loveyah. I will always do.

weiyang: valen dont emo liao k??? ah gong sad liaoz=((( dont emo....
Sorry ah Ahgong. I'm not a good grandaughter :(

chelsea: haha. valen, see? lots of ppl care for you la. flooding your tagboard and everything ^^ bu4 ting1 lao3 ren2 yan2 chi1 kui1 zai4 yan3 qian2. so... ultimately...(come everyone say it with me!) DUN EMO LIAO...hahaha oh so you want a hug? okay! ^^ tomorrow, you'll be sure to recieve it! ^^
Eh I tell you arh. I confirm kill you de. You tag so much -.- And yah lah yah lah. I know people love me^^ Lols. Eh. Since when you become LAO REN. I am your mother lehs HELLO! haha. In the end your hug went down the toilet bowl ritex xD

vaanneeesssaaa!: *shouting with chelsea* dont emo liao ! haha sorry dk what to say.
Haha. It's ok. Dun spam like the others. And thanks ah(: Hehe.

chelsea--vanessa: let's form a aniti-emo club!!!! whooo! hahahahahahahaha
Eh. ENough liao hor you. Naughty like crazy.

-yijie-: lol:D DONT EMO~i wont emo if ppl flood my tagbox^^ (go tag my blog!!!!) XD SMILE<3
I tink I am seriously irritated by the number of tags I have to reply thanks to people lik chelsea and you lahs.

viviantay: haha, yeah valen. cheer up la(: we're all here for you!
YEA! You too ok! ShiYing & I and I dunno who else lah, WE ARE ALL HERE TO STAND BY YOU AND SUPPORT YOU!! Jiayous tgt! :D

chelsea: wondering why the posting failed juz now hey, it works now! whoooooooooooooooo....! hahahahaah oh ya, i wanted to say: valencia has stop emoing cause i told her to. haha...thankyouthankyou *claps hands* w8, no that's not what i wanted to say...forget it. i'm just bored...haish spam spam spam spammed! shucks! didnt give valen a hug today.
Eh. You spam hou4 le4 mei2 you3. My tagboard is full of your name you know!! And -.- you lik to act pro only lahs. How you know I never emo? LALALA. And yea. Your hug went down the toilet bowl~!

!Shiying: WOOLALA~
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN!!

bernice!: VALENCIAAAAAAAAAAAAA! : ( Cannot emo laaaarh! ): Cheerup , there'll always be people there for you . Sometimes i feel like you do, you dont know who to trust, you're scared . But light will shine through . How bad can things get? : ) CHEER UP <33333>
Haha. Thanks Bern!! :D I said what I wanted on Msn (i guess, I tink, I HOPE. No. I didn't) Yea. I know got people with their candles waiting at the door. Haha xD But thanks ar(:

I FINISHED!! OMGOMG!! I officially dun lik chelsea cuz she spams me lik crazy HMPH. Naughty lahhs. And I counted you know. I have lik 59 tags. And 2 are from Chryst Jie, 4 from Zann, 2 from Bern, 1 from Vaness, 2 from Viviantay deardear, 4 from Shiying, 1 from weiyang ahgong, 11 from yijie ANDANDANDAND 32 from chelsea!!

WTH. Thanks arh people. Gosh. My eyes are now all seeing lines man. Gagaga. And I have to make another post in order to post. Thanks people. ESP CHELSEA xD

Will you?

2009-07-24T21:57:00.004+08:00

I am really bored now and I am being reminded of this jerk who conveniently snatched my heart from me, shred it into a thousand and one pieces. Or breaking it like it wasn't mine.

Haix.

No matter how much you try to mend something that's broken, there will always be a crackline - thin or thick, it's still there). And I wonder. How many lines does mine have? Thousands of them I guess.

Well. I dunno. Now, yea I still feel like I am the one in wrong, that I am not good enough, but hey, I feel betrayed. Because for all the promises you've made me, the words you used to assure me, now, it's just like the fallen leaves of an autumn tree.

I guess the higher the hopes, the greater the fall. And I guess I am just being too hopeful about everything. I always believe, hope, dream & now, the naive little girl had finally grown up.

She ain't hopeful bout anything anymore. She ain't dreaming bout her wonderful life anymore. She ain't believing that things will get better now. Cuz all of these naive-d thoughts should have been carried along and died together with her old self.

Nowadays, I jus dun feel the assurance anymore. People say, " Dun worry, things will be alright"

I really ain't convinced. How is it gonna be alright? Will it really be alright?

I feel so lost, and light. I feel like a wandering lost soul, floating with the wind, not knowing where I am heading. I am scared. And I want to have somewhere called home, but somehow, as I drift around, I feel like it's all getting further and further away from me.

All the smiles, the laughters, the hyped up personality, it just seems to be so foreign to me. Oh what's happening?

I dun like my current status and I will admit that. It's lonely, miserable, cold and cruel. Haix. I dun even know what I am saying now but. I am really lost & confused.

Like, I dun even know if I am acting to be happy or emo. The moment I am around people, thos of which I am close, my class, I don't show obvious signs of unhappiness. When I am with people like all the various cliques, all the different people, I do not even need to put in effort to pretend, it just happens.

My mind, heart and soul is just so routinised to it already. Is it supposed to be as such?

Who am I really? I constantly accuse others of not understanding me, knowing me, how well do I know myself than? Do I really comprehend more than them?

Why do people have to come and crash my dreams and pop my bubbles? Why can't aI be a little naive girl, unknown of the dangers of this cruel word, unafraid of what lies ahead, rid of all uncertainty with just a word of encouragement from someone. Why not?

Now, when someone assures me, I grow in doubt. My days are led in uncertainty, fear and confusion. I don't dare dream for fear of it being crushed. I don't dare come forward for fear of what lies ahead. I don't dare make mistakes as each mistake seems like a deadly fault that would just cut off people from me.

The girl who was brave, to always take the first step, to speak out for what's wrong, to do what's right, to never hide anything, has now become one who encloses everything within her. Locking herself from the world, waiting in her cold dark room, as darkness envelopes her and her fears getting increasing powerful.

Her courage, where has it gone? Her boldness, where has it gone? Everything has forsaken her and all that is left is the dark, the cold, the lonely miserable feelings.

She is so afraid of making mistakes, she is so afraid of being humiliated. She is so overprotective, so over sensitive, so over paranoid, everything to her is not buld to last. Relationships were destroyed at her very hands. Every fault I commit seems to pull me further away from the warmth people get.

Being away for far too long, far too far, I am the verge of freezing in that cold dark room. There's no one there to protect me, to assure me, to give me warmth. I am all alone, all cold. I wan a hug oh so badly, i wanna feel warmth from people oh so badly. I wanna feel love so so badly..

I need people to break down the door to this room filled with fears. Don't just stand outside, try to peer in, wandering what's wrong, and jus never doing anything. Break down that door, get me out, hug me, love me, give me warmth, show me light.

I am giving a distress call right now. Because I am letting myself go and I dun wanna leave this world yet. There are still so many things I haven experienced, so many places I haven been to, so many people I haven met.

I wanna hold on so tightly, in fact, my hands are bruised from the tighness of my grip. For fear that if i let go, I would fall into enternal darkness and never be able to get out.

Fear of the unknown engulfs me everyday. I dunno what's going to happen the next day, of the one after. I never do and I wanna know. I wanna see. But with no light, there ain't anything. Today, I post this question, will you be my sun?

Will you be my sun to shower me with warmth & light, To contantly give me love, to tell me that I am gonna hold on, to be my source of life, to be the one who cares enough to break down the door?

Will you be the one?

2009-07-24T17:14:00.002+08:00

I'm like seriously uber bored and have been in a bad mood ever since dunno when. Argh sian.

Today was erm Idk. I went back SAPS today and haix. Emo lahs. Miss Thio says my pinafore is shorter le. Then I have to buy bigger one. OMG. I already wearing 'L' lehs. And it's pretty big ok. Haix. Stupeed tall-y.

Maths was funny lah. I told HaoLong some rubbish. haha. Very funny though. But well, it's just a wild guess. Cuz of recent events, I link it there. Yea. I told Koala Bear and she went to tell JiaLe and she conveniently told everyone at the table. -.- NICE ONE JIALE.

(it's 1D de jiale)

CID was LMAO. haha. Made soap and funny lah. My group's name is CHEM TEDDY. Then the soap I found this bear shaped mold. It totally cracked me up lahs. Xiongxiong~! xD (I hope he isn't free these days xD)

Chinese was funny thanks to JunMing but I abit black face lah. Not in good mood. Then I lost my ruler. The one I jus bought. Pissed lah. Freak. Now I demand that someone buy me one. haha

Day was sian, emo, full of fake laughs and I dunno what rubbish. Haix. i am hungry now. Cuz fasted. Hmmm. 40 more mins. Countdown. Lols.

---------------------

I wanted to go up. I seriously wanted to. I jus stood there and stared at the building, hoping you will pop out or smth. I ain't over it yet. It's pretty obvious. And I can't believed it happened anyways. All you did is jus add another layer to the already unbreakable wall around my heart.

And I thought about another person too. I wonder how this person really is. I jus feel so cut off from the world. It's just another cold & cruel world.

Oh forget it. I'm gonna go sleep. Shoo all the bad thoughs away. Haix. Whatevers lah. I am just different already.

2009-07-23T19:11:00.004+08:00

Ok. I shall reply the longlonglong ago tags. I am bored. Lol..

chelsea: hey, i know i may not be rlly sensitive and all that but you can talk to me cause one moment i remember, the next second, i'll forget everything so yah. pretty convinient if you feel like spilling. cliques may be screwed, liife may be the same, but god isn't. casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you.( 1 peter 5:7)ya, give hime all your troubles and let him care for you. ^^
Erm. You forget bout those impt stuff than this kind is you will not forget de lor -.- HAHA. Yea. Thanks ar. But really, life is screwed. haix.

Steph: I DON CARE IF UR AN EXTREMELY STUBBORN IDIOTIC MORON THAT CAN'T EXPRESS YOURSELF AND IS VERY OBSTINATE. you're still my best lesbo =D cheerup la ok.my classroom just oppo yours. got anything just comeover. =D you can come over everyday. I SHALL SAVE DA DAY!
OMG. Thanks Lesbo. Loveyou alot alot. Dun wanna trouble you lah(: Haha. Dun make me repeat all that I've said before arh. But thanks alot man. OMG loveyou<333333 ^^

yijieXD: haha cheerups! i'll be there for you alrights! nomatterwhat!
Haha. Thanks ah(:

CANDIS (:: LAX ;D I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU OKAY <3
Thanks arh Mei(: Loves(:

chelsea: yup i so totally second that!
WHICH???

!Shiying: lalala
LOL. RANDOM NIA.

chelsea: lalalalalalalalalaallalalal. mary HAD a little lamb...randomness
-.- Another one. LOL!

yijieXD: oo what happen on plurk? isit me? zomg? *freakedout* um maybe you can avoid plurk? or you delete the person off?
Erm avoid PLURK? No lah. I dun wan delete also. You must know, my mind might say one thing, but my heart says another. So yea.. Haix.

!Shiying: obviously it's nt u ;urhs. oh anw, cheer up alrights=) Time heals all wounds=) MUACKS! JYJY for upcoming tests=]
Haha. You are smart le-s xD Thanks ah darl for encouraging(: Jiayou also!

bryan: hi.. tagged.. link me! ^_^
HAHA. Hello didi^^

zann: heys:Di dunno abt ur life being screwed but i srsly dun think ur friendships are "all screwed"...(or am i not ur fren???*sobs* jkjkjk )oh.n stop doing stupid things.or else.i shall imitate u-.-"
No lah. I never mention cross country de friendships if you realise. And you are a great friend lah. And DUN YOU DARE COPY ME. If you do, I will kill you. No. Wait. I will kill myself (in other words, do twice of what you have did on myself >: )

!Shiying: WOOHOO~~~ i finally noe hw to open the locker!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAA
LOL! You do realise it has been lik 7 months already rite!! You finally know leh. OMG. Hahahaha. But YiJie's locker only i know how to open. HOHO. LALALALA.

Ok. Finish tag replies le. Erm. Today's mood was. Horrible. Haix. I shall do daily post bah. I miss it lah. Lol.

Erm well. Took 97 today. Slept on the bus. Mood wasn't good since morning. Than have to thank Maxine for teaching me Physics. Thanks alot arh sotong^^

Then admin time was funny. Barney~! Haha. ONEJAY joke lahs(:

Then malay. I almost slept lahs. Was so freaking tired and bored.

P.E. is also emo for me. Haix. Whatever lahs. Emoemoemoemoemo. Whateverrr. Than recess chatchatchat and then maths, then speech & drama damn nice. Lol. After that, Mr Chow was a joke lah xD

Got 2 GIRLS ask him lah,"Mr Chow, can we go to the toilet?"

"Oh ok. I also want to go. Let's go together."

LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAO!! Veh funny. QinPing & I had a damn good laugh over it lahs.

Chinese was crazy for me. I was really in a bad mood. Then rite, was worrying bout stupeed Physics then thinkin bout some stuff also.

Physics lesson sucked. Cuz used for test. Than freak lahs. I really freaking hell flunk it already lah. And science is my best subject. Wth. This really sucks like shit. When I saw the first question I already stuns liao.

Than thoughout the test, I was so freaking stressed I almost cried lahs. I was really there like staring BLANKLY at the paper and freaking out wanting to run out of the classroom & go to the toilet to flood it. I really really stressed.

Then after the test, I was really like wanna cry already then I faster go out of class to go down. When I changing that time, really nuts liao.

Badminton was with Tan & Quek and it's crazy shit. Imagine playing with such experienced people. My arm broke alr.

Haix. I was so sad. Then go home time emo becuse of smth else. Than go meet Zi at West Mall eat subway. After that go buy shirt with her then in the end never. Go home and than blahblah lahs. Haix. Today is really a freaking rubbish day.

I really really need to do well for Physics. Oh crap.

2009-07-22T23:11:00.002+08:00

Ok. I know my blog is pretty much dead. But well, ytd I wanted to post but realised that I will be posting bout the same thing over & over again anyways, so decided not to. But today is a break from mugging. Oh gosh. My brains are gonna explode from overloading of Physics information :X

Anyways, I would say today is really a day which I thought a lot lor. Lik really. Esp CHAMPS. I mean. Emo lahs. But I really thought a lot and got pretty emo the whole day.

Pet food drive was FUUUUNNN. Haha. Skipped recess though. Lol. Erm. Highlights of the day is actually the Pet Food collection, CHAMPS & vivo with prizes group. Haha :D

Pet Food collection and judging was OMG FUN! Haha. But MingHui and I had to sacrifice our recess in order to present find out who gave the hampers. Argh sian. Cuz those people never label -.-

But it was quite fun. Go here and there and everywhere. LOL!

Skip all the lessons, CHAMPS was well. Haix. A lot of memories & I emo-ed alot.

It started with Little Prince and I was the one who kept giving comments and answers cuz well, I know the topic all too well. Come on. I was talking about myself practically like 9/10 of the time?

"People who keep doing the same things but expect different results"

Then when Mr Xiong ask for how to help rite, I go start by saying, NO WAY TO HELP. Unless they change their mainset WHICH IS 100% TRUE!!

Take me as an example. Go and ask all the SAPS teachers jiu can le. I think i irritate them a lot lahs.

Anyways. Then Mr Xiong lik say what,"But if the person is your very closed friend, your loved one, will you do nothing and jus stand by and watch?"

NO MR XIONG. Here's your answer ok. I went through all of that before. My 'best' friend was falling down into the greatest pithole of her life THANKS TO ME and I couldn't do anything about it because we were just both as stubborn and seriously, there was nothing I could have done for her or vice versa. Cuz we didn't wanna even accept the help.

MR XIONG. I am speaking from experience here. So stop making me sound like some heartless creep who can leave my friend/loved one there without doing anything. I tried and NOTHING WORKS OK.

Anyways, that was all that I was thinking lah. then he go say addictions all those and I thought about myself also lahs. My addiction was like the worse one ever. Hmph. So I know myself rite.

Then he go share his personal stuff with ONEJAY and like wth lahs. Whatever he said rite, I have all experienced before lor. So its like. I jus kept linking my situation then got veryvery emo. Oh I do stomp out of classes. Erm. ONEJAY I did before ritex. Idk. But I know that time while talking to Lesbo and Bestie I did that.

SO yea. Whatever he experienced, I also got experience before. And then some people reflected that they felt like crying lah because what he said was so touching. But to me, I am used to the kind of self reflection Mr Xiong does. So instead of wanting to cry because what he said was touching, I wanted to cry cuz all the bloody memories kept coming back and hitting me right in the face.

I thought of a lot of things I have not thought about for some time already. Cuz I was busy concentrating on some asshole of a problem. So ya lah. CHAMPS was really back down in memory lane lahs.

Then after school we go Vivo, mood was better. It was really fun buying all the stuff and eating together. haha.

Lol. But highlight was still CHAMPS lah. I dun really like champs today lah. But well, memories. Haix. I thought all bout SAPS in the past 2 years. P4 year end till now. I thought about the entire time frame. Lots of stuff lah.

Haix.

Anyways, what I have thought is already 100% confirm true thanks to my kor who went to check for me and well. There's really nothing I can do. I hate it. I hate it.

Whatever. I am always the one anyways. Forget it. I accept how life is nice to me by doing this to me all the time. Whatever. I am free now but burdened with bags of rubbish. Haix. Whatever.

Ok. I let out all that I wanted to say already. So now it's back to mugging. Byes.

2009-07-20T18:15:00.002+08:00

Monday blue's. Pttf. Talk out it man. Today is crapshit.

Oh. Dun tell me bout how nice my previous post was. Fuck that, screw that.

Maybe it's what is called mood swing. But whatever. I was really in a bad mood. I went home on my own, purposely take 61 cuz I know no one will take. Go west mall saw Shannon.

Then saw Venice, Bryan, Deng Hang, Hui Xin. But SO WHAT. I felt like shit the entire time I was there with Pig & chewchew.

I jus kept hoping and hoping and hoping but bloody hell. Nothing will ever happen.

I came home and had to go on Plurk and had to see this person on my timeline. DAMN IT. WHY. I really regret it.

And whatever I have feared. Whatever I didn't want to happen. Jus so damn bloody hell happened. I hate you. Why did you have to go out and then keep reappearing in my life!

If you wanna go, PLS GO AWAY! I am having enough misery having to be the one who had to stop everything because you didn't have the guts and now you wanna watch me suffer eh?

I HATE YOU YOU IDIOT.

Go away pls. GO AWAY. I dun wanna keep living in the shadows of my past but thanks alot ar. You are really helping alot.

Freak. Go away. GO AWAY. I really really dun like you. Why.

I am just so confused and crushed right now. Jus all thanks to you. Can you pls go away. if you wanna go away GO! I really really hate you. (i jus wished I could really get my heart to do it)

Damn you. I wan so badly to see you. Yet, I bet if I really see you, I won't even know what to do or what to say. Damn you.

I really hate you. Oh crap. Go away.

Afterall, I am the one holding on..

2009-07-20T12:55:00.002+08:00

HELLO PEOPLEEE!

In RV de com lab now lah. With YiLin on my left enthusiastically reading xD & vanessa on my right posting also. Haha

Ok. I am bored so this is DUH a random post & a total relaxation before returning to the boring world of HUMANITIES. -.-

SIAN. Geog then History. AND KARSING READING POST ALSO!! xD

Ok. Later have to stay back for extra Lang Arts lessons thanks to Swimming CCA on wednesday lah. Sian. If can go on wed good lah. Then today can go home chiong homework. But I wanna go swimming lah.

Oh BTW, I AM HUNGRY NOW :X

The person behind ma (aka KARSING) laughed lah-.- People hungry cannot ah? xD

Ok lah. Officially bored lahs. I mean, YOU CAN TELL FROM THE STUFF IN THIS POST -.-

Today recess got class match. Nobody told me anything. Haix. Nvm. LOLS. Erm. Dk who won/lost. vaness?

Ok. Vaness say lost.. Hmm. Dkdk. MAGGIE'S ON PLURK!!! Hahahaha So is Kellie. Haha. Lol. Technology lahs.

Oh crap. Have to log off soon now. SIAN. Byebye technology. I have to leave you for the sake of boring & drone-y humanities. Sian. Geog is going thorough of stuff how nice is that? History learning about Ghandi(Mrs Yap's favourtie guy lahs) OKOK. BYEBYE! Post after I reach home bahs.

Porbably about 5+? Or somthing lah. Byebye. Haix. BORING LESSONS HERE I COME!!!

2009-07-19T10:38:00.002+08:00

Eveything's officially screwed.

Every area of my 'wonderful' life is just screwing itself up and going haywire.

Oh. Dun start saying."Haix. Confirm is the old same problem de lah. What major stuff can she be going through man? Why does she always have to exaggerate it?"

Cuz NO. It ain't the same problem. When I say everything, I seriously mean it. And I dunno what to do.

WHAT CAN I DO?

In fact now, I feel very apologetic to those who have always been encouraging and urging me to go on and not give up. I really appreciate and am very thankful for what you all have done. But, I am sorry. To disappoint you all once again.

And, I tink, no matter how hard you all try, nothing will happen. Cuz eventually, it's still up to me. But thanks alot. But trying to help. But for now, I really really dun have the energy to fight on anymore.

I dunno what I'm gonna do. But now, I'm really tired.

2009-07-17T21:17:00.002+08:00

Wow. Guess what. I have wasted a whole chunk of my life, doing nothing but blog hopping, slacking, reminiscing, emo-ing.

Life is so so so boring. Well. today was funny suan-ing Mavis. First half of the day was erm. Well. Idk. I still get that very weird feeling and I dun like it lah. Anyways now what I am trying to do is salvage friendships and if you all are observant enough, I sorta gave up on one already.

"Giving up doesn't mean you are weak. It just means you are strong enough to let go."

Well. I don't really know. It really depends on the situation. And for this one, I guess its both but I really find it a pity when my friendships go haywire. Cuz for those who dunno this lah, one of the things I treasure the most if my relationships with people.

So yea.

This blog is lik so emo everyday that I dun see the point of even posting stuff here anymore. I am just sharing my agony, misery and rubbish with the world. Hmph. Wth is that. Might as well make it private. But well. My private blogs always die. So forget it.

I dunno. Life's just so boring and lifeless. Everything that I am doing seems to be sooo.. fake.

Lik. I seriously doubt myself. When I am laughing and smiling. When I am talking normally. What is it that I am feeling inside? Am I really happy or am I just faking it?

My mood swings are so bad nowadays and 1J get the worse hit. Sorry ah 1J. Always lose temper den go shout shout shout. Haix.

I miss my enthusiasm in the first half of the year. It was way better than this. Way better. Esp orientation & first month - third month? It wasn't that bad.

But now. Haix. Dun need to say le lah.

DUn feel lik doing anything now but just sleeping but if I sleep now, my homework all gone case. Sianx. Haiz.

it's a bigbigworld.

2009-07-16T22:46:00.002+08:00

Erm. My blog is pretty dead. So shall blog.

Had fun at West Mall with CHEWCHEW, PIG & LESBO today^^

GOt lik a lot of memories lah. Then emo. Saw Beltran, then Sheena, Jing Cheng, Ming Hui(SAPS) & some other ppeps.

Em-ed quite alot. Well. Erm. Whaddayo expect?

Anws. I kinda freaked myself out. But they 3 dunno what I saying. Lol.

Erm. I am in no mood to blog happy posts. I shall let off some things that has been in my mind for quite some time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's so coincidental. That sometimes. Things just keep happening that reminds me of YOU.

The necklace, the card, the strap, West Mall, arcade. It jus reminds me of YOU.

Lik, Tuesday was so horrible. I was actually so full of energy when I was about to go home when I realised that half of the strap was gone. The guy.

After that, I had no appetite and I emo-ed like crazy. (oh yah. Sorry ah pig & chewchew. Spoil your moods)

And today got west mall, I saw that necklace. Haix. I really wish you were still here. I wondered why i dun feel lik going to church anymore. Well, I figured, maybe, it brings memories of you and maybe, i know that you will never go there again.

I dunno. I am just pretty much in a mess. But what can i do?

I freaked on tues. Cause I realise that I was having a relapse. And today, I saw the effects and my arms are ugly enough.

I wondered why. Although I knew this was coming. I thought I was over it. But I never even got past it.

I would openmy wallet and stare at the neos. I would open my wallet and look at the card. And you know what? So coincidentally, there was a crack in the card and it cracked right at the word LOVE. And it broke and the top part is gone.

Coincidence?

I dunno why I am feel so dead and lifeless and my attitude is so damn different already. Isit cuz ofyou? Or isit just me?

What caused this change in me? And what happened? Between US.

Right now, all I know is that I am repeating whatever idid in 2007 except in different time of the year. Wait till we meet and still hope a miracle will happen. Aren't I naive? Awww. I am a naive litte girl. Pttf.

And my friendships are all screwed. I dun wanna talk about it. Church side is abit screwed. Class side DUH screwed. CCA side half. Lik. What is the problem with me?

If class ppl are gonna ask what's wrong or smth along that line, HERE'S WHAT'S WRONG.

If you do realise, our 'clique' ISN'T a clique. If you do realise, I ain't spending time with Darlingz anymore. If you do realise, ppl in our clique has got ther own cliques. If you do realise, this days I have been hanging out with Yilin, Maxine, Karsing and blahblah. If you do realise, I am jus this lost person in the whole universe, looking for somewhere to fit into. If you do realise, I am trying very hard to fit into this world.

AND IF YOU DO REALISE, this is how screwed up my friendships in class are.

For church, i guess it's just me. So fine. CCA, no much problem but when there is, it's me. So basically it's all me.

I keep having this strong feeling of rejection.

AND OHOH. I have to say this. I know I got into the low self esteem programme but I already opt-ed out. There are many reasons. But seriously, I will say, it won't help me at all. Whatever they have mentioned in the booklet, so? I know it. I know I have good qualities, I have people commending me. I compliment myself.

BUT. My self esteem is just as low. Please note: YOU ARE DEALING WITH AN EXTREMEMLY STUBBORN IDIOTIC MORON THAT CAN'T EXPRESS HERSELF AND IS VERY OBSTINATE. So thus, decided to let others go for it. Since no matter what, it will still be the same.

Well. Life is pretty much screwed and yesh. I can always hide it all with disguises and masks. So what. Nothing ever changes anyways. I am so tired of this boring no life life.

And. The feeling of rejection is just too strong. So now. All I am gonna do, is continue being the lost girl until somebody and hold me. FOR GOOD. And not jus let go after a while. That will be nice. So meanwhile, I shall wait. Waiting for my support..

At the end of it all, I'm still hanging on..

2009-07-13T01:25:00.005+08:00

Ok. I really really really dun like this now. I am really different. I know it. Candis Mei knows it.

I mean. This sucks. I dnno who I am you know. Ytd when i went back to SAPS track. I was so weird. So fake. That Candis, realised the change in me. Wth is this.

I know I've changed and a lot too. If I would remember. It would be since LYL service. I was weird within the cell group from that service on.

When I went early to join them for lunch, I didn't talk. After the service at the games, I was jus dunno doing what. What is wrong with me.

I really dunno who I am. I really don't. Which is the real me? Which is fake? Why I am pretending so much that it's all so fake now? Why? Where did i disappear to? What exactly happended?

And I have a another million more of those questions in my mind.

Ytd. I didn't wanna go service. I went and didn't talk before service. I didn't understad Reverend. I didn't talk nor eat during dinner. All I did was stone and listen. What is wrong? Something is wrong somewhere. But what.

Today cell group. When I jus reach, it was smiles. And yet, on the bus, I was so emo. Auto change? When cell group started, I wasn't singing loudly as usual. When it was tesimony time, I COULDN'T THINK OF A SINGLE GOOD THING GOD DID IN MY LIFE IN THE PAST 6 WEEKS. What is that? He did so many wonderful things but all I did was stare blankly.

When Bennie was sharing with us the message, I didn't understand at all and I have to admit, I wasn't really listening. I was like half in half out. I had no idea what she was saying. After that, offering time, I just gave and I didn't even think at all or listen much.

All these differences. If I were to compare. Where did I go?

Isit just me? That's just so out of place? Why did I feel that way? That empty isolated feeling. Can someone please help me somehow? Answer my questions. Answer them. Cuz I can't take it anymore. The fact that I am just so far away from the circle. I dun like it.

This entire weekend has been such a weird one.

But. It's not only in church. School as well. I just dun feel 'in' at all. Like. Cliques or whatever. Why is this so?

I really need some answers because I am on the verge of breaking down from this isolence. Isit because of THAT? Because ever since it happened. I have been sorta like this.. Is that the reason?

I am having an identity crisis here and I really really need help. Or this is how it is like to feel numb? Cuz somehow, I really feel veryvery numb. I can't feel much. I dunno. I just feel like this drifting piece of wood wondering aimlessly.

Numbness. Identity crisis. Pttf. Wth is wrong.

2009-07-11T23:39:00.002+08:00

In the end, I went for service today. But well.

I dun really know what's wrong. Is it me or what. It was a freaking awkward day for me. And. I jus wasn't in the mood I guess. I felt so fake all the time.

I decided to go. On impulse. Somehow.

Well. I was blogging. When I received a call. I jus finished blogging the previous post. And you know who you are. But. But you dunno is.

I said very little and gave one word answers. Was because. I had no idea why. But the tears came anyway. The tears that I have suppressed within me. The entire week. Because I told myself.

"Valencia. You are over it. So no more tears. LIVE YOUR LIFE."

Wellwell. We all know now rite. Hmph.

But. I really really feel weird. I was pretty quiet. Not because I was tired. But cuz I jus felt awkward.

I felt lik I didn't fit in at all. I felt lik an outsider. I felt lik crap.

I dunno why I had those kinda weird case feeling. But it was jus lik dat. I was jus. I dunno how to describe it. But I felt someting.

I think. It really is me. Cuz I have a problem. My over sensitivity. I. I really dun lik it. Cuz I know they may not have meant it that way. But to me, I somehow felt hurt. WHY. This doesn't make sense.

I jus feel so weird. I feel very awkward.

Also, I have been feeling bad ever since morning. And. I could have done something. I COULD HAVE. But I didn't. If I did. I might have suffered. But rather me than you rite. Haix.

And I'm sorry I couldn't do much to comfort you as well. I guess I am not good with words. I am just really sorry and I guess that's all I can ever say. SORRYSORRYSORRY. What else can I say.

I am just having fixed feelings rite now and I am really lost. The place where I thought was the only place that I belonged to now seems so distant.

Everything seems to be going away from me. Throwing me behind. Leaving me behind. Why me. Why.

Who am I. What am I. ARGHH. I jus feel so lost, distanced, confused. I dunno what to do. I really dun.

I dun even know what I am talking about now. Oh crap this.

2009-07-11T11:54:00.002+08:00

I feel so stupeed. I feel so naive. Why am I still holding on? When it's so obvious that it won't work. Yes I am foolish. I know that quite well. Argh. This sucks.

I dun like my dumbness but it jus happens. I thought I was letting go, turns out I was only numbed.

I still think back of those times. I still visit the places. I still mouth the lines. I still replay the images in my mind. I still treasure the things. I still play with them. I still wish you are here. I still miss you. I still love you.

Haix. I was just kidding myself. I thought I was ok now. I thought I had started letting go now. I thought that I could get on with my life. I thought I was ok. I THOUGHT.

But now I know it ain't true. Cuz I haven't forgotten nor let go.

Heh. I'm so pathetic. I am jus clinging onto a hope like how I did a few years back. 2007. I knew it was coming. I knew it was gone. But I didn't wanna let go and jus clinged on. See where it got me.

That time was CNY. This year? Teacher's Day is coming soon ya'know.

Will history repeat itself? Cuz what I am seeing myself do is that I am doing what I did in 2007 & 2008. And what if the result is the same?

Why am I lik this... I dun wanna get my hopes up before they get sent down. But. Haix. I dunno what's wrong with me. Crap this.

I even lost interest in going church now. WTH. This is so damn dumb. Haix. I feel very guilty lah. I dun wan to make my problem seem so big. But haix. What am I supposed to do?

I need today as a day off. I need a break. I need it. I am sorry Bennie, Zi, Jessie, AiWei, whoever that put hope on me to by trusting God get out of this. I am sorry. I've let you down. I'm sorry.

Haix. Tmr got CGM. I feel lik going but maybe not. OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

What do I do..

Haix. All this crap sucks. I'm tired. Really tired of trying so hard to make it seem lik everything's ok. Crap this crap this.

Why. Why. Why is it that it's like dat.

I dunno. I dunno anymore. Damn it.

2009-07-10T22:20:00.001+08:00

I jus realised that i am aching everywhere. OH NO. Tmr sure die. Haix.

FORGET IT. I dun wan post le. The content is not suitable. Lol. Nvm. Byebye. Nitez!

2009-07-10T21:48:00.002+08:00

Erm. I think I reply tags first. I am in a confused state of mind now. Bleh.

!Shiying: LOL Y dun wanna say "I dun friend you liao" lyk wat pri sch kids do. HAHA
Cuz I in sec school liao lor. You trying to imply that I am childish isit! Hmph. (thinking bout it, I am. LOL)

marion(:: lol... you funny la.. i also come to sch too late ma.. cause i cant wake up lor... i got talk lor.. i am so mice pls... bleh...
you beh yourself than say nice arh. PRO AH. Haha. Ok lor. Not your fault lor. My fault lor.

yijieXD: hello:x hahaha i like daily life posts more cuz it means you not EMO:) or maybe you are, but not so much lahh! and yahh school life give you no time to emo, i emo alot in holsXD hahahahahha i luv random-ness
Erm. Well. Daily posts are boring somehow. Nvm. LOL. School life actually got a lot of time to emo de. And I do emo. Jus that no one realises(: AND YESH I KNOW. You random-er.

yanlingX3: link me yeah? (:
Hehe. Okok. I try my best to link ASAP. Haha. (if you notice, my links are very outdated xD)

CANDIS (:: HAHA. LOL. realy 300m i want faint alrd. we seriously sark. D;
We did 400m last year. Almost got into finals lor. Sian. Few secs only leh. We were first in our competition. As in the heat (:

-----------------------------------------------------

Ok. Let me explain myself. I wanna post about today ESP AFTER SCHOOL but now I am lik no mood to post. Thanks to some reason lah. But not anyone's fault. Well. So how. Plus I wan do homework. SOMEHOW~!

Erm. Well. I shall do my usual long long daily post bah. Long time never do that le. So not used LOL. Kk.

So yea. Usual, took 97 to school lah. Reach school than slacked lik crazy and wanted to sleep. Then after that go take out the gradient worksheet to do. Hoho. After the national anthem, Miss Chong explain then I know how to do all liao LOL! HAHA. Thanks Miss Chong!

Cuz Mr Xiong ended everything in a rush. Make me blur nia. LOL.

Anyways, then was BORINGBORING LANGARTS wib Mr Huang. Only one worksheet and lots of free time. Did the WS wib YiLin and KarSing:D THen after that YiJIe come and then we talktalk and use vaness de oil blotter. And my forehead is oily de lor. LOL!

Anyways, talktalktalk alot Veh shuangxD

Maths was lik a re teach. And I knew how to do Question3 HOHO. I so proud of myself. Haha. It's actually really simple. But I go think until veh complicated and do until lik so many steps. LMAO LORS.

Anws, after maths was recess and played cap ball. Cruise veh funny lah. Specs broke or smth then me & Michelle both wearing house tee mah. THen he go ask,"Who is michelle, who is valencia?"

LOLs rite xD

I dun tink I played well cuz I catch ball always slip out of my hand de. Sianx. But ONEJAY won lor. 5-3 Nice game lah.

Chiong to go change then chiong to go CID in the end nvr bring thermometer then have to chiong back to class to take. ARGH.

Class was BORING. Teach us how to research accurately or smth. Kinda boring. After that was chinese, got the presentations then after that is D&T.

D&T, YiLin, YueNing, Tania & I were lik counting down. Haha. Then we talk a lot and never really listen. Naughty xD

We were pretty blur bout the circuits stuff LOL! Forgot everything liao xD

After that go back class then go out. Take 61 to West Mal. Had fun suan-ing Maxine. HOHOHOxD SOTONG.

Change then go eat. Ate ban mian HOHO. Nice. Then suan Maxine again. Laugh alot after that go buy pet food(: I chose a lot of the food. Haha. I lik animals mah :D

After that go popular awhile then jiu sian diao go arcade liao. ARCADE WAS THE LOVE!! :D

Played basketball lik crazy HAHA. And it was so freaking fun lahs. Play until hand pain lor. After that keep playing until we decided to top up then go take neos. NEOS WAS ULTIMATE FUN!! People were screaming all over the place! HaHA.

Damn fun lah. Decorating pics^^

Then the outcome veh nice. After neos then YiJie, YueNing, YiLin and Maggie go liao. Left 4 people. Wanted to go play Initial D but then got people. Wanted to play DDR also got people. So we go play the 'arcade' games. haha. We go play photo hunt then Maxine kena electric static from the machine.

Then she keep ow-ing and she dun dare to press cuz pain. THen she taptaptap de xD And everytime she tap is the "DEHHH" sound come out xD DAMNDMAN FUNNY. IN the end she kept yelling & screaming saying what,"THERE! THERE! HERE! HERE! NOSE!!! MOUTH!! BUILDING!!" xD

THen we also scream & laugh and shout. HAHA. Cuz got one metal chair topple dunno where then vh loud then we scream xD then we also kept laughing at Maxine then after that become Cathy have liao. THen they both keep ow-ing xD

We decided to change machine and then no more static rite, Maxine still scared then go taptaptap in the end all DEHDEHDEH. xD then cathy press is ok de. Veh funny. Me and KarSing jus kept laughing lors xD

After that go Initial D there "book" place then go play DDR first. we were totally absolute noobs lah! Lik 2 people play one side. OMG. So damn paiseh lors. I last time can basic. Now dunno what crap. Sianx.

Then KarSing go play Initial D, then me and Maxine continue DDR. Then Cathy & KarSing go play BBall after that we go join them. HAHA. After lik 2-3 rounds then jiu leave liao. THen I realise my bottle gone. ARGH.

Go find in arcade & popular then turns out is in popular! WHOOO! I tell you arh. I LOVE WEST MALL POPULAR. I lose my things there rite, all got reutrn de leh! ROX. Haha. Thank God lah :D

Then go home, Maxine walk the other way while Cathy and I go buy food. Chicken rice LOL!

After that she go take 945 while I go outside take the 3 shorter buses. Missed 947 damn crap. But took 187. Reached home, bathed, ate and then I go sleep. Woke up at 9. Haix. Still veh tired. I wan go sleep now. But I also wan do some homework today. sian diao. Dk wan do what. Haix. Chiong tmr lah. Nitex people. I tink I will have one more post. EMO T.T

2009-07-09T20:19:00.002+08:00

ARGH. Life is so damn routine-ish nowdays and it's so damn boring. GAGAGA.

Anws. Science was fun. HAHA. As usual lahs. I like science mah.

Found out Miss Ling is christian HOHO. Anyways, it was kinda OBVIOUS!

"Nature is beautiful...(blahblah) God takes care of everything."

HEH. She said that lik 5 or 6 times lah. Obvious enough lor. Haha. I found 2 teachers who are christians already. Miss Ling & Miss Yu. LOL. Mr Loh free thinker.

Anyways, I was classified "HIDDEN TALENT" For science. Jus cuz i was such an inquisitive kid and wanted to find out why water expanded when it was ice.

I remember asking Sarah and she shrugged me off. HMPH. I AM RITE OK! Hoho. Anomalous Expansion of water. Valen's curious mind :D

Well. I lik science anyways. Chem CID seems boring though. Cuz I am seeing Mr Xiong AGAIN. How many times must I see him in a day anyways!

OH. Talking about him. I am BUSHUANG bout the fact that he left school for home at 3+ when I was still in school for training! Hmph. And then he smile until so happily somemore. Crap lehhh.

Mr Xiong is qianbian de lor. Haha. Jkjk. ANYWAYS, he's daddy's boy. Lol.

I do realise that the content of this post is so damn random but. Er. I am jus lik blogging to kill time as well keep my blog alive. I am kinda sian diao to blog those kind of daily post. And plus. I bet it bores people to death lah. Reading routined posts -.-

Erm. I seriously dunno what to post. So give me ideas people. Cuz I dun wan stone lah. I free now mah. Haha xD

anyways, in case you dunno, stoning results in thinking which results in emo-ing. So yea. Steph knows this(:

That's why I am pretty busy/occupied nowdays. To lik, erm. Not let myself have free time lahs. Haha. That's why I would rather I get drowned by homework cuz then I would be so busy doing homework to have time to emo.

I have realised quite a few things recently and will decide whether to post them anot later. Lol.

Dunno if I will go church this weekend. Dun really feel lik going.. Psps. But yea. Dun feel lik. I somehow always dun lik it when lik some famous & very good pastor come. Lik that time Pst Phil came and I didn't really listen lor.

This weekend is Rev/Pst A.R. Bernard. So. Erm. I shall see how tired I am on sat. Haix.

Sianz now. Erm. Oh. Jus realise one more thing. Haiz. Sian lahs. Anw, I am really full from eating the apple that now I wanna puke. Gosh.

I am really tired now and wanna go sleep but haven do maths. HAHA. History also. I said I would do it today. GAGA. Erm. Fine. I SHALL DO IT TMR. Maths maybe now. Reader's passport is screwed lah. Whatever. Dance is. OMG. Crazy.

Lalala.I tink I am getting older & older. Cuz I lik old ahma & ahpeh liddat. Everyday think back of the past. Haix. Anw, can't sleep cuz Zi's coming over later(:

Shall go do maths then. Haix/ Now no mood le-s. Whatever bah.

SORRY FOR THE RANDOM ORDER AND INFORMATION OF THIS POST. I AM BORED^^

2009-07-07T22:40:00.002+08:00

OK TAG REPLIES(:

yijie the vryvry best:}: hello:) nothing rlly to sayy..><>
Er. I am serious when I said I dun lik Kimbum. He damn act cute. I prefer him when he's lik smiling his normal :D Smile. That one then cute(: Anyways -.- COME MY BLOG SPAM. You spammer. Hmph.

chelsea: sometimes, if you srsly love him then i guess it's difficult to let him go. sometimes, even if he doesn't contact you, if doesn't mean he doesn't care anymore. keep the faith...i'll keep praying, for you and for my mum.
Erm. There are things you dunno. Anw, it's over lah(: Thnks anyways dear. OH and if you DO realise, I AM YOUR MUMMY! xD

/: some things in life r lyk quicksand; if u dun grab onto sth n get out quickly you'll just keep sinking...keep holding onto God, keep trusting that he will help u thru all this crap ur going thru...
THanks alot for the advice and encouragement. But it would seriously help if I know who you are lah Thanks. Mine leaving your name. Even if you are Mr Xiong -.-

zann: heys dun bottle evrythng up inside u, kays?u can talk 2 me if u want...i'll always try 2 b there 4 u...if u feel lyk u cant talk 2 me or wateva, juz give all ur burdens 2 God, kays?
Haha. Thanks alot Zann(: Oh and I told you this already. YOUR TAGS ARE PREDICTABLE. Haha. But seriously, thanks for caring :D LOVEYAH DAUGHTER<3

CANDIS (:: LAXLAX (; LOVES orh. your birthday church deh. O.O don't really understand leh HEH. yahhh. school changed
Haha. Yea. LOVEYAH TOO MEI! :D Oh and it sucks.. SAPS isn't SAPS anymore. Crap -.-

yanlingX3: hahah i know zhan tze.and u know who's kimberley right..(:
YESHYESH! xD

zi: may 17 2009 looks good:) sometimes we have to bring to rememberance the good in the past to keep the faith. Jiayou len
Thanks Zi(: Yeah. I am still holding onto my faith. Believe or not lah. Haha. But thanks for always being there. Thanks alot Zi

Lynn: link and tag k!!(: i realise i'll be your only "L" link under saps. heh
HAHA. YESH!

!Shiying: later tat anonymous is mr xiong. haha. JKJK
*FAINTS* Omg lahs. I dun tink its him and I hope its not him. Hmph.

....: Hello valen..-.- dont sad can? i can lend u a listening ear.. Er i'm sorry but i dunno how to express what i wanna say. so yeah, dont give up (: i'm ALWAYS here for u.
Haha. Ok. I guess I know who you are from your style of 'writing'. I am also still here for you ok? You still know bout me through my blog. I don't. So must share ok? Loveyah ALOTALOTALOT. I am still here for you any time you need me dear(: And DUN WORRY. I haven learn to express myself also! xD

chelsea--shiying: hey! i din think of that. but it's highly possible...
I AGREE! Hehe. Teachers DON'T EVER tag blogs you know. Irritating. For MX is only class blog.

CANDIS (:: HELLOH JIEJIE:D Where you go. LOL. HAHA. IMISSYOUSOMUCH ;(
Haha. MISSYOUALOTALSO. I wan go back SAPSSSSS! I wan go back lah. Haix. Miss SAPS so much. SAPS so much better. Lol.

OK. Reply tags liao. Erm. Today was a totally mood swing day. Lik morning was stressed and pissed, after that, hyper, happy(fake or not I dun care and you dun need to know), then when going home emoemoemoemoemo lik crap. Weird..

ANyways. Erm. THings aren't brightening up but whatever. I jus feel lik a hopeless idiot trying to hold onto thin air. Hmph. DUMB.

Whatever bah. I jus rather he be happy(:

ANYWAYS!!! I AM 171!! Same as YanChen ok!! So you stupeed noob, stop saying I shorter! xD

2009-07-06T13:25:00.003+08:00

Tell you all people ah. I am veryveryveryveryveryveryvery DAMN shocked to suddenly come back to my blog over the weekends and then see lik so many tags there. OMG! Haha.

Thanks people. Really very touched by all your love and concern for me lah. Chels, Zann, Zi, Candis, Anonymous. Lol. Haha. Thanks all(:

Well. It's back to boring routine life. I will go reply tags later after I am back(: So seeya later people. Meanwhile, THANKS ALOT people.

Really appreciate it(: MAKES ME FEEL LOVED xD HOHOHO.

I am on a crazzzayee mood todayye. So yea. Let's see how this goes. But seriously, thanks everyone! AND ANONYMOUS -.- SHOW YOURSELF LAH. Are you that previous onejay person or what?

I haven found out who also. Hmph. This person ah =.= *squints eyes* (: cya peeps!

2009-07-03T17:08:00.002+08:00

Well I guess people come in and go out of your life. And Mr Boey is one of those who is going. byebye Mr boey. I will seriously missyah..

--------------------------------------------------

Haix. Today was a horrible day. I dunno emo lik what shit. Despite laughing a lot over suan-ing Maxine. Lmao.

Lik. I dun see myself EVER being part of you all. I always try to fit in with you all. But it never never works. What is this. What is this. I dun matter rite. Yea. I guess so.

I tried. But whatever. So be it. I am the loner anways.

The changed seating arrangement helps me so damn much. Pttf. Yea rite. More time for me to emo, daydream, drift & NOT LISTEN. Damnit lah. I'm losing my damn focus already. Idiotic.

Life's a bitch nowdays. Haha. It has been long since I used that phrase. Lmao. Lols.

I hate school. I hate RV. I hate going there. Going there everyday jus gives me time to slack&emo. Going there jus makes me see everyone else and I have to try so damn hard to fit it. GOing there means,emo time thinking bout HIM.

I hate going to RV.

I am really tired lor. I mean. I guess it's jus me. Me and my sensitivity. But I dunno. I feel very very worn out. And I feel lik I'm so different from everybody. Everybody looks fine with their damn life. And its jus me. Again.

It's always me hur. The one who's not good enough. THe one who's at the fault. The one who's emo. The one who's miss-i-can-do-everything. WTH. Niceone people.

I dun lik this world. I dun lik living. I wanna go and sleep forever. But that would jus make people sad. I dunno. Lik how much do my friends know me lah. Seriously. HOW WELL DO YOU ALL KNOW ME?

I feel damn fucked up with no one to rely on. KNowing that its jus me against the world without anyone else. Wow. Lovely eh.

I'm so tired of going to school everyday to jus face some bitchy problems. I hate going to school knowing that I dun fit in.

Wow. I guess being accepted means alot to me hur. Wth. No. It doesn't. All I need is ONE. Get it straigh. ONE friend who's really there with me and for me. But I can tell you. THere's NO SUCH PERSON.

Whatever man. Get lost everyone. Leave me to rot. If you care, I will jus pull you into the eternal black hole. I dun wan that. I shall shut it with myself. Go and run away from me before I eat you all up.

I am sinking into this quicksand and there's no there to pull me out. It's ok. I will jus go. Let me sink.. Goodbye...

2009-07-02T20:53:00.002+08:00

Today is typical. But well, today, 尤老师 said and did something which reminded me bout SAPS teachers.

She said to someone,"你 EMO 阿?"

And then it was that weird eye contact.

Lik it brought back alot of memories. Seriously.

Omg. I miss those teachers. I miss Mr Woo lah. Lik, his stupeed eyes. Haha. There are kinda scary. I dun lik someone looking at me liddat. But I miss it so much now.

I miss Auntie Shakthi. THe way her crappy stuff jus some how makes sense..

I miss Miss Lee. I miss her weird weird expressions.

Idunno. I jus miss all of them. I miss all the teachers who helped me so much lah. I really thank you all and miss you all.

Haix. Cuz well, Miss Yu is lik the ONLY teacher in RV who knows bout me *AHEM*-ing. So. Haix. Her that kind of action makes me feel weird.

Haix. I miss SAPS so damn much. But I see no point going back. Cuz everything's so bloody different already.

Have you ever had the feeling that you are in this lovely big family and you jus DON'T fit in?

I feel that way lor. Everything has changed. And I really really dnu see myself as an ANTHONIAN. I really see myself as a EX-ANTHONIAN.

I feel very sad bout this fact lor. I dun lik it lah. I really miss SAPS. Because, I guess, it's where really I have planted my heart into.

SAPS has the deardear people who care for me even when I do all sorts of rubbish to reject them( I AM NOT SAYING RV DOESN'T. My friends are one good bunch of friends(:)

But. THe love and care they have showered me with. I really say. It's different. PLS NOTE. THIS POST AIN'T BOUT MY SAPS FRIENDS. They know how much I love them and miss them already.

But I really wanna acknowledge these teachers.

Lik, I must say lor. Me rite, emo kia or whatever, I am pretty well known for that amongest teachers. And they really shower me with so much love and care. THey did so much.

I miss them alot. I jus wish I were still and Anthonian. But it's all different now. It's all different now.

I miss everyone in SAPS lah. I felt comforted there although the problems I had were all there. But I knew, that no matter where, they will definitely be someone loving me, wanting to protect me who has watched me grow up and will not give up on me.

I feel hope there. Yea I was emo. But I didn't feel numb. I didn't feel lik this. When I was happy last year, I was really happy. What about now?

I can seriously say. I am very unsecure in RV. I jus dun feel the love. Somehow. Or rather, I always think and feel that, there is always someone out there who will hate me without me knowing.

I fear daily that one of my friends will suddenly declare that he/she hates me. I am so afriad of that. That's why I am so happy when you all encourage me. It jus strengthens me. But I still fear. I dun feel the security here.

Plus. When I thought this person would really love me. And would not give up on me. He chose to walk out of my life. Creating yet another crack in my heart.

I don't lik this feeling of fear. Of insecurity. I dun lik it. I DUN.

I wanna step out of it. But i don't see that happening anytime soon. Cuz from a confirdent, proud girl, I am now a scared timid gal afraid of her own shadows.

Haix.

Oh and YN realised tha I wasn't myself today. I gues I am losing more control of my emotions and expressions now aren't I?

YN said I seemed lik I was in a bad mood. And I said yea. And she asked why, I jus said,"I am in a bad mood everyday."

lol.. SC went to act smart and say cuz i not enough sleep. Lol. I dun tink so. But funny lah. Well, she could link ideas lor. Lol.

Haix. I dunno what to say of myself. So weak. So tired. So scared.

I am losing control of myself more and more each day. I am.

I am showing more of this.. PATHETIC WEAK SIDE of me. I dun wan it to consume me. I dun wan. But it's eating me day by day. I am losing control.

------------------------------------------------

It's the second day. And there's still nothing. Do I really mean nothing to you?

Can't you even say, OK? Or anything? WHY. Why are you treating me lik this? DO I REALLY DESERVE IT!

Maybe I do. Pttf. I jus wish you know. YOu can jus drop a sms or smth. I really dun understand now. Fine whatever. It's the end anyways. I give up on EVERYTHING.

2009-07-01T23:24:00.002+08:00

Lose a lover, or love a loser?
Love a loser. I'd rather love someone then lose someone:(
Never see again, or never speak again?
Neve speak again. Erm. I can write. But I dun have alternate ways to see. ANd plus. I can still see and hear perfectly well. I can stop chattering then(:
Run 2 miles straight, or walk 8 miles?
Erm. 2 Miles = ? I guess it's the run? Idk seriously.
Go to the beach, or have a milkshake?
Erm. Beach bah. Can scream my lungs out(:
Laugh when no one else is, or not laugh while everybody else is?
I am kinda tao and lame so I do both lah but i prefer to be happy so it's the first(:
Drink 10 cans of soda at once, or never drink soda again?
Drink 10 cans of soda lah. I lik sweet stuff and all you have to do is burp(:
Have your pants ripped, or get thrown in a trash can?
Thrown in the can. -.-
Work at McDonald's, or join the army?
Macs bah. I dun lik guns. Haha.
Kiss someone you don't like, or kiss someone who doesn't like you?
Erm. I have no idea. Second bah. I dunwan cheat people.
Be an only child, or have 5 brothers?
5 brothers. It's lonely.
Be able to rewind time, or see the future?
Rewind...
Be hated for who you are or, be loved for something you're not?
first lor.
Die the day after the best day of your life, or live to be 90 with everyday being 'okay'?
first.
Go skydiving, or go scuba diving?
Erm I wan both. I will freak myself out with the skydiving. HAHA. BUt its fun.
Be loved by one person, or have 10 people who like you?
one person(:
Have one absolutely amazing kiss, or have 40 okay kisses?
One(:
Love and lose or, never love at all?
love & lose. THe experience. heh.
Can you fill this out without lying?
-.- YESH.
What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Erm. Water. Haha.
Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew?
Nope. I know someone called Matthew though(:
Where was your default picture taken?
Erm. msn = home fb = school
Last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20.
Shannon(:
Can you play guitar hero?
Nevre try
Name someone that made you laugh today?
Erm. JunMIng, Aaron, Janssen, YanChen, QinPing, Cathy, Mr Xiong(charades) LOL.
How late did you stay up last night and why?
erm. Till 1+ because of homework. T.T
If you could move somewhere else, would you?
tink so.
Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Nope.
Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Erm. Richard quite near. Him quite near. JC also. Erm. Lik Anthonian junior, P3 this year. Same block. Haha.
Do you believe exs can be friends?
I guess so.
Calling or texting?
I prefer talking. But I lik people calling me(:
How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Never try. Reminds me of p4 When mrs wong got us to play this game. Haha.
When was the last time you cried really hard?
Dun ask. Pls.
Where are you right now?
Room(:
What bed did you sleep in last night?
MINE LAH!
What was the last thing someone bought for you?
ERM. I tink it's the bearbear steph got for me AND NEVER GIVE TO ME. And well. I tink that's it. I tink.. OHOHOH!! Yijie treat me cheesea toast today(:
Who took your profile picture?
fb = kimberly i tink msn = me
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Erm. Yanchen. MUAHAHA.
Was yesterday better than today?
Erm. I have no idea.
Can you live a day without TV?
Can.
Are you mad about anything?
Yah.
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yah. Haix.
When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
extremely. To what extend? Erm. today, erm. this whole week's disappointing.
Are you a bad influence?
YESH:(
What items could you not go without during the day?
handphone, ipod, wallet & money(:
Would you share a drink with a stranger?
NO LAH.
Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Er. I never visit people in hospital de.
What does the last message in your inbox say?
Kellie: Tmr is bring whih chi textbook? (SO SORRY I JUS SAW AND I NEVER REPLY! Sorry kellie...)
What do you feel now about your life?
Lowpoint :(
Do you hate anyone?
Dislik alotalotalot. YESH. IN fact, hate lah. whatever.
If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find?
Private stuff and non private stuff then I will be irritated if you go invade my privacy. LIK HOW MY PARENTS DO. DAMNIT.
Can you easily tell if someone's fake?
DUH. I am sensitive de ok.
Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Yep(:
Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
I dun tink so rite. AND I DUN REMEMBER CALLING CHRYST PERFECT! Oh wait. does"... you are jus perfect the way you are.." count? Alot of people say before.
What song is stuck in your head?
Erm quite alot. All with regards to the same issue lor.
Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be?
Angels, Jesus, God:D I will be so sosososososos proud they came to visit:D
Wanna have kids before you’re 30?
Erm. dk.
Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Go for training. And live my boring, no life LIFE.-.-
Can you whistle?
Yup WITH MY TEETH TOO!! :D OWN(:
Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
Side bah. Back sometimes, stomach sometimes(:
Do you think too much or too little?
Too much..
Do you smile a lot?
Erm. Sorta. Fake?
Who was your last missed call on your Mobile phone?
Erm. YiLin O.O
When's the next time you will see the person you like?
I seriously dunno. But I like God and wanna see him(:
Are you happy with your life?
No. I mean, it will be so damn fake if I say YES!! HAHAHA. -.-
Can you handle the truth?
Idk. But I'd rather have the truth then lies. I hate it lah.
What was the last book you read?
Halfway = buddy finish = street child
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
NO LAH. Weiyang Ahgong(:
Is there something you always wear?
Erm. Shorts. Haha.
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Talking to ShiYing and still doing that
Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Erm. I can't remember. I tink it's Candis you know. ON TAGBOARD SOMEMORE LEH. I feel so unloved :( Oh wait. Isit Yijie? Haha.
Did you have an exciting time last weekend?
-.- You say leh
Have you ever crawled through a window?
Nope.
Are you wearing a necklace?
Nah.
Are you an emotional person?
Yesh. My mood swings are crazzehhhh!
What's something that can always make you feel better?
I would love to know(:
Will this weekend be a good one:
IT MUST BE! decentralised service mah. LOL.
What do you want right now?
Erm. Rewind time or smth. But I tink I need sleep more. and medicine for my flu -.-
Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Hmmm. Idk.
Look behind you, what do you see
Bed, Pillow, bolster, BagSSS, Winnie the Pooh, Books, Papers, Wall, Calendars, Table, Onion Rings, Rv Badge, Comb, Hairband....etcetc AIYA. ALOT OF THINGS LAH.
Have you ever worked in a food place?
Nope.
What would you name your future daughter?
Dunno.
Any summer plans for 2009?
over liao leh. But I had lah.
Whats on your schedule for tomorrow?
Erm. training and boring life. Yea OH gymnastics for PE -.-
Does anyone know your facebook password?
NO! MUAHAHA

FINALLY DONE. It's 12 now(: WOW. Anyways, Quiz from Chryst's blog(:

2009-07-01T22:14:00.002+08:00

I wanna really thank the people who have tried to encourage me(: THanks alot I really appreciate it lah. Despite the fact you know I will probably ignore what you say or not really feel that way but you all still try, really touched. Thanks alot.

But I still have to say. You all won't understand how it really is lik unless it happens to you and even if it happens all the circumstances should be the same. And in this case, it's kinda impossible? Idk.

Argh sick now. FLU LIK CRAP. Tmr hope is ok. If not sure kena full force from Mr Quek lah. he confirm scold me de lor.

Haix. Sian lah.

I can't believe I brought myself to do it. And you had lik practically no reaction. No sms. No call. NO NOTHING.

It jus makes me feel all the more worthless. Why? I dunno ok. I dunno. You make me feel lik some trash you toy around with and when you dun want it, you dun say anything. Jus leave it in a corner. What am I to you?

And you know what. I hate what you did to me. Leaving me in the corner liddat. Lik wth. ARE YOU BRENDAN ONG. Freak. Dun give me silent breaks ok. You want it jus say it. What's your prob.

In the end, I did it. So I bet you are damn happy now rite. Good. I want you to be happy anyways. I dun get what is going anymore. And whatever lor. Go and lead your happy life(: Without me. Ok?

I am ver tired already. I tried. I really tried. But I guess, it's really over hur?

Well, I hope without me, you will be happier. Lead your life to the fullest and dun go act gangster you stupeed. I see you changing already. I won't be happy seeing you there. But well. I guess you dun care how I feel anyways.

I remember that last phonecall we had. On 97 bus. It was so awkward. I wanted to say so much. But I didn't want them to know. You were so cold and I dun see what you are so busy about. You know, sometimes, lie smart lah. I ain't an idiot.

And in the end, I emo-ed lik crap, reminiscing all our times together. And while they were talking, chelsea reading book. Idk jialing do what but. Yea. I was thinking about US.

Well. It's over anyways. But I won't stop thinking about us. I dun tink you will though. Rite. I dunno. I wanna find out more from Jie. But haix. She's lik no where to be found. Damnit.

I jus hope this doesn't distract me too much although it already is. I can't sleep cuz I am filled with thoughts about you. I dun listen cuz I am in wonderland thinking about you. I have no mood to do my work because I am upset about this.

Well. This doesn't matter to you anyways. I can act indifferent. But I guess I am jus fooling myself. I can act my days away. Smile and laugh lik nobody's business. But deep inside. I know I am jus kidding myself. I mean. I can sink down straight into lik straight face after laughing/smiling. THat's so.. fake.

Whatever. I lost in this game. Fine. I always do anyways. Kinda used to it hur. I dunwanna be reminded of you whenever I open my wallet but well. I won't take your neoprint out. Because I miss alot.

Well. You dun have that neoprint. both you and kor dun have. Since you all strangely dun wan to decide which ones you want and shan and i end up keeping everything. Good for you then. No memories nothing hur.

I won't take your neoprint out. I won't take out the keychains on my pencilcase(now you know why I dun lik people touching my pencilcase de keychain). I won't take out the handphone strap. I won't take them out.

I won't delete your pictures. I won't do the above. Because, I dun wanna forget about us. Those were nice times. ANd I won't forget.

I guess the best memory is the one in the cinema. Where the 4 of us went and I flooded the cinema and how funnily you handed me the tissue. I will miss that. THe arcade. The macs. I will miss westmall alot. It holds so many memories there.

I jus wanna let you know. You are a great guy. It's jus that you have changed. But I still love you and I hope you will read this but I bet you won't bother. You are great. So go get yourself a better girl or smth(: I will be happy for you.

I'll miss you..

2009-07-01T21:59:00.003+08:00

Ok. It's lik uber unglam lahs. xD Cuz they say what must see the fries. THen got this weird weird picture. HAHA.

This is a nice effect of freeze!! HAHA. He was doing some other action then freeze liddat. DAMN FUNNY!!

Heh. Block my cam. See how long you can last.

I somehow think Janssen looks lik a girl here. Haha.

LOL! This is jus random. I was bored.

HAHAHAHA!!! He didn't even know until I told him lah!! Damn funny can! He looks lik a small kid amazed over something he saw in his phone. LOL!

Haha. This is random xD

HAHAHA! But pity lahs. He go see his wallet. He was looking up de lor.

OK. That's pretty much all I have. Very little lah. Haha. Fun though. Cathy did the magic trick on JunMing xD Nice one

2009-07-01T17:58:00.002+08:00

Suppose that I missed you
Suppose that I care
And suppose that spent all my nights running scared
And suppose that I was never there

In my eyes I'm screaming for a sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you
So I guess I'll be lonely too

Suppose we were happy
Suppose it was true
And suppose there were cold nights,
But we found that waiting through
And suppose that I'm nothing without you

My eyes I'm screaming for a sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you
So I guess I'll be lonely too

Slow way down
This break downs eating me alive
And I'm tired this fire's fighting to survive

Tell me a secret (I want it)
Tell me a story (I need it)
I'll listen intensively
I'll stay awake all night
All of me is a whisper (So don't leave)
There's nothing left in me (Please help me)
Not even my body is strong enough to fight (Let's make this right)
Please help me make this right

Suppose that I was wrong
Suppose you were here
And suppose that I reached out and caught your tears
And suppose this fight just dissapeared

In my eyes I'm screaming for a sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you
So I guess I'll be lonely too
But I'd rather be here with you

Secondhand Serenade - Suppose

Go on, lead your life. I guess it's all over. I guess. This is it. Well. I'll miss you. But be happy. I still love you. And that's why I decided to let go.

2009-06-30T22:21:00.002+08:00

I kinda hate you.

I mean. Lik. Comeon. Stop being so wishy washy and drag the entire on lik i did ok?

Jus answer one question and it's enough. What's so damn difficult about it?

I dun lik the fact that you are on my mind all the time. In a negative way. I dun lik it.

You have changed from how I first knew you. And it seems. As though you are another person totally. I really really dun lik it.

And now I am faced with a question, YES or NO.

Since you dun wanna do it. I guess it's up to me.

Well. I dunno. I still love you, jerk. But well. I guess, maybe. This is the end for us.

I see no point hanging on. But i love you oh so much to let go. If it pleases you, FINE.

I will go and be that one. I will go emo and whatever. So that you can be happy. I hope you will be happier without me.

I guess I wasn't good enough. I AM not good enough. I am jus bad ain't I? I hope you are happier without me. I hope you will forget me.

And i hope. I can bring myself to forget you.

2009-06-30T00:33:00.003+08:00

[Intro]
Yeah
I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what'd daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
Whatchu crying about?
You got me.

[Verse 1]
Hailie, I know u miss your mom
And I know u miss your dad when I'm gone
But I'm tryin' to give you the life that I never had
I can see your sad
Even when you smile
Even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes
Deep inside you wanna cry
Cuz you're scared
I ain't there,
Daddy's with you in your prayers
No more cryin'
Wipe them tears
Daddy's here
No more nightmares
We gonna pull together through it
We gon' do it
Lainie's uncle's crazy ain't he, yeah
But he loves you girl and you better know it
We're all we got in this world
When it spins
When it swirls
When it whirls
When it twirls
Two little beautiful girls
Lookin' puzzled, in a daze
I know it's confusing you
Daddy's always on the move
Mama's always on the news
I try to keep you sheltered from it
But somehow it seems, the harder that I try to do that
The more it backfires on me
All the things, growin' up
As daddy, daddy had to see
Daddy don't want you to see
But you see just as much as he did
We did not plan it to be this way,
Your mother and me
But things have got so bad between us
I don't see us ever being
Together ever again
Like we used to be like when we was teenagers
But then of course
Everything always happen for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something
We have no control over
And that's what destiny is
But no more worries
Rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we'll wake up
And this will all just be a dream

[Chorus]
Now hush little baby don't you cry
Every thing's gonna be all right
Stiffin' that upper lip up little lady I told ya
Daddy's here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy
Pretty baby but I promise, Mama's gon' be alright

[Verse two]
It's funny,
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck 'em under the tree
And said some of 'em were from me,
Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em
I'll never forget that Christmas
I sat up the whole night crying
Cuz daddy felt like a bum,
See daddy had a job, but his job
Was to keep the food on the table for you and mom
And at the time every house that we lived in
Either kept getting broken into and robbed or shot up on the block
And your mom, was saving money for you in a jar
Tryna to start a piggy bank for you
So you could go to college
Almost had a thousand dollars'
Till someone broke in and stole it
And I know it hurt so bad it broke your mamma's heart
And it seemed like everything was just starting to fall apart
Mom and dad was arguing a lot
So mama moved back on to Chalmers in a flat
One bedroom apartment
And dad moved back to the other side of 8 mile on Novara
And that's when daddy went to California with his CD
And met Dr. Dre and flew you and Mama out to see me,
But daddy had to work, you and mama had to leave me,
Then you started seeing daddy on the TV
And mama didn't like it
And you and Lainnie were too young to understand it
Papa was a rollin' stone, mama developed a habit
And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it
I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it firsthand
Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I'm sittin' in this empty house,
Just reminiscing.
Looking at your baby pictures it just tricks me out
To see how much you both have grown it's almost like you're sisters now
Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy's still here
Lainnie I'm talking to you too daddy's still here
I like the sound of that, yeah
It's got a ring to it don't it
Shhh, mama's only gone for the moment

[Chorus]
Now hush little baby don't you cry
Every thing's gonna be all right
Stiffin' that upper lip up little lady I told ya
Daddy's here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy
Pretty baby but I promise, mama's gon' be alright

[End chorus]
And if you ask me to, daddy's gonna buy you a mocking bird
I'ma give you the world,
I'ma buy a diamond ring for you,
I'ma sing for you,
I'll do anything for you to see you smile
And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine
I'ma break that birdie's neck,
I'll go back to the jeweler
Who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat
Don't fuck with Dad (ha ha)

2009-06-28T16:46:00.003+08:00

I saw this on Zi's blog. So cute. Haha :D Nope, it ain't me :D But the last line is damn funny. Cuz it's the typical line xD

dear friend :)
when you read these words,
chances are that i'll be sitting here thinking of you,
as i so often do.
when thoughts of you come my way,
when you read these words,
i hope you'll think,
just for a moment,
how much you mean to me,
and how much you always will.
And when you continue on
with the things you need to be doing in your day,
smile a smile for me,
and remember that i'll be thinking of you still
many a times things happen in life..
there's no specific reason why they happen
but we can decide how to react to these circumstances.
people have the amazing ability to express themselves:)
and it is beautiful when you can get a relationship to work.
(though i understand that it hurts a hell lot when they don't)
be it friendship or the love for your family members,
your attitude plays an important role.
love, goodness, kindness... they begin with a choice and they need time to develop.
which is whey they are called Fruits of the Spirit rather than gifts.
friend,
you know i'm talking to you :)
it's inevitable that we go through things in life,
but we need to learn to make these stumbling blocks into stepping stones,
make this mess, a message.
we need to learn to let go, and let God
we need to learn to open our hearts and be willing to trust.
it will not be easy..
it's a fact.
but know that God is our wall, our pillar of strength, our refuge, our stronghold.
when u need help,
ask :)
that's what cell groups are for.
this is why it's called a Family.
not a gathering or a group,
but it's a place where we help each other when we go through that valley in life.
dear friend, jiayou:)
anything, same ol' line.
call me :) or bennie. or aw or jessie.
that's what friends are for :)

2009-06-28T16:14:00.002+08:00

HOHOHO. I am lik one year old already:D Todays my birthday. Wish me happy birthday people(:

Well.. I dun really know why this holidays I have been so unhappy. Cuz the previous one cheered me up.

Well. Term 1, my probs were mostly, SCHOOL BASED. Now, it's lik all over the place. So yea.

Homework's screwed and well, I dun really wanna do anything anymore. I am soooo siann. I tink I screwed my homework lah. Lik seriously.

GEOG PROJECT - idk what's it lik now.
WRITE POEM(MYLIFE) - screwed lah. I never do. What ou wan me to say bout my life? That I am emo? -.-
Reader's passport - Oh. This one. Confirm die de.
Physics worksheet - anyhow do = SCREWED
history - SCREWED
Maths Rev Exercise - Lik. I hate Maths. I fail de lor.
Maths Project - I have no idea.
Journals - Haven copy from com yet. And I wrote crap anyways.
du hou gan - Where the hell isit?
chinese story ppt - Never do
wen gao - never do
ke wan lian xi - screwed it big time.
memorise gu shi - can't remember
memorise chengyu - haven even started

So yea. My homework's pretty much screwed. I tink I am gonna flunk it all. Shit. Sian lor.

AND SCHOOL RESUMES TMR. I dun wan go back lah. Sitting there doing nothing but stone and listen to the teacher drone. What life is that.

And esp at this kinda time of the year, where my mood is "SO DAMN GOOD". Heh. Later stonestone than dunno do what and scare chels half to death.

I dun wanna go back to school in this kinda mood lah. I won't be in learning mode and I will lik shut down lor. If not, than it's back to masks. Heh. Pathetic.

School life's so sian. But I tink lah. THe moment I resolve my probs than maybe I will be happier. BUT. I still think the prob lies with me somewhere. So the problem's never gonna resolve. GREAT.

Oh and if you do realise, there's a change in the way I blog now. Because my attitude's kinda changed. I tink can tell the diff bah. Idk.

Anyways. THe main focus of this post is that it's my birhday!! SO WISH ME HAPPYBIRTHDAY! :D

HOHOHO. I am one year old ;D

2009-06-26T02:31:00.003+08:00

Ok. it has been lik one week since i posted. So I amback. Well. I dun really feel lik blogging anymore nowdays. I mean. I have people putting restrictions on what I can blog about and what I cannot blog about.

I dunno if those 2 people read my blog anot and I dun wanna private my blog cuz it's so troublesome. I have to go invite people. I need to invite lik onethousand people or smth. RV people, SAPS ppl, church, friends from here and there. GAGAA.

So sian lah. I dun lik it. I mean. It's my blog and I am given restrictions to it. WTH. I dunno if this person is reading this but hell. I hate it lah.

But well, thanks. For being 'observant' enough to realise some things are wrong. Well, ya. Not some. But practically everything. Every aspect lah. Whatever.

Thanks lor. But seriously, it felt weird. You doing that. Heh. Thanks for not probing further. Thanks for.. er. Idk.

Actually, do you know you have changed me so bloody much? I mean. Yea. It's all for good causes. but. I dunno. I dun really lik it lah. PLS NOTE. I didn't like the previous me either. But, this one, not much diff.

I dunno what I am feeling also. One part of me wanna thank you for helping me improve. The other jus hates you for changing me so much.

GOSH. Gagagaga. Life is complicated nowadays. And I dun really wanna go back to school and sit in that stupeed classroom with some other people around and we are all staring at the teacher. Bleh.

I dun lik ONEJAY lah. I dunno why. I tink it's jus my mental problem. I'm abit crazy in the head already. So seriously, ignore. I lik the individual people in onejay but I dun lik the class. Sian lah.

I dunno what's the problem with me also lah. I dun tink term 3 and 4 is gonna be good lah. Lik come on. I have so much crap that even when Mr Quek talking I dare to go and dream off and think about it. When running, these probs are all in my mind.

I wanna solve them all. And I wanna start with Relationships. Cuz all my relationships are breaking down. I dun lik that. I feel so out all the time lah. Eeeck. Every weekend when I tink of BS, before I started I was so excited. After that still excited. Now it's lik I dun have the mood for BS you know. WTH is that lahh.

I feel lik I am going to church for the sake of going and inviting people for the sake of inviting. Because of everything else, I dun even feel lik serving God. Wth.

What crap is this.

*randoom: Sorry for the genre of posts these daysss*

Anyways, Erm. Ok. I dunno. I can't really post normally anymore. Thanks to this person. And the restriction is lik crazy cuz this thing is practically part of everyday life. Sian lah. Whatever. I shall jus close my blog again.

I realise I always close my blog for a period of time every year. DIAO. Idk. Leave it to die maybe. I feel so out of life lah. So I dun wanna care. I hate the people who betrayed my trust and make me lik this now.

That I can't share ANYTHING at all. Cuz it feels too weird. Freak.freak.freak.freak. I hate you people. Whoever you are.

Oh and I jus remembered. Last year, those 4-6 people were damn good. Lik, I told one of you this and another of you that than you all pro lor. EXCHANGE INFO. Wth. You think puzzle ah. Fix the pieces together. Wth.

DUn care anymore. Shall go do other stuff. BYEEE

2009-06-18T09:30:00.002+08:00

Went to Zi's blog just now and saw this video of Pastor Kong's 2008 birthay celebration in church. It brought back all the memories of going to church last year with...

Haizzz.. I miss her..

She could be irritating but well, it's all for the fun of it. She was there, she taught me, she cared for me.

Haizzz.. I sorta feel indebted to her. SHe brought me to CHC. She intro-ed me. She changed me.

ANd I really really miss her.. So so much..

Going to the big big expo auditorium. Sitting with Callob and the rest, listening to Pastor Kong preach. Late night dinners with her. I remember that one time..

Went to the Riverwalk area to eat. Was the fish thingy place. Celebrated Callob's birthday there too. It was such an enjoyable day.

I remember last day of school. I said I wouldn't cry. I told myself I wouldn't. Not because of her. I won't.

As I looked at her at the last few minutes of the day, as I thought back, I couldn't help it, but yeah, I cried.

So little time.. But so many many things. Oh. I miss her a lot.. I miss her alot... But I am glad. That she's not worried about me.

That to her, I am OK. I am glad. I wouldn't want to trouble her anymore than what I have already did. I am glad she's still her usual chirpy style. I am glad.

She's not burdened by me anymore. I am glad(:

But.. I still miss her.. And I dun forget any one of the special moments. Thw words she said, yea, I remember them.

I miss you..

2009-06-16T23:26:00.002+08:00

~~Overseas(11/12 - 14; Indonesia)~~
Outing with 3 special people (friday.. hopefully can go. x.x)
~~Outing with year 1 carrots? (movie; this friday (:)~~
Outing with clique(third week..?) (got hope?)
Outing with W449 ; farmart kind(:
~~Outing with Mummy!! (shopping trip xD)~~
Carrots outing (monday.. dk can go not.)
Darlingz Outing xD (got hope?)
~~Outing with Chryst lah!!!/s>~~
~~6/1'08 class outing^^(this wed.. oh no)~~
~~Him^^(tentative; prob third week onwards..)~~
~~ONEJAY Class outing(tmr!!)~~
~~茶馆(tis wednesday)~~
~~Homwork week(in the process)~~
~~Escape Theme(maybe not..)~~
~~East Coast(!!)(6/1'08 & ONEJAY class outing^^)~~
BS!! :D(in the process)
~~Track&Field camp?(isit on or off)~~
Trainings(in the process..)
~~MOVIES!!(friday^^)~~
Slack times (heh. NOT POSSIBLE..)
CHURCH:D(in the process)

So yea Idk how I can finish all that in lik 2 weeks. GOSH. clique outing.. arrange? darlingz leh? haiz. no life man me.

2009-06-16T22:32:00.003+08:00

YOU IDIOT!! I HATE YOU!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME GO THROUGH ALL THIS!! JUST GET OVER AND DONE WITH IT!!! I HATE YOU!!!

*cools down*

Ohmygosh. All the various signs just point to one thing. And yet, avoiding me ain't gonna solve any problem you know?

I dunno what you are up to. Doing all these things. Wth are you tryingto do?

Lik damn it. I dunno what I want you to do also. I want you to end my suffering and pain and get on with it. But yet, it will cause another round of suffering and pain. And I jus wanna hang on..

I know I am stupeed. I can give a thousand and one peoploe advice but when it comes to myself, I am always not practising what I preach. Gosh.

I dunno. You seem lik a different person. Well, I seem the same cuz I pretty much hide the rest. But, yes. I am different. But you, I dunno. What happen? I hate this kinda situation where everything happens without me knowing why.

Oh freak lah. What's wrong!!

You jus get me stuck in this bloody position where I dunno what to do.

I have to hide all of my tears with fakes smiles and laughter. I have to pretend like nothing's hapening and try to blend in with the pack. I cannot let myself idle or I will think of this. Everything I do. I have to make an attempt not to show this side of me.

It's so damn tiring you know.

I dunno bout you. Maybe you are struggling too. But I just remembered. All those promises you made. Oh. Hell with it. I don't trust ANYONE now. Lik freak. Stop giving me empty promises. But well, I can't blame you.. I was naive enough to believe them. Wth.

Are you thinking bout what to do? Or what. You dun wanna seem lik the bad person so you wan me to do all the nasty stuff?

I am such a different person from the one on my blog.. Pttf. There are so mnay sides of me. And I want my hyper side. I dun wanna act it you know. I hate tht. Such hypocrisy acts. They digust me and I am digusted with myself.

Oh ya. It's true.

I AM DIGUSTED WITH MYSELF.

I think all my problems.
I think of all my pain.
I think of all my sorrows,
Until i go insane.

I think of all the smiles I've worn,
Which hide sorrows underneath.
No one seemsto notice,
That i go through so much grief.

My tears seem to keep flowing,
Inside my eyes.
Each time I want to tell you,
My words come out as lies.

These days I'm feeling distant,
Far away and weak.
My sadness pulls me further,
From the happiness I seek.

I've just begun to realize,
That my hopes and dreams are gone,
I'm walking down a dead-end road,
Humming a tuneless song.

I'm standing on a rooftop,
Although I'm scared of heights,
I'm watching the cars beneath me move,
And somehow this doesn't feel right.

Now I think of what I'm doing,
I know I should find a way,
To beat through my depression,
Will I be able to someday?

Someone might be there,
To help me make it through,
Maybe they will listen,
And tell me what to do.

I'm seeing through the darkness,
And I'm starting to trust a few,
I think I'll try to make it,
So I can be there for them,too.

THe front part of this makes sense lah. Try to get what I am saying lah. Whatever. I just wanna give up. In fact. I think I already did. OH BTW, POEM IS FROM JOEL'S BLOG^^ MY KORKOR

2009-06-15T17:47:00.002+08:00

Today was well, tiring. The past 3 days I have only slept for lik 4hrs on average. Sian.

not really in the mood to come and post these days. Idk lah. Lost interest in so many things already lah.

I feel lik closing everything. And never go bother again. So tired..

I feel so fake whenever I am around other people.

I pretend so much. I act so much. I hide so much. Maybe that's why my relationships are all breaking down.

To me now, everything is so damn different. So veryvery different. And people all over the place think I am an idiot and I dun understand what their actions mean.

Damn it. I ain't no idiot ok!! Freak. YOU. You can't even answer simple yes/no questions. You hang up my calls, you don't pick them up. It tells me a lot and fuck. You know what. If you wanna do it, DO IT!!

Maybe it delights you that I am in such pain. Do you know how much I hate you!! Why can't you just bloody hell answer my questions and do whatever you want with me and save me from this pain and agony!! I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU!!

You too. All you do all day long is pretend pretend pretend! You tink I dunno you yet? I KNOW!! I may not know what's going on. And I am fully ok with the fact that you dun wanna open up to me but. FUCK. DON'T BLOODY HELL TREAT ME LIKE AN IDIOT!

I hate you too you know. Why can't you bloody hell just stop doing that? I am in no position to scold you as I myself do tha all the time. I shut myself from others but DAMN. DON'T FOLLOW ME CAN!!

I know I have lik influence you so much that I hate myself to the bloody core of the earth. Freak. You shouldn't have known me. Let me rot. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE. Because, you didn't manage to get me out. I just sucked you into my eternal black hole. FREAK.

And you know what? I reallyreally don't have faith in anything. And God is like the only thing left. My last hope. Because there is nothing else I can rely on and it's just God and me. So if I don't believe Him. If I don't trust Him. I dunno what I would be.

SO ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO DESPISE MY GOD, GET AWAY FROM ME. Cause now, He's the only one that's holding me up. If you wanna take the crutch away from the broken legged, FINE.

I don't wana lose faith in Him. So now do you know how much he matters to me? So now, go away and stop trying to seperate me and Him.

Everything around me is such a mad blur. And I feel lik I am gonna faint and die or smth anytime soon. I don't like this feeling AT ALL. Get that straight.

I hate it that everything around me is so crappy. I hate it!! I hate the fact that I am allowing things to happen and since I have lost heart, all I do is just sit back and watch how my life gets ruined by bits and pieces of crap.

I have no appetite but is still eating to fill my hungry stomach now. And the more I eat, the more i wanna throw it all up.

I hate everyone lying and pretending nothing is wrong. I HATE IT. I am so filled with hate... I just wanna give up on everything...

I feel so empty. Everything has changed. I dun like the way things are. And I dun really like the fect that you people have to think I am ok. You people just keep thinking so highly of me. I dun like it. I DON'T.

Whatever. I am used to it anyways. It has always been liddat.

Life's been so busy and hectic that I have no time to manage myself and now I am in such crap. I feel so tired, so lifeless, so dead. I hate everything i have to deal with. You know what? I am so tired, I shall go and try to sleep. See if it works. I ran out of ideas.

2009-06-14T22:07:00.003+08:00

NO.NO.NO.

I don't want it to happen. This has been what I was afraid of for so long.. NO.

I dun wanna let history repeat itself. I dunwanna go through all that again. NO!!!

Pls don't do this to me. Pls. Pls.

Not now. I know it was my fault. I am sorry. Give e a chance. PLS. Don't do this to me. I have enough to deal with. Enough.

Pls.. I dunno. But. Don't let history repeat itself.

I am scared. I am really scared. Your actions tells me so so much. I can see it coming but I don't wan it to happen.

You can't even answer such simple questions. It tells quite a lot. I am not stupeed.

You know what. I don't care anymore. Since I have so much crap already, another one from you won't matter. Whatever. Jus throw all your crap on me.

I don't care anymore.

Pain, tears. I don't think they mean much to me now. Whatever. Since it has been so long. So be it. I don't care.

And yet. No. How can I not care.

I dunno. I am jus damndamn confused. I don't want to care. But it's not possible. Oh crap. I hate this.

2009-06-11T08:44:00.002+08:00

No matter how hard a person tried to hide, I am sure, here and there, they will show signs of their problems.

That person may appear to have no problem whatsoever when talking to you, interacting with you. But if you jus stand back and look at her, you can see. Just how lost she looked.

I remember how she looked. That expression. There was no possible way, you could say she was ok. And yet, some people do.

And I began to think. The people around me, what group do you belong to?

If my blog doesn't exist at all. What kind of person do you see? My friends, families, whatever, have you seen anything? As compared to me, I hardly know that person. I only know her name. And yet, I knew. Something was wrong somewhere.

You people who have been by me for so long. Do you know?

You can't say I hide it all too well. I know myself. Yea, I hide alot, but this year, I've shown alot. And now I wonder. How can some people, they are jus rite there and they can say they DUNNO!

Well, it proves one thing doesn't it? I dun matter at all. THey dun even bother paying the slightest attention to me. There was such a big comotion, and they can say they didn't know. Wth. Am I supposed to believe that? I guess so.

Am I that insignificant in your life that you won't even bother to pay attention to such a commotion caused by me?

Of course, things were different then. Some stuff happened and blahblah. But. I dunno.

Looking back at my past, I realised, I have changed so much already. SO MUCH. Even from last year. I have changed. ALOT..

But so what? It doesn't really matter does it?

I am so bloody tired of having to do this all the time. I have to hide myself so much. Why? You might ask. Well, it's because, I can't let them know. But is happening. I guess it's a once bitten, twice shy kinda thing.

I dunno. I jus dun wanna let history repeat itself. I've had enough of all the crap people can give me. And I feel lik diverting to a different topic now but. Whatever. I dun care.

I hate it when people do things without considering MY feelings when they dunno wth happened and how hard I tried and how much I had to consider their feelings. Yet, to them, I dun matter.

THey do all sorts of thigns they want. And the ultimate motive is still to hurt me, oh why? Because I've hurt them in all the little tiny ways.

I reallyreallyreally dun get it. If you hate me. Tell me straight. Dun go do this do that. Oh pls. The stupidest of idiots would understand.

I really dunno now. I dunno. I feel so bloody weak. I want to know. WHY. WHY ISIT LIK THIS.

6months in RV and I really dun tink, there are friends for me out there. Because all these FRIENDS do is be by me when I am happy, then go offbeing jealous, hating me, hearing rumours and some of them jus comfort. And then, they go.

I dun need all that you know. I thank those who are slightly concerned. Who bother to comfort. But, I dun need this short period of time thingy. I need someone who can really stayby me and help me.

Now do you know how alone I feel?

Or do you know how it feels lik when your friends leave one by one and you're the only one left. Feeling sorry for yourself, hiding in a corner, lik a little kitten who's licking her wounds.

I am so tired.. So tired...

I've lost quite a bit of blogging interest already and I feel so privating my blog or something lah. If what one of my friends said was true. Well, I dunno. I would have to clarify. But if it's true. Yea. I will probablly close the blog. Such a pity though.. Haizzz...

I guess I lost faith in a lot of things. But I haven't lost faith in God and go do my facebook quiz. I wan see how many people actually know me well. la. So far, I highest score is 20% and I only have 10 questions..

2009-06-10T18:58:00.002+08:00

Oh gosh. I feel so damn disconnected from the world. I dunno. I seem so lost. I feel so lost. Everything feels so distanced to me. I dunno.

Everyone who once seemed close is now so far. Everyone seems to be going away from me. Everyone seems so cold.

People whom I thought I knew, showed me sides I didn't knew. Secrets are being kept. Lies are being told. What is this? I dunno. I dun feel lik I am in this world at all. I feel so non existent. Lik I am here and people jus acknowledge me but dun pay attention to me.

What's wrong with me. I dunno why I keep feeling this way. I dun wanna feel so lonely out in this world but.. Nothing and nobody's helping.

Lonely, scared, cold. I feel so. Isit me who have distanced myself from others? But.. I dun even feel that I am happy when there are people around me. I feel so cold and aloof. Lik I am some freak standing out from the rest of world.

Why? Why is this so. Can someone pls help me. I dun feel warmth anymore. I want it...

2009-06-10T15:00:00.002+08:00

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: I tink it's water..?
2. Last phone call: From Bennie(: The miss call would be Shannon lor(:
3. Last text message: Er.. Shannon(:
4. Last song you listened to: It's not over by Secondhand Serenade
5. Last time you cried: Dun ask. But should be ytd. Haha. No cab.. :(

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: Nope..
7. Been cheated on: Er..? I dunno. Yes in a weirdweird way.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Nope.
9. Lost someone special: Duh lahs. This obvious can.
10. Been depressed: No. I haven't -.- Have lahh.
11. Been drunk and threw up: Nope.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. Black
13. Grey
14. Blue

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: Ya. In fact one whole class and many many more.
16. Fallen out of love: I dunno.. It's weird
17. Laughed until you cried: I dunno. I haven't been that hapy for a long time..
18. Met someone who changed you: I dunno. I know last year confirm have. This year... I dunno.
19. Found out who your true friends were: I dun really know yet. But currently, W449's there(:
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. I used to it le lahs. Whatever. Hypocrites.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: No.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Lol. All lahs. I know everyone on my friends list.. Hmmm... Aren't they on my friends list because they are my friends?!?!
23. How many kids do you want to have: 2? Idk. Too young to tink.
24. Do you have any pets: YES!! 3 dogs. MUAHAHA.
25. Do you want to change your name: Nope. But I wanta a middle name from baptism(:
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Ran slowly at a competition, almost cried, celebrated crazily with carrots<3333
27. What time did you wake up today: 6a.m.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Almost sleeping. But I remember I sms yueyin(:
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Baptismmm. I WANNNN!! But obviously can't. So for now, it's this coming service..
30. Last time you saw your Mother: This morn before I go out for PM.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I dunno. There are too many things I wanna change..
32.What are you listening to right now? Secondhand Serenade - It's not over
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: No..
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: MY TANGLED EARPIECE!!
35. Most visited webpage: Blog ba.
36. Whats your real name: Quah YanTing, Valencia
37. Nicknames: Er... A lot lah
38. Relationship Status: I dunno.
39. Zodiac sign: Rat/Pig
40. Male or female?: Female
41. Primary School?: St.Anthony's Primary School<333333333
42. Secondary School?: River Valley High School(:
43. Junior college?: Not that old
44. Hair colour: Black, brown, golden, red. I dunno. People say de. Haha.
45. Long or short: Long
46. Height: 170cm at the start of the year.
47. Do you have a crush on someone? Now ah? Dunno. Haha
49. Piercings: Nope.
50. Tattoos: Nope.
51. Righty or lefty: Righty
52. First surgery: Ermm.. Last year June. Can consider surgery lah. But it's not opening of anything. I open. Doctor close.. Lol.
53. First piercing: Dun have lahh.
54. First best friend: Am I supposed to count it lik when I am mature or anytime? When young is ZhengFeng? Idk nia. When Mature: Shannon ba(:
55. First sport you joined: Running lor. Track & Field(:
56. First vacation: Er.. To Johor when I was a baby. Haha.
58. First pair of trainers: I dunno. Haha. When I join track ba. Before that as a young girl, looks lik dun have trainers de...
59. Eating: Choco!!
60. Drinking: Nothing.
61. I'm about to: Eat another choco
62. Listening to: Secondhand Serenade - It's not over
63. Waiting on: ? Dunno.

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: Too young to tink xD
65. Get Married?: ya.. I dun wan be lonely. Haha.
66. Career?: Er... I dunno seh. Haha. But I tink I wan be teacher(: Maybe counsellor la.

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses: Hugs.
69. Shorter or taller: Taller. HAHA. I am tall mah.
70. Older or Younger: Younger. When you growup/ older then things change lah.
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice stomach.
73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Trouble Maker.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: NO.
77. Drank hard liquor: I not even allowed to drink Jolly Shandy(however you spell it)
78. Lost glasses/contacts: Nope. Broke glasses yes lah.
79. Sex on first date: NO.
80. Broken someone's heart: Ya.. Haizz..
82. Been arrested: Nope.
83. Turned someone down: Yea. Those times...
84. Cried when someone died: Er... Thinkthinkthink.. I tink have ba. Lol..
85. Fallen for a friend?: Yea.. Haizzz..

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: No.. Not really :(
87. Miracles: Yea :D
88. Love at first sight: Not really.
89. Heaven: YESYESYES!!!
90. Santa Claus: Er.. No. I ain't a little 3 year old anymore.
91. Kiss on the first date: No.
92. Angels: YESYESYES!!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Yes.. Haizzz. Dun wanna talk bout it.
95. Did you sing today?: Yup. It's not over and worship song in PM(:
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: Lol. Er. No bahs. Oh wait. I tink yes.. Haizz..
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: I dunno. I wanna go back and redo lots of stuff but.. I dunno.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: Last year? Wah. Idk sia. Last year was so damn crazy.. I wan relive lots of days lahh..
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: Yea.. I am quite scared now..
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: Nope. It's 98 truths(:

It's not 100 truths lah. Q81 and Q57 gone lors. This quiz brings back memories. Damnit. Anyways, taken from WeiYang's blog(: Ahgong(:

2009-06-10T14:34:00.002+08:00

Ok. Post. Haha. I already MIA so long from blogging. Sad lahs. Post bout ytd then bout mon ba(:

I didn't go for prayer meeting.. Haven ask mummy for permission. So never go.. After that I woke up at lik 9.30 and rushed to get ready cuz got training at 11 at CCAB lahs.

Went out and then called Joanne and she tolod me that the bus was 1hour liddat. I totally shocked lik crazy. Hang up and then almost cried liao lor. Very upset. Then I go down cab rite, there wasn't any cab for a period of time and I cried lor.

I was really dunno what la. I cried and then got cab, then cab down to ccab. Wah. Spent lik 14.40 on cab.. My money!! T.T Sad lor. Swimming training was kinda fun lah. I wore my weirdweird swimming costume.

Swimming the length was lik uber scary lahs. Suddenly so deep de... 4m.. I can die de lehhh.

After that go bath, debrief, then go eat at clementi with the sec3s. Ate the 5.90 meal and my wallet inside at first got $30 de in the end only left $10.. T.T

After eating, talking, joking, we left the place and then yueyin realised she lost her wallet, so went back to find it. In the end, cannot find. Then we called here and there and alot of stuff lah. Decided to go back to subway to try to find. But dun have.

Then Joanne got 电 by this guy working at subway. xD HAHAHAHA. uber funny la that one. I kept laughing at her xD

After that we went out to go make police report since her IC was in the walllet then while walking saw MR BOEY!!! Omg. I miss his lessons man.. :(

Then Joanne say Mr Boey 壮 leh. Haha. Then I go say she got 电 by Mr Boey also. UBER FUNNY LAH!! Haha.

Then the 4 of us went to the police station and made police report. Blahblah. There was this bird outside the police station that cannot fly. Then I managed to touch it. Post pics later.

After the entire thing, chionged home and then post alittle.

After that went out to JurongPoint ate at pizzahut(: I was uber full. The oriental chicken thingy is nice!!

Haha. Anyways, went shopping awhile and spent money again. This time is mummy's money.. :(

After that go home then Idk do what le lahs.

I find my posting so weird here... Idk why. Bu not lik my usual posting style. Whatever. Not in a very good mood i guess.

2009-06-10T10:23:00.004+08:00

I can't say how screwed up I am now. I dunno. I feel as though the whole world is gonna crash. No. Dun tink what you are thinking. This is no relationships problem, family problem, school and whatever crap. You know nothing so jus STFU.

I am so bloody screwed up. I dunno what to do. Oh Gosh. Shit this. It's my fault to begin with. I can't blame anyone else. But oh fuck. I am damndamn screwed up. You dunno how bad it is.

--------------------------------------------------

~~Overseas(11/12 - 14; Indonesia)~~
Outing with 3 special people
~~Outing with year 1 carrots? (movie; this friday (:)~~
Outing with clique(third week..?)
Outing with W449 ; farmart kind(:
~~Outing with Mummy!! (shopping trip xD)~~
Carrots outing
Darlingz Outing xD
Outing with Chryst lah!!!
~~6/1'08 class outing^^(this wed.. oh no)~~
~~Him^^(tentative; prob third week onwards..)~~
~~ONEJAY Class outing(tmr!!)~~
~~茶馆(tis wednesday)~~
~~Homwork week(in the process)~~
~~Escape Theme(maybe not..)~~
~~East Coast(!!)(6/1'08 & ONEJAY class outing^^)~~
BS!! :D(in the process)
~~Track&Field camp?(isit on or off)~~
Trainings(in the process..)
~~MOVIES!!(friday^^)~~
Slack times
CHURCH:D(in the process)

Alot of stuff done. But still got alot haven do. Sian diao lah. I dunno. I am so screwed I dun feel lik doing anything. Will post again later.

2009-06-07T13:23:00.002+08:00

AHHHH!!! BIGBIGBIG NEWS!! :D

I JUS FOUND OUT THAT.....

THERE IS NEW MOON!!!! WHOOOOOO!!!

Ok. I know I am lik slow la. But. OMGOMOMGOGOMGOMG!!! :D

Got alot of nicenice shows coming up. THere's Harry Potter and half blood prince also!!!

GAGAGAGAGAGA!!! I am so excited jus thinking bout all the movies!! Lik, I dun care. I will make sure I watch NewMoon and HarryPotter!!

WHHHEEEEEEEE!!!

I am damndamn hyper and excited now. Wah. You know hor. If got NewMoon rite. THen I wonder... Breaking Dawn how film sia. HAHA. Anyways. Nice. It's uber nice. MOVIES, HERE I COME!!! Haha.

-------------------------------------

Ok. My hols plans are kinda screwed. I have to miss some things for others. Sad. Sorry seh. So now this is my list.

~~Overseas(11/12 - 14; Indonesia)~~
Outing with 3 special people(confirmed wednesday^^)
~~Outing with year 1 carrots? (movie; this friday (:)~~
Outing with clique(third week..?)
Outing with W449 ; farmart kind(:
Outing with Mummy!! (shopping trip xD)
Carrots outing
Darlingz Outing xD
Outing with Chryst lah!!!
6/1'08 class outing^^(this wed.. oh no)
Him^^(tentative; prob third week onwards..)
ONEJAY Class outing(tmr!!)
~~茶馆(tis wednesday)~~
~~Homwork week(in the process)~~
~~Escape Theme(maybe not..)~~
East Coast(!!)(6/1'08 & ONEJAY class outing^^)
BS!! :D(in the process)
~~Track&Field camp?(isit on or off)~~
Trainings(in the process..)
~~MOVIES!!(friday^^)~~
Slack times
CHURCH:D(in the process)

So yea. WHHHEEEE!! :D Haha. I am excited:D

2009-06-06T20:39:00.002+08:00

Everything is like so screwed. Oh gosh. Lik, I dunno. I jus feel lik a total failure. I know I shouldn't be lik this and all. But. I really can't help it.

I dunno. Lik, I'm such a total failure at being a chairperson. I am so damn freaking slow at cross. I dunno. I jus feel lik disheartened. And my sensitivity is making everything worse by increasing the feeling of rejection.

Oh Gosh. Help.

Lik. I dunno lah. I feel so disconnected from everybody. Lik, my clique's not a clique with people drifting and people getting unhappy all the time.

My darlingz are close and I am lik the one left out.

I dunno you know. I jus feel so damndamn tired and wornout by everything. I dun wanna care anymore. But, how can I not?

I have people lying to me right through their teeth. I have people who seem to be so close to be but are actually lying. WHat is this.

I feel so stressed out. I really dunno. Just so many mixed emotions. THe feeling of fear, of failure , of disappointment, of rejection, of whatever rubbish.

Oh God, help.

I really dun wanna slip back to that state of crap. Just because I put on a brave front doesn't mean I am ok. Why do you always tink that I am ok and that she isn't. Yeayea. Jealous or whatever. Fine.

I dunno lah. I have so many different feelings that I dun even know what I am really feeling. Damn it. Help me. Save me.

2009-06-03T16:58:00.003+08:00

Ok... I know it has been a thousand and one years since I've posted a long pot so here I am!! :D Haha.

Past few days were hectic and nuts. Haha. Well, today was uber fun although emo at parts. But :D, life's better with a smile(random.. xD)

Ok. So I was awoken by my nicenice handphone alarm and seriously, Richard's song is uberuber noisy kind. Haha. Nice. At least I can wake up. Went to wash up and eat Kokokrunch(: Wheee!

After that go personalise ePortfolio again. Haha. I make until damn different from the usual boring one le-s. Haha :D

After that go bath and then changed and rushed out of the house lah. Haha. LOLs. Sat on the train reading the book while listening to Ipod and i seriously doubt I hear anything at all. Hahas.

After that reach Outram le and then go out and saw lik quite a number of onejay-ians. Then most of the people reach le. Only Kellie, Aaron and Miss Yu. Then Miss Yu came liao. After that realised Aaron not coming. Then Vivianwong go bring kellie while we went to the chaguan.

So, watched this funnyfunny video. haha. The 香囊 is nice to make. Haha. Accept that I cannot tie. LMAOs.

After that was the cha thingy and omg damn fun lah. Haha. NICE EXPERIENCE. After the entire thing, then Miss Yu go bring 1B lah then we down there slack, then camwhored. Haha. Got quite a number of pics. Post later(:

Oh. We got eat dumpling also. Nice :D I first time eat lors. Pro. Haha.

After that go liao then we were lik deciding so long where to go for lunch. Lols ritez. After that finally decide go JP. Then on the train lik emoemo abit after that then talk then go Pizzahut for lunch.

Fun lah over there. Got 7 people, JiaHui, Me, YiJie Chelsea, YueNing, YiLin & Maggie^^ SiWai and Maxine went off to meet the girlguides people for dunno what.

Then we ate and I ate the quickest!! :D HEHEH. THe mushroom soup uberuberuber nice can!! Haha. Damn damn nice. The pizza was nice also. Haha. After that ordered the sweet&spicy wing which wasn't spicy at all... .__.

After finishing the lunch then JiaHui went home and then wanted to go take neo when Chelsea met her primary school fwen and then went off with them/her. Haha.

THen we went up to arcade there cuz want take neo. But in the end never take. SIAN. I wan take neo lahhhh. Eeyer. Next time go JP take neo wib clique(: NICE.

After that the 5 of us walk around abit then after that I wanted to go home le, then they still want go dunno what shop, ended up I go first. Then later I realised that they went all over looking for me leh!

Ohmygosh la. So sorry.. :(

Anyways, bussed home and then go ePortfolio awhile and now here. I still want edit ePortfolio but I dun have base code. Sian. Nvm. Shall go slack/read book/do homework.

Tmr training shuang. Can play badminton. Nice one man(: Haha. 2pm RVHS, RVCARROTS! Hehe.

OHOH. Sec1 Carrots outing venue not set. Then the carrots outing no one say anything about it. Sianz. Haha. I wan carrots outing:D

Ohoh. 6/1'08 dunno can go not. Then ONEJAYohnine also dunno can go anot. I feel lik going all of a sudden. But the prob is lik got training in the morn. Then I think I will be too tired.. Haizzz.. Dk. I scared burnt out. Then somemore tuesday got swimming. I see how first ba. Maybe ask mummyand see what mumy says.

3rd week onwards daddy back at home. I dun tink will have so much freedom le-s. Sianz. Onehalf week left for mummy&me time. Hahaa. I seldom get that mahs. Oh and I jus realise, Competition this sunday. Gosh. BUSY.

2009-06-02T10:15:00.002+08:00

Overseas(11/12 - 14; Indonesia)
Outing with 3 special people(confirmed second week^^)
Outing with year 1 carrots? (movie; this friday (:)
Outing with clique(third week..?)
Outing with W449 ; farmart kind(:
Outing with Mummy!! (shopping trip xD)
Carrots outing
Darlingz Outing xD
Outing with Chryst lah!!!
6/1'08 class outing^^
~~Him^^~~
ONEJAY Class outing(tentative)
茶馆(tis wednesday)
Homwork week(in the process)
Escape Theme(maybe not..)
East Coast(!!)(6/1'08 class outing^^)
BS!! :D
~~Track&Field camp?(isit on or off)~~
Trainings(in the process..)
MOVIES!!(friday^^)
Slack times
CHURCH:D

Erm. Lik, I have so many many many more stuff actually.

Ok my schedule for first 2 weeks is already out(:
First week:
Monday - Training(ytd)
Tuesday - Training(today)
Wednesday - 茶馆
Thursday - Training
Friday - Year 1 carrots movies^^
Saturday - Training, Church, BS
Sunday - Mummy(:

Second Week:
Monday - Training & ONEJAY class outing
Tuesday - Training
Wednesday - 6/1'08 class outing/3 special people outing(:
Thursday - Training, go indonesia(nite?)
Friday - Indo
Satuday - Indo
Sunday - Indo

As you can see, my second week is crazy. Heh. I dunno. Lik. I seriously wan 3 special people outing. Sianz. I dunwan to miss. Then 6/1'08 class outing also veh important. Sianz la. Haizzz.. See how first ba.

AND SORRY CHRYST!!! I KNW I FORGOT TO SMS YOU!!! :(

But seriously, Chryst, plan 366 outing. Haha. Idk when leh. Cuz i dun stay at gombak side now. Heh. Difficult. Anyways, thy cleaned everything. So sad... Haha.

2009-05-29T16:02:00.002+08:00

Gosh. Today was a freaking day. I really lik uber pissed, emo, upset, angry, depressed. Aiya. Whatever's that's bad ok. I dun even know what I am feeling lah. It's jus a bad day. A veh bad day. And I realy wanna give up. But that's so..

Idk. Very tired now. Shall go sleep. Nitez.

2009-05-27T22:21:00.002+08:00

Today was.. confusing and I dunno what shit la. Aiya.

Woke up at 5.20, lik 10mins earlier then usual then go get ready, then ate breakfast, went out. Sat MRT to marsiling to meet Vivian and I was lik 10mins earlier.. -.- So ended up reading Legacy. Lik, haven even finish first chapter lahs. Haha. I slow. I know.

After that go West Coast together then go walk around, go macs, blah. Haha. After that go help Mr Loh. And I scratched my leg damn badly. But I never go wash. Pro ritez.

Then go put bags and blah, take number tag, safety pins, go meet/briefing and then go warm up.

And the teachers and marshalls are damn cute i tell you. They were all lik, start liao ah?! Then *walks faster* HAHA. Actually not la. It's jus that we warming up. Saw MissLing(:

After that run go back and then stretched, go toilet and drink water and was lik nervous at starting line. After that started and didn't chiong yet. Jus follow. And then follow, follow Haha. After that then I overtook Sharon's group. Haha. Valerie, WanXin and Sharon. Haha.

But she suddenly run faster, I stress, I follow. Haha.

At the turning point, saw Mr Quek and I ran slower after that. Nuts rites. Thaddea caught up and I followed her. OH. I SAW MR XIONG RUNNING. Then he was wearing white fbts isit? I dunno haha. Wanted to laugh but jiayou-ed him^^ See, I AM NICE xD Then saw Mr Chow and Miss Ling(:

THANKS FOR CHEERING ME ON!!! Helped alot, seriously, THANKS!! :D

Then run run, came in 6th. Thaddea 5th. Lik Nats liddat sia. Haha LOL!

I wan regain back my stamina to the point where it's lik Zann and Sharyl de. I wan man. I seriously want it back :X

Then go warm down then take milo, slack slack, talk talk, go back to houses, cheer cheer and I was lik not veh enthu. I mean, I was sorta emo-ing lah. Jus thinking bout some stuff.

After that go up take prize, I thought the teacher will pronounce my name wrongly. Thn she was lik Va..va..valencia(: QUAN. *faints*. GOSH! It's Quah lahs...

Then go up take prize, all the cross people. Damn funny. Haha. Then YuNing obviously first. haha.

Go take pic and then go back, after the whole thing, I went to lik walk around and saw MissLing so thank her for cheering me. Then Mr Chow was lik talking, so cannot go thank him. After dunno doing what, I go scold Mr Xiong. Haha.

Cuz he never thank me. THen I say he veh ungrateful. HAHA. damn damn funny. Then go take bag, slacked, walk around. Haha. After that was carrots outing. Cheered me up(: Thanks carrots(:

Go played at the dunno what thingy then obstacle course, then go play swing thingy and then frisby, then go west mall eat and go home.

Haha. I came home, bathed and went to sleep. haha. Uber tired can. Slept till lik almost 7. Thn prayer conference gone liaoz lor ): Sorry. I was damn tired..

Anyways, talked to AwWeeChong for lik almost an hour jus now. haha. Pro. Random topics. My phone bill gonna bust though.. Nvm.

Whatever lor. Then ya. Now jus thinking bout stuff la. Aiya. Idk lorz.

Veh sian diaoz by all the probs. I mean, yea, God will be there, but, it's jus really sian la. I feel tired and sian.

Anyways, I need to forgive people again. What crap. If they don't like me can tell me straight ritez. Have to gossip here and there and everywhere. Then it's crap la. Really really hate this kinda hypocrites lah.

Then another thing is jus crap de. I dun wanna go care bout that le lorz. Aiya. I feel veh stupeed about the fact that I after I was 'saved' ,I dunno what you call that lah whatever it is called, I am still feeling so lik sian. So tired of all these crap. So emo. I mean, ok lah, Now I at least think that God will be with me and help me solve my probs la. But. I dunno lah.

I dun wanna be christian who's only on fire on weekends. What's the use pls. I really dunno lor. I mean, aiya. I really dunno. I trust that God will help me solve the problem lah. But it doesn't mean I dun have to do anything about it mah.

Haizzz.. I seriously dunno lah. I'm confused and I dunno what. Lik, I still act as though I am happy sometimes, I mean, come on clique, come on darlingz, you do realise, I haven't been emo-ing alot in class or school time rite. Wondered why?

I dunno. Really pray that God will allow me to forgive lik how he forgives and also, that, I won't ever forget that he's always with me and he loves me. I am God's original masterpiece, I don't have to do anything to change myself, I am how God wants me to be. I won't feel disheartened, I won't feel lonely, I won't feel rejected. Really wanna pray lah. Cuz, seriously, I dun wanna lose hold of myself again. Once is bad enough. Twice is worse. To do anything any time more than that is jus plain dumb. So really pray lor.

Haizzz.. Have to start opening up also. Gosh. So long never open up le.. I wanna break the wall. I am pounding at it now lor, with all i can. I seriously wanna break it and share. I am not the kind who should be trapped. I wanna be free.

*these stuff lik the 忍 thing and the wall around heart all from mike connel's last year sermon(:*

Haizzz.. Whatever lah. Shall go sleep le. Dun wanna think anymore. Think so much also no use. Not lik I can solve the prob. Tmr most prob results release, Ahhhhhhhh. God, help me with my confidence level..

2009-05-25T23:14:00.002+08:00

I dun tink I will lik post a long post. Haha. I wanna go and sleep and all.

But it's lik so hot.. Argh. I am perspiring lik some broken water tap. Eeck. Haha.

ANyways, maths homework is nuts. I dun understand how to do.. But whatevers. Tmr go school then see how. Then chinese 2B book in class... -.-

Haizzz... Tmr go school need chiong maths and chi. Sian.

Lalalalala. I have no idea Why I even bother to post today. But well, eeck. I am sleepy. But I can't cuz of me and my perspiring me. Lol..

Eeck. I hate the weather nowdays lik, I NEED AIRCON BADLY. Oh gosh. I know I will get lik sick if I sleep in air con rooms but.. I'd rather have aircon th become roasted pig la. Gosh.

Me and my high metabolism rate. Thanks to AhYi and GuZhang for telling me. Haha. Gosh. Tmr is gonna be hot.. I hope it's a cool day. Lik, not humid. If not seriously, can die de lahs.

Ok. I know this is lik a random post. But whatever.

Oh and I feel lik cancelling class outing.. So sian lor. Anyways, go out as class also lik confirm will be clique here and there and everywhere.. Defeats the purpose?

Anyways, plans for hols:
Outing with 3 special people(confirmed second week^^)
Outing with year 1 carrots? (movie; friday (:)
Outing with clique
Outing with W449
Outing with Mummy!! (shopping trip xD)
Carrots outing
Darlingz Outing xD
Outing with Chryst lah!!!
6/1'08 class outing^^
Him^^
Class outing(tentative)
Homwork week
Escape Theme(maybe not..)
East Coast(!!)(6/1'08 class outing^^)
BS!! :D
Track&Field camp?(isit on or off)
Trainings
MOVIES!!
Slack times
CHURCH:D
Hmmm.. I dunno. I tink I left something out.. Haha.

So lik people, come book me leh!! Haha. But I dun tink my mummy will allow so many outings lah. But year 1 carrots(us only..?) and 3 special people is confirmed(:

The rest is lik dk.. Oh 6/1'08 is confirm more or less also^^
I dun feel lik having ONEJAY outing.. The class not veh bonded yet lor.. Idk. It's kinda sianz. I wan the rest though(:

W449 outing is.. dk de lor. Cuz of the Bible Study lahs. Heh. Anyways, people, come! let's start organising man(: Hehe. I am free on mondays(after trainings... .___.), weds and fri!! Friday I wan go for BS though.. I dun tink Mummy will allow.. Sianz. I wan go.

And Oh. EMERGE NEXT WEEK!!! Whoooots! :D Nice one man(:

Lalalala. Ok. People, start booking me! Haha. OHOHOHOH. I wan meet up with AhGong family also. Judith and people. Haha. I miss Kim and Judith la. That comical pair xD

OHOH. Basketball and Badminton also(: Fun times. But I tink cannot de.. Anyways training got Badminton and Swimming^^ But.. Eeck. I can't swim for nuts. Haha. Ok. I can swim. But not veh well. Free and Back is ok. Frog is dots. Butterfly never learn. Haha.

I flunk frog. Hehe. I wan learn frog lor. I lik frog style. So lik carefree de. Haha.

Oh. anyways, trainings occupy lik 4/7 days of my week. WOW. So my whole hols if it's 28 days, I will have lik 16 days in trainings... WOAH. Hiong.

Monday run, Tuesday swim, Thursday Badminton^^, Saturday MacRitchie. I tink the hiong trainings are the mondays? Idk. Badminton!! Hehe. Swimming.. Heh. I gonna be chaodah already. AND I AM BLACK ENOUGH. Haha.

Ok. Enough of my june hols plans. I shall go dream bout them. HEHE. Nitez peeps(:

OHOH. QINPING MUST GO FOR DUNNO WHICH OUTING. Haha. It'll be more fun with him around I guess^^

Nitez peeps(:

2009-05-24T15:57:00.002+08:00

AHHHH!!! I just went to Chryst's blog and then rite, she say MISS LEE and MISS THIO got go to the wedding sia!!! omg!! Ahhh.. Ok, I regret missing it T.T But, well, church was important change in my life. So... Haizzz.. But, heh. I didn't really regret going to church. Changed my life lehhh. HOW CAN I REGRET!

*ok. Had long long convo with Miss Thio. Haha. Then I call Shannon, not home.. Ahhhhh.. I miss them :(*

Ok. Back to today. Go meet them at mrt station early morning then ChiChing was late lor! Haha. She also miss the train leh. Omg.. Haha.

Then we on train lik some crazy bunch of peeps. Haha.

THen go AngMoKio there, take bus, then on bus was uber funny. HEHE.

Competition was.. er.. dots lahs. Ok, I dun tink I did well. But ok la. What to do. lol. Soso ba.

Oh there was lik magic show and it's damn damn cool la. I mean the magic :D I know I am lik this little girl who liks magic. But I dun lik tht guy... He lik so act cool and looks kinda gay.. Haha.

Oh butbut!! The card trick is damn damn cool. GAGAGAGAGAGAGA. Haha.

After the whole thing then go macs with YueYin, Sici, Joanne and Venus!! :D

Had breakfast and was taking pics all over the place. MUAHAHA :D

Then take bus back and on the train I was so so tired, sat on the floor and slept. LOL!! Come home, haven bath, sleep le. Then wake up le, go bath, eat and talk to Miss Thio and NOW, I WAN TO CHIONG HOMEWORK AND TALK TO SHANNON!!!

GAGAGA. I miss her.. Haizzz... Veh worried la. Since I am ok le-s. I should go and spread this whatever thing you call it.. Er... Power of God? God's love? I dunno la. But I wanna really spread it. Bless people lik God blessed me!!

*You can lik see how encouraged I am now!! GAGAGAGAGA. God is good :D*

So yea. Discouraged or whatever, I am gonna stay positive or try la. Ok la. I will feel sad, emo(lik I jus felt it today I cried.. :() but, life goes on, I am gonna reach out, spread the love :D I uber encouraged cuz I know what God has done for me. And I wanna show others. MUAHAHAHA.

Hehe. I abit crazy le lahs. Haha. I vehveh encouraged :D Ok... Enough of me talking. I shall go chiong du hou gans.(Oh I hate it.. But nvm whatever. eeck. Haha)

2009-05-23T20:53:00.002+08:00

Wahh. I lik exhuasted can. Today was really, I can say, a eventful day la. I mean, really, lots of stuff happen and I really thank God alot for today that I made the rite decision to go church(not saying that miss lim's wedding not important!!! I am sad cannot go...) But, really, today's church really change my life a lot. Yeah. Shall post from morning. Today really really omg.

I woke up at lik 8 plus in the morning pissed, at myself for being undecisive and not making a decision to go church or wedding. Decided to go order breakfast blahblah first.

Then ate macs breakfast and my mood wasn't veh good de la. I mean, these few dayysss, haizzz..

Then I go online, dunno do what. And I more or less decided to go church le. Then go facebook lik slack and then go bath, go out.

Met KaiNgee and gombak to take cantabs. Haha. Thanks arh Jie!! Muacks man:D Lol. So we talktalk then go buy slurpee^^

Drank and talk while waiting for AwWeeChong. Hehe.

Then he came, he go buy drink then we left. Go platform and saw EMERALD!! GOSH!!! I MISS HER LEHHHH!!! :( Haha. I miss her so so so much(:

talktalk then i neglect Richard. Sorry... :P Then jurong east onwards talk to richard cuz emmie go tution le.

Go church then go play merry-go-round. My aim was to lik relief whatever was on my mind la. Then I ended up making myself damn damn dizzy and I wanted to puke.. Eeck.

Go down buy my BS book then Zi came and I was lik in bad shape for BS. Haha LOL!

BS was great!! :D I lik man. So sorry. I know I am suppose to lead prayer today but I didn't know how to pray. So I have to kao Zi again. PSPS.

After that go buy food then go L4 eat. Eat finish le then cuz Zi and AiWei finish my water, then Zi go refill and was hot water. Then I did what I did ytd la. Lik, torturing myself with hot water.. Er... -.-

Then I was lik getting nagged by AiWei. Cuz I keep complaining my hand pain after in Auditorium. Then she was lik concerned la. And wanna help but haizzz, stubborn me dunwan share lorz. I told her that actually I dun share wib Bennie & Zi also de. Then she stun.

After that was service start and the clapping seriously didn't help my hand but ok la. Jessie was in front row chior today and she makeover HAHA. CHIOZ! :D

Service was veh little talkings, lots and lots of praying. It was deliverance la. Not exactly holy spirit.. Hmmm...

But Rev. Mike Connel and a damn cute guy. Haha. He damn funny la!! Our whole Audi all laugh cuz of him lor(:

After service, he call for altar call then I actually went cuz he say,"People who have alot of secrets hidden, blah blah.."

Ya. So I go. THen I got double prayer. Haha. I went in front and I was really praying lik nuts that I could forgive. Then Rev. Mike's wife come touch me then I fell and omg, it's an uber powerful feeling...

Then Zi's sis pray for me. THat time de, I felt lik.. I dunno how to explain la. But I felt lik, I really was able to forgive le. Then lik, I really got touched by God? I dunno how to explain. But there was a feeling in me. Vehveh powerful.

Then I go back that time, AiWei & Jessie spoke to me. Then AiWei lik crying liddat, then as she spoke la, I also started to tear cuz the altar call one ritez, I never cry la. Tear abit lorx. Then as she spoke, I really teared.

And then hugged her and tear le la. After that cry abit. Lik what happens when got heavy tearing and as she spoke, really, I felt that, God really loves me de la and he really will help me de.

Then after that Zi wan pray for me. Cuz I lik tearing quite alot. Then as she pray for me ritez, I really lik waterfall liddat. I cried and then after that, I fell again. And actually rite, I tell you, when you fall, it's really lik suddenly you are taken de lor. It's not you wan to fall de. You jus do. And then, you also most prob dun really remember it de.

I know it was lik damn dman powerful. Then I cried, cried, and I cried very very hard as I thought of the past few months in RV rite from the first day la. And I really cried waterfalls. And it was my most serious type of cry where you know, you cry until wanna puke those kind la.

Then I really wanted to puke but cannot. I tried. But can't la. Then I cry cry. AiWei prayed for me, Jessie prayed for me. I cried lik until damn damn jialat.

After that, given time to cool down. And I really I cried alot.. lol. I know I veh slow.

THen after that I go with Bennie to talk and I opened up. I told her what happened la. THen she pray for me. Then go up to L4. I was lik, veh dry. Cuz of the crying. Then after that go find my bottle cuz my bottle gone diao liaoz.

In the end cannot find. Then the rest go dinner at BanMian while Jessie, Richard and I go gombak. Jessie go there to buy something. Haha.

Richard buy drink then send me home. Thanks(:

And now, I am home. THen go facebook then reply emails and I am veh veh veh veh veh happy now(:

Now blogging lorz. I really love today. Service really changed me la. Lik, I cried so much. Oh my. But, I am happy that I really really did manage to forgive le. Thank God!! :D

Ohmigosh, really wanna thank God for coming into my life and really making a difference. Esp today. That, I really am strengthened, and I felt His love for me. God is really a good God. Ohgosh. God really cares and God is good. Thank God for whatever happened today. Really wanna thank God for such loving cellgroup members. Lovethem, Love God. Really, today is the difference. VALEN IS DIFFERENT!! :D

2009-05-22T22:36:00.002+08:00

I can't believe I could act so indifferent man. Ohmygosh.

Lik, I dunno and dun care le la. I need my time out. I can't be continuously running for 24/7 without time out. And now, it's the time out.

I dunno. I think I practically gave up already. I dunno. I really time to go and think things through. For now. Jus stay away. Cuz it doesn't help.

I realised actually. This isn't the first time. Since I've known you. I can count how many times you have said this about me. I really really cannot ignore it this time.

I tried to forgivr and forget all the other times. And it's really a big breakthrough for me already. Ask Isabella man. I held onto a mistake of hers for years. And I jus forget bout yours lik that.

"If you keep doing the same things, over and over again, you will just get the same results."

Seriously, the results are the same. But this time, I really cannot forget anymore. Forgive yes. It's as easy as 1,2,3. But forget.. No. Not that easy.

And I don't think you see how serious this is lah. And I think you really take all the previous times that I have forgiven you and forgotten your whatevers for granted. That this time you expect the same results.

I'm sorry. But I can't do it.

I tink, after a while, you will know. Sometimes, it would be better to be a hypocrite ALL THE WAY. Instead of voicing it out, keep it within you. You will know how much difference it makes. I've managed to learn this over primary school. So I now, I usually keep them to myself. If I were really to rant and blah. Oh gosh. Who's know what will happen.

I dunno. It's definitely not what I encourage. Cuz doing it myself, I feel very compressed. But. Whatever. Now, I dun care anymore. Cuz all I wanna do, is to do whatever it takes to get this pain away. To forgive you.

But once bitten, twice shy. What's more. This isn't twice. I am already hardening my hurt heart. I have already built a wall. It ain't gonna be easy anymore.

Well, it ain't your fault. I started the whole circle anyways. It's my fault.

Whatever. Now, I jus wanna sleep my troubles away. And I tink I'm not going for the wedding. Although I dun feel lik going to church also, but I'm not going to let Satan keep me out of church. Dun care. I'm gonna go.

For my problem, 顺其自然 ba. I really can't do anything more anymore. I'm sorry.

2009-05-22T21:21:00.002+08:00

It's officially gone. It's all officially gone. SC, friendship blah blah. Whatever. Not like I want to care anymore. This is just freaking irritating.

But I guess I shocked lik a lot of people. Really wanna say sorry to you people : Tania, Vaness, Vivian, ShiYing, Kellie, MingHui, QinPing.. Really sorry.. But now, you know the real me hur?

Sorry if I left any names out.. But.. Jus really sorry to have been stubborn and ignore you all. But, thank alot for trying to stop me, but on thing you need to know is, I am vehvehvehveh stubborn.

Ok. Enough of this... Emo stuff. Well, it's back to normal today la. Taking of 97 but omg you know. I almost overslept on the bus and really thank God for that senior to wake me up la. If not I will continue sleeping till I reach harbour front man. Lol. Thanks alot.

Reached class and was lik lending people D&T for them to copy. Then I helping ShiYing make the crest onto her cap also.

Go down for assembly, then go hall take some stupeed form and I can't even go because of trainings.. Lol lahs.

Anyways, history and was going through of papers and also, added marks so yea, finally my A1.. Lol. But yea. Pull my GPA up le lor. Yep. But whatever. In the situation I'm in now, high GPA doesn't make me happy la. Whatever.

So go through. Blah blah.

Maths was doing the worksheet and suprisingly, the way I did was correct la. Ok.. I anyhow do de lors. Haha. But ok la. Good lor. Then MrXiong taught us how to use the calculation HAHA. LOL!. But OMG. I needed to know and he taught us. THANKS MR XIONG(:

Then was recess and ate laksa, ate with Claudia, MingHui and JoJo. Haha. Was kinda funny la. Thanks Claudia for helping me queue so long and buy milo while I ate. Hehe xP THANKS SHUANG! Haha.

Go back to class then 1L teacher came to tell us to go grandstand for rocket... Lol.. Then lik, I purposely dun wan go offer my rocket to launch de la. Cuz I really not in good mood. Didn't feel lik doing anything.

THen I was really like thinking alot la. About SC, about whether I should confirm my doubt although I felt that it's lik 90% confirm le la. Then after tha discuss with Heather bout SC.. And haizz.. We all damn sian diao that we have to give up cuz of cross. THen we discuss discuss then the mdm tia go scold.. -.-'' Damn crap..

After that Iknow I keep going into the back of the grandstand there cause I really wanna lik burs diao liao. Thanks to the SC crap and the problem la. Then I keep going back to do one thing. Not gonna mention. But, no, it isn't someting good. Don't worry, it's not slitting :X

Anyways, I finally decided to ask and then it was lik, plain obvious what your answer was la pls. You are the kind that if it's not rite, you will NOOOOO all the way de. So damn obvious, my 90% suspision was correct. Whatever anyways.

But after that I was really damn emo. Cuz I still felt hope over that 10%. I wanted it to be the 10% and not the 90%. I lik living in denial la. Whatever what happens is I always come crashing down lik a one wing-ed aeroplane.

Then I wanted to really scream and shout and cry but obviously can't la. So I go suggest do cheer^^ Smart ritez. Then no one will care if I shout anotz. So yea. Did cheer.

THen move over to the other side, then emo emo and then I was lik burning my hand by sitting under the sun area at the grandstand and putting my hand on the ground. Then moving it whenever it doesn't hurt anymore. Ended up I burnt my hand a little. My hand was really damn hot.

Then wanted to go disturb shiying then I go touch her. Ended up others saw the very very red hand. THen they all shocked dio la. THen Tania(SO OBSERVANT LAH) saw something else also.. :X

Then they all wanna force me to lik stop and then go wash my hand but ya la. Stubborn me dun wan lor. Then cause a big commotion. Managed to stop it though..

After that go back class for geog, when copying answers that time, my hand lik uber pain. But I asked for it and I got it. So whatever.

I jus 忍 the pain lor. Not the first time anyways. Then after that was lang arts and copying of notes was painful also.. Ouch..

Then there was this poem that was lik this:

A friend is an open hand.
A friend is a happy land.
A friend is a pot of gold.
A friend is someone I can hold.
A friend is a beautiful flower.
A friend has a lot of power.

I was lik thinking a lot about this poem. Yea. I guess this is something lik my definition of friend, but if that's the case, everyone will be jus an acquitance. Whatever. I was seriously thinking this,"Come on la. Friends are lik practically the opposite of that."

I really lost hope. Haizz.. THis is saddening.. Whatever. Then there was this song called the rose which is nice. Because it depicts what love is. And ya. Got things to think about also la. I mean, what do you expect from such an emo freak lik me? I duh got experience before lor.. So yeah.

After that was chinese and then I was lik blur and dunno what during chinese. Lik, I was focussing on my thoughts and never listen to Miss Yu. Oops. Thinking alot la. Then dismissal then jiu go run 30mins at the field with SiCi.

Haha. Now SiCi is my dodo and I'm her bobo and Heather is my chacha xD CUTE RITEZ. Haha. Funny lors. Anyways, me and Heather were lik fretting over SC but haizz, what can we do anyways. So give up lors. Whatever.

After that go home with SiCi and YuNIng and WanXin. Was doing homework on bus so as to not waste time. So after that I thought I lost my handphone la. Ended up was in the bag. Crazy nia. Scary..

Went home thinking about the day and all. And also tmr's plans la. I confuse. Haizz...

THen my little finger vehveh pain. Stupeed me la. Shadn't elaborate. Anyways, reached home, did some homework, bath, did homework, ate dinner(you do realise I skipped lunch hur :()

Then after dinner do homework and now post. I have my du hou gans to chiong. Argh. I hate du hou gans la. Eeck. It's stupeed, dumb and stupeed.

Hmph. AND TMR.. Lik, mummy says I can only go for either Miss Lim's wedding or church and she dun allow me to go on Sunday cuz of the competition.. Argh... RevMike lehh. I dun wan to miss la. GOt alot of memories de. But Miss Lim's wedding... T.T This is nuts la. Someone help. I want go both!!!